Even rocks deteriorate, but words? - NEVER!

I wish I had something with more substance to write about today.

Nothing on racism - which is ongoing and very real in New Zealand.

Or how most people I come across are abusing the welfare system. Claiming to be solo parents, earning benefits and living in well subsidized Housing NZ properties and owning more expensive furniture than I have, whilst their partners are working and bringing in extra dosh.

Meantime the rest of us are working and getting taxed (far too much) to pay for their lifestyles and yet when life happens to us we will never be entitled to any government grants because of our so called "gross income".

This is why I don't like Labour policies which will further enable these criminals to continue abusing the welfare system, which should only be used to support the very vulnerable in society.

No I'm not writing about anything that strong today. Unfortunately for me. Because I would much rather write about something that would somewhat have an effect towards the development of my life, environment, and that of others around me!

I hardly get the time to update the blog, what with my laptop - once again having problems and well its not very comfortable trying to write on your old (very old) S6.

As usual a lot has happened.
Many have come and gone.
In the past five months.
People often either come as the form of a blessing,learning or just a brief visit albeit "good riddance".

Challenges for the mind, heart, soul and stamina of character however - have been aplenty.

An old Samoan saying that my grandmother use to love reciting to me when she was alive - projected itself in my thinking this morning.

"E pala le ma'a ae le pala le Tala".

'Even a rock deteriorates,but stories - NEVER'

I think it's a very accurate analogy when we look at how our culture and history and lineages have managed to survive from the last 100 years to today.

It was carefully cultivated through stories, passed on from generation to generation.

Time and all elements of nature have not succeeded in destroying our stories and identity - if it had tried.

As people, we are akin to listen to stories. We love to hear about people and how they lived their lives then and what that means for us now.

And as we have seen and come to learn through much academic debates portrayed through social and mainstream media - much of our culture has evolved, changed in some ways, manipulated and fabricated even - to suit the changes in times and technology and new age perspectives!

But such is the nature of storytelling. It somewhat reminds me of that game we use in trainings at work to keep people awake - "Chinese Whisperers"!

The game works out that you whisper a long exaggerated (often doesn't make sense) sentence into the ear of the person next to you (so quietly that they can barely hear you) and they will turn around and pass it on to the next person.

In the end the last person will say it out loud and then it will bE compared to the original sentence said by the initial whisperer and often - everyone finds absolute amusement and AMAZEMENT at how much the story or sentence had changed from since it left the lips of the initial whisperer.

Participants find themselves laughing at how much the story and its context had changed since it left the first person's ears.

Such is what we discovered about our culture through the art of story telling being used as a medium of cultivation.

So much of our culture is no longer what it was originally. The stories have been manipulated in so many ways to suit the story tellers, intentions and perspectives that what we have today is not entirely 100% authentic but we've made do anyway and we've had no choice but to believe and go along with it except for the few academics who actually prefer to question motives and reasons and rationale who actually do sone research and say - well actually that's not entirely true; the correct process or procedure or lineage etc...and then they gather their facts and evidence to support their theories to become facts.

When Sione - my partner, (Tongan) told me that people - Samoan people - as in my own people - have said "things" about me to him!

Straight away I knew it wasn't good things.

Or he wouldn't have left it for months before he could bring up the subject.

And although he says he doesn't listen to what people say and will only make his judgement based on what I say and the quality of our relationship - I feel that he is being 100% true about that - HOWEVER - as with the concept of keeping a jury away from knowing anything about an accused in order to not contaminate their knowledge and perception of the accused and how they see the accused through their eyes....I cannot help but feel that his lenses have been somewhat fogged by what these people have felt so important to divulge to him.

People that I don't believe I know or have anything to do with or even so much as circulate in their circles. But they clearly think they know me through Chinese or shall I say Coconut Whispers!

I'm not new to malicious defamatory things being said or claimed about me.
It comes with the territory when you open yourself in a position that allows the public to criticize you through your work, writings, and just being vocal and opinionated about social and political issues.

As a journalist I've perfected the art of - acquiring thick skin, taking constructive criticism for learning and rubbish the rest.

But where matters of my personal life is affected;it's never simple as black and white.

I have one word of advise for you!

If you even read blogs.

If you want to talk about me.
I'm happy to make time to talk with you.

Stones deteriorate but stories and words - Never.

Doesn't matter how hard you've worked in life. What you've achieved. How much you've changed as a person, mother, woman, professional.

People will only see what they want to see.

Which is why I hold close a favourite quote from President Nelson Mandela:

"Difficulties break some men and make others. But no axe is sharp enough to break the soul of a sinner who keeps on trying. Armed with the hope that he will rise again and again, even in the end!"

Of All Things Fishing!

I know. I know.

(Pouting lips emoji).

I owe it to my readers and followers to blog at least more than two to three times a year!
And myself too.

No excuses really.

I suppose I have been avoiding the writing pad.

You see, this blog is about my journey in life.
Nothing here is feigned, fabricated or a misconception of my reality.

And the dynamics of my reality have shifted drastically over the past year or since I last posted; it has altered the lives of those I love, my family and those close to me.
So I have been deliberately delaying this post. But I knew it would have to be written at some stage.
It is inevitable with me, because truths is my cleansing. My closure of a chapter and turning a page into another.

So here we are.

I have been in an official separation arrangement since March 2016.
Prior to that we had been living under the same roof but pretty much as strangers for close to a year.
Two years before that, we had been fighting to hold on to a flimsy marriage and relationship for the sake of the kids,to keep an image of a happy marriage and a happy life for our families, and our friends.
But one of us wasn't happy.With a lot of things.
One of us accepted that we had outgrown our marriage and our relationship and that one of us was no longer the same and no longer felt the same about the relationship and about the way things were between us and in our personal circumstances.

One of us was brave enough to identify that we were beyond fixing and that one of us was no longer satisfied with just 'existing' just 'being' for the sake of 'being' anymore.

Needless to say that that person was me. I felt that love was no longer 'being in love' it was more about co-existing alongside each other for the sake of upholding an image that we both knew was no longer in existence.

Of course - the other party was in denial, anger and frustrated. Which was to be expected. They did not see the relationship through my eyes and through the same lenses.

He only understood his reality and perception and was only prepared to accept his lenses and not mine.

We did everything. We tried church. Counselling. Socialising a bit more. Spending more time with the children. Talking to our parents. We D I D everything possible to try and salvage the marriage.

You can't fix something broken with more brokeness! If that makes sense.

We could do all the counselling we wanted, attended all functions we wanted together, have all the dinners we wanted, but if compatibility and common interests which keep deep attraction between a man and a woman are gone - there is nothing much you can do. If both parties aren't willing to make changes to accommodate the changes in their partner - then there isn't much you have to talk about - except to argue daily, about every little thing that either of you are doing wrong.

Except to point out each other's inadequacies and shortcomings. A little too often.
It became a hate game.
Who did this, who didn't do that, who was doing it better and who wasn't doing anything!

Meanwhile, five little eyes were eyeing and following us and our every move and action.
Five little eyes were sometimes secretly masking the hurt that our screaming matches were doing to them.

All the while - we continued to smile at the camera - for the sake of Facebook and to keep our families believing that we were in fact - the perfect family!

So one of us decided to call a spade for what it was and walk away.

Walk away to find myself. Walk away to prevent those five little eyes from hurting any further. Walk away for me. Because life is too short, and I have too many goals I want to achieve and I could not do that within that space any longer.

So without feeling like I have to explain myself further to anyone - that is where I am...and for a while there, I enjoyed single life - A LOT.

I enjoyed the flexibility and freedom of moving freely and doing what I loved to do in the community freely without having to check with someone else first to see if it might clash with them or how they felt about it.

Let's be honest folks - that is the best part of being 'single'!

The power to be your very own boss!

I also enjoyed getting to know myself more, the new me.
I enjoyed being alone.
I enjoyed the company of my children more.
I loved the freedom of learning new things about myself, my environment and others around me.

I was proud that I had the strength to identify that I wasn't happy and did what I needed to do to resolve that - however unorthodox or untraditional and un-Samoan that may mean - I decided to still my mind to the influence and fear of what 'people might think' and instead do what was best for me!

And then I think - because I was so content within myself and who I am now as a woman, mother, and a person; Life unexpectedly threw me a very scrumptious and unexpected Fish!

(Laughing out loud emoji).

I met someone! (Cheeky grin emoji).

I swear I had just made a vow to stay single for the next five years and even texted a close friend the very same words! And then life, as She does - decided to be coy and send me spinning off my feet with this Fish!

YES - I'm getting to the fishing part!

I met my new beau! Partner. Boyfriend. Beast. Whatever it is people call it these days!

Excuse my ammm ignorance - but in my defence, I have been inactive in the'official'dating scene for some time!

It all started with his love of art, he use to do a bit of tattooing as well, and does some carving and painting. So his pick up line was really my tattoo! (That horrible patch on my arm - isn't so useless after all).

Then we found out (through a lot of excessive natural talking) that he is actually this amazing nifty fisherman during the weekends, when he's not at his full time job, and we both shared an obsession with sea food and what can I say - it all just took off from there!

Destined love at first sight!

(Big smiling face with two hearts emoji).

Meet Sione! My Tongan Beast! (And no that is not a made up name - however common that is in the Tongan community - that is his real name, I checked the passport - believe you me!) - cheeky smile emoji!

So anyway, Sione decided to be a darling and do some making up to me this week by taking me fishing on his boat the Tui Vava'u.

At first - I was apprehensive about the whole thing!

First of all - I have a morbid fear of bottomless water! I can't swim!

Yes. There are some things this self proclaimed super woman can't do! (tongue out in full force emoji)

But then I thought - the ocean has a beautiful way of cleansing your mind and rejuvenating your spirits!

So off we went. (I made sure he gave me a life jacket well before the boat was moored away from the dock and into the ocean).

The Tui Vava'u - was fairly comfortable considering it is a small boat but when my Skipper accelerated the engine into full throttle, I had to hold on to the railings for my dear own life!
(big wide eyes emoji)

And there in ladies - I'm going to give you some truths about Fishing!

Unless its one of them big yachts - be prepared that there is nothing romantic about it!

If you're going to be worried about your manicured nails getting dirty, or the wind blowing off your perfect salon hair, or getting sea water soaked from the currents, or occasionally losing your balance and stumbling around trying to find some solid ground and something other than a MAN to hang on to - then FISHING is not for you!

There is no Fia Pretty acceptable anywhere around fishing!

You either work for your spot on the boat or pretty much become dead fish to the rest of your crew.

So I didn't dive of course - but I sat in the boat, feet up, ate my doritos, did some facebooking, selfies galore and watched the men at work collecting all my kina and mussels for dinner! (show off emoji)

And then I did the most important job ofcourse - that is - to count all of the collected kinas and mussels.

Fisheries only allow 75 mussels for three people (25 pp) and 150 kinas (50 pp).

So yes my role was very very very important. (winked eye emoji)

What was left from that - this darling beaut of mine spoon fed it all to me on the boat for lunch!

I WILL NEVER EAT KINA THE SAME AGAIN!

Then we set about fishing. This was at the Hauraki Gulf.
Don't ask me for geographical specifications - I'm left handed - we are forever lost in directions! (laugh out loud emoji)
You can however ask Uncle Google!

Anyway. Focus.

So Sione. Ever so gentle and all so patient and determined to convert me into a wild untamed Fisherwoman (laugh out loud emoji) proceeded to show me how to use a rod.
I quite enjoyed releasing the catchment and letting the coil go, with a guided thumb.
Then waiting for it to stop, which mean't my baited fish hooks have reached the bottom of the ocean.
Using my right hand, I would then close the catchment, put my forefinger along the line, and my thumb underneath it and wait to feel a fish pull at the hook. "You will know a fish has taken the bait when you feel the coil pull underneath your forefinger," said my Skipper. (all the while, I was trying to concentrate on the instructions and forget how his closeness can often mesmerise me). (winked eye and tongue out emoji).

1. When you feel the pull or gentle tug on your forefinger, a fish has taken the bait
2. Wait for the fish to be full biting into it, then flip the rod quickly backwards to feel if it's held onto the hook *you'll know because it's suddenly become heavy.
3. Lower the rod back into the ocean and start reeling quickly and flip, lower, reel quickly and flip
4. repeat till you see the fish hooks and hopefully a fish!

Skipper said in his ever so bossy tone (that I absolutely like - because I get to boss around people at work and at home, so its nice for a change) - "You better be listening and learning quickly mate, I'll only show you how to fish once," - bossy alright!

Of course - as us women do, we only let them think they're the boss in certain situations, 90% of the time, we are the spine that moves the head of the boss! (laugh out loud emoji).

Yes. Back to fishing.

I caught my first 45cm snapper after my first go. Then I caught another similar sized snapper after my third. And I officially earned my spot on the boat and became one of the tokos (bros) after that! (Skippers own words himself).

For what its worth, it was a most memorable lifetime experience.

Especially driving us back home! Fantastic stuff - I'm a speed addict, so it was a nice change to have to drive a speedboat on the ocean!

I now have a whole new level of appreciation for seafood every time I have some, because I'll know that out there somewhere on the ocean someone would have rode some rough tides, endured some imbalances and dove in freezing temperatures to get kina, mussels and or had to exercise a lot of patience waiting for that tug on the rod!

We - my Skipper and I, overcame some minor waves of our own that day and well such is life, we will always be riding high tides and low tides and sometimes just flat currents; (especially when there are forces/people in our lives who are stubborn about letting go and moving on with their lives and leaving us be with our love) but knowing where we're going and having clear expectations will be our compass - and one can never go wrong with that to guide them on the journey!

We both are very blessed to each have second chances at love and we intend to keep riding those waves!

I leave you with more pics to ponder on!

What Was Wrong With the Jeanine Story!

It is common decorum in the media industry that ‘we don’t s#!$ on each other’ (this is not always respected) but we choose to always be mindful of its consequences.

That’s because you never know when you’re going to need each other and secondly you’re all working towards the common interests of informing the public on what is happening around them to assist people to make well informed decisions, to keep safe, build awareness on issues affecting everyday living and holding authorities to account – hence the popular metaphoric connotation likening the media as the ‘Watchdog’ of any society.

This piece therefore, must accompany a disclaiming clause – that it is written not from my professional interests as a resident journalist, writer, representative of a local Samoan broadcasting body, or fellow budding resident media member!

I have had the privilege of holding two different professions, and in my current role with the department of Community Corrections, I hold an important hat that is close to me, that being a ‘Mental Health and Suicide Awareness’ specialist, I am also a Suicide Prevention/Awareness advocate of one of the largest Pasefika community agencies in New Zealand – Le VA.

I also pen this not as the views or opinion of a representative of the Department of Corrections, or an Advocate of Le Va – but as a genuine advocate of Suicide Awareness and Mental Health, a sympathetic supporter of the LGTBQI communities, a friend and a relative to many transgenders and a concerned member of society. This is my own opinion alone.

One could simply not avoid the disturbing uproar that rocked social media yesterday for Samoans local and abroad over the Samoa Observer article highly sensationalising a fallen young transgender who died of suspected death by suicide.

UNDP guidelines around accepted reporting of suicide stories in the media are very clear. The Australian Press Council and New Zealand guidelines around the matter are also very similar. Some of the main guidelines state:

1. The methods of the incidents must not be highlighted in details
2. Consent from the deceased’s families must be sought before publishing or airing a story
3. The location of the incident should not be named
4. A coroner’s report must first prove that the death was in fact by suicide before a story may be published (NZ laws have changed in this respect just last week and the media no longer have to wait for that report if the evidence is palpable)
5. Sources giving opinions on the deceased must be immediate family alone with their consent
6. The suicidal jargon must be sensitively selected
7. Sensationalism in any way or form is strongly advised against
8. The story should in some way support public interest – for example a report on decline of rates, or it involved bullying (to create awareness)...
9. There should be information for the public to know where to seek help and support around counselling etc

Unfortunately for the family of Jeanine who is a transgender, the article published by the Samoa Observer – in my opinion, did not follow those guidelines. It also failed to acknowledge her rightful human right to choose to be called Jeanine and to be referred to as a woman by referring to her as a man throughout the article. Furthermore, it went on to publish a lifeless photo of Jeanine on its front page.

Then to add salt to the wound, the Samoa Observer then posted a ‘Think A minute’ opinion piece without a writer’s by-line, talking about homosexuality as a choice rather than a biological hormonal change, raking up researched evidence to support its views and then referencing biblical beliefs to solidify that it is a wrong and sinful choice.

Then as if this doesn’t get any worse, the New Zealand Herald published a story stating that the Samoa Editor in Chief of the Samoa Observer (a former boss and a journalist who’s work and contribution to media development in the Pacific I respect – If I may add) was quoted apologising to their readers for their call to publish the photo – but he then minimises and justifies the poor call of judgement using yet again religious and political views.

An apology is not genuine if one must need to justify it.

It would have been a much more admirable and gracious move to admit defeat, take responsibility for the lapse of judgement, retract all the published papers from all their outlets – cut their losses and move on to other stories.

Well, what do I know – I have never been the Editor in Chief of a daily paper.

I am however a Suicide Prevention/Awareness advocate and specialist, and I know too well the complications, impact, suffering, and detrimental effects that that story will have on Jeanine’s family, her friends and loved ones, society overall, young people, and the media’s integrity in general. I know the well calculated, analysed and researched evidence of the effects that such a story will have on our rainbow or LGBTQI (Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual,Transgender,Queer and Intersex)communities, who statistics and research have highlighted to be the most ‘at risk’ members of society when it comes to suicide - worldwide.

This is not surprising given the challenges that our rainbow sisters and brothers have to face on a daily basis around their choices of identities and sexualities. The judgement of religious and cultural expectations from society and in some cases their own aiga of their choices going against the ‘expected’ norms, can be overwhelmingly difficult, depressing, frustrating, scary, ugly, violent and can lead to despair, loss of hope, loss of trust, isolation, and unfortunately for some, suicide becomes a choice they opt to take to end their suffering because as reports of survivors - I’ve come across often commonly state, they felt ‘there was no other way out’.

Media reporting on suicide have been strongly linked to research that supports spikes in suicide deaths and suicide ideation amongst youth and rainbow communities. Copy cat suicide methods have been researched as one of the most common products of irresponsible and poorly constructed media reports.

Pacific and Maori young people between the ages of 17 – 24 are the highest numbers of death by suicide statistics in New Zealand alone. New Zealand itself is right up the top of the ladder with its suicide deaths per annum in comparison to other countries of the Pacific, with deaths by suicide being higher than the car accident tolls yearly.

Samoa is no different.

But what is more concerning for Samoa is that it is such a small country geographically, that the power of the media and social media is even more stronger and felt in more force as compared to bigger countries. Whatever mainstream media puts out – becomes viral almost instantly.

Which brings me to ask - what are the responsibilities of mainstream media to its public, aside from the obvious?

I read on Face Book statuses of mothers asking their friends and families to refrain from reposting the pictures for fear of their children who are on facebook being exposed to the story and the horrifying sad picture used.

I read another mother stating that her five year old daughter asked her about the picture and she did not know how to respond without having to lie to her child to prevent violating her innocence.

I read statuses from some members of the local rainbow communities expressing expected anger and threatening to use violence against the paper. A response I do not support nor condone, but is naturally expected of human nature. (This is not the solution if you are fa’afafine and reading this my friends).

I read a whole lot of anger, frustration, sadness, disgust, confusion and violence.

I read a community mourning the loss of a beautiful soul, whose memory and story and family have been violated by a simple act of inconsideration.

A soul and her family who did not have the choice to give consent for her lifeless picture to be published on the front page of the country’s most widely circulated paper.

A soul who’s choices, struggles, relationship problems were published for all to read without her consent to the violation of her privacy.

No. Those choices were wrongfully taken away from Jeanine and her family.

I read a community in anger. I read conflicting views and opinions.

I read a watch dog telling their audience that it was religiously wrong to be a homosexual. Disrespecting and unravelling (whether intentionally or not) decades of advocacy work of human rights activists worldwide, who have worked so hard and some even died- to create awareness on homosexuality and rainbow issues to have their rights and voices heard and respected.

I read confusion. I read distrust. I read unrest. I read highly possible spikes of suicide ideation. I read fear.

A responsible watch dog must take into account the public’s interests as paramount.

That is, ALL members of the public, straight or rainbow, religious or not.

Accountability and solutions:

The media is so powerful in that the message it portrays can change and influence people’s perceptions, beliefs, knowledge, choices and decisions. That is why it is paramount that the media is held accountable for the messages and the information it puts out.
To date I believe the only governing media body in Samoa – the Journalists Association of (Western) Samoa JAWS is an old dog with a very soft bark. It is hardly active.

Aside from the Government, there is no Media body that the mainstream media in Samoa is being made accountable to.

Who monitors the calls, decisions, reports and actions of the media in Samoa? Who decides whether a member of the public has been wronged by the media aside from having to go through a Court case for defamation claims which often some do not have the financial resources to explore?

The Office of the Ombudsman may be an option however, JAWS and the Government of Samoa if anything good must come out of this must formulate a Governing Media Council where experienced and senior journalists preside to regulate and set up policies and guidelines to monitor the work of mainstream media in Samoa and hold their ethics and standards of practise to account.

It is not a gag on Freedom of Expression. Far from it.

If the media so freely and frequently accuses the government of having no one to be accountable to – then it must also look within and amongst its own practises and ask the same questions of itself.

Freedom of Expression does not mean – reporting stories as it pleases and then justifying apologies to suit their own agendas. The media must be held accountable for its responsibilities to the best interests of its audience and society.
If anything good must come out of this sad unfortunate incident – it should be the establishment of a body to regulate, guide, monitor and hold the media to account.

Every other politically stable and democratic country in the world has one – and Samoa is one of those countries and it’s a feature of our nation that makes us proud people.

Australia has the Australian Press Council and various other bodies. New Zealand has the Broadcasting Commission, and active Kiwi Journalists Association bodies and Press councils etc. To name a few.

Let Jeanine’s memory rest – and may our media bodies learn from this story and move forward to exude better journalism practices.

If you need support please contact Fa’ataua Le Ola lifeline if you’re in Samoa.

In NZ we have 0800 LIFELINE, LE VA, Mental Health, and various other agencies in the community you can access to seek support and help.

And remember – always choose LIFE.

She finally found Me.

It's been awhile since I last posted.

A lot has happened then.
Life happens.
The wheel keeps turning.
The grind keeps grinding.
Birds keep singing in the mornings, while humans go about their business of daily life. Rising at 5am to prepare for work, get the children ready for school, go for your morning run, walk the dog, prepare and pack lunches. Iron out uniforms and work attire. Make an attempt to clean the house before you leave for the day (so you're not coming back to a hell hole).
Try to catch the 6am morning news. The list goes on.

Life goes on.
She doesn't wait for anybody.
Least of all me.

February is always a sensitive and hectic month for me.

My father's passing anniversary.
I'm an only child. I was his little girl. He was my world. My first real love. The only man who would only ever love me truly, completely and entirely in all my flaws, my imperfections and without conditions.

Nowadays, people write up terms and conditions and even contracts (invisible or otherwise) for each other in their relationships. Because we are all too afraid to fall. To let loose and let love take over. We have expectations in what we want in a potential partner. But we fail to look at what we could bring to the table for them in return.

The world can quickly become a 'self centered' place if we are not careful with our perceptions, outlook on life and expectations.

So I miss my father terribly when I'm reflecting on my relationships and life. He didn't have any conditions. Just my best interests at heart really.

Then there are three birthdays in our household including mine. For me, it is always depressing when you are faced with the realization that you are not getting any younger and the clock is ticking by fast. I dare say I'm too ambitious and too impatient for my own good.

You start looking at your personal and professional goals and you start analysing where you are in life. And the reflection of unachieved goals can be tough on the soul.

This is always a rough ride on the journey. I have to remind myself to put on my seat belt and even a life jacket sometimes. The ride gets really rough and hard at this point.

You start comparing yourself to others. To your friends and family members.
They have multiple mortgages. Completed degrees. Travelled the world. Sons with professional rugby contracts. Moved up the corporate world. Have become bosses in their work places and organizations. Successful children. Wonderful marriages. New hot looking partners. Successfully divorced. Or if you're like one of my many single mates - you would be sulking that the clock is ticking and you still haven't found the ONE!

Whilst here you are thinking....I haven't really done much this past year. .....or things haven't really changed much in my relationships, at work, business or on the home front.

Yes. I always need a life jacket at this part of the journey! It gets pretty turbulent and rough. It's a good thing this is all happening on land and air, or otherwise I would be dead by now - seeing as I'm not much of a swimmer nor a fan of bottomless water.

Valentines Day. Hmmmm V Day!
People that know me, and those whom I am brave enough to let in to my inner layers of personal space, would know that I AM a hopeless romantic!

I love everything there is to love about love.

It is THE most intriguing, most magical feeling in the world. When two people find themselves mesmerized in each other, no one else and nothing else in the world matters nor exist, but their spellbinding existence - that is love. It is poetically beautiful and real and rare. However, this year I no longer felt the urge to celebrate V Day.

Quite frankly I now find it to be just another money making day for the big commercial giants. More over....why is there so much emphasis on couples make each other the center of their worlds on this single day out of 365 days of the year? We should be the Centre of our partners' world 365 days.

They should buy us flowers every other day. (Okay realistically once a week)

Open car doors every time you get in or out. (Not all the time...but now and then would be nice)

Pull out your chair at public dinners or events.

Offer to cook dinner for you.
Help out around the house without needing to be told or asked.

Calling each other every day for no apparent reason other than to hear theirs or your voice on the other side of the line.

Making exciting plans with you to visit exotic places, just because you can.

Sharing all of your disappointments with each other because you genuinely want to be there for them - instead of filtering what you can tolerate.

Sending each other little notes, texts or messages every now and then just to show that you're on their mind...either morning or night.

Buy clothes or shoes or little personal items for each other because you get immense pleasure and excitement at seeing your partner or spouse wearing something you personally and carefully selected.

The list goes on.

See. I'm a hopeless romantic.

But this year.... I just wasn't feeling it.
Packed up my work and spent the day at the office instead. My husband of fifteen years slept the day away. Peacefully too.

I guess celebrating a day that only comes around once a year when we are faced with trials 364 other days just didn't seem appealing anymore. Or maybe I'm just getting old.

Which brings me to another special February stop on the journey.

My transformation anniversary.

Two years this February since surgeons looked at me and decided - she's lost over 25 kilograms on her own, we can safely operate on her now. They cut off 90% of my stomach (gut) and from there my food portions were reduced significantly and my appetites were gone. About 18 months later. The stomach has expanded again (grown back) and the appetites are back to normal, as well as my ability to tolerate solid heavier foods. All is back to normal.

Except I'm not.

I am no longer that woman they operated on two years ago.

Looking back to it now. She was somewhat naive and very soft.
She tolerated a lot that no other woman should. She gleefully accepted all of her circumstances and decided that she would work things out. That life would get better. She wholeheartedly believed that people could change for the ones they care for.

She didn't look after herself well. Both physically and mentally. Always working. Always looking out for someone. Cleaning up after someone. Doing favors for someone. Eating junk too much and drowning all her worries and disappointments in alcohol. Or simply in a bowl of food and in front of a couch. Exercise was not a thing she wanted to do then.

She had long stopped caring for her own physical appearance. It no longer mattered what she looked like...for most of the time. She didn't want to be seen anyway.

She was always too quick to forgive the inadequacies of others. Always too quick to overlook their flaws and imperfections.  Tolerating that they had no wish to impart anything of themselves to her, except to take what she could give them. Always riding on the wave of 'What if' and 'They'll come around'. Always foolishly believing that one day they would see her sacrifices and her pain and they would feel remorse and they would want to improve the quality of their relationship with her.

That woman is no more.
She's long gone now.

In her place is someone I am slowly getting to know all from scratch.

She looks after herself really well now.
She meditates. Eats clean mostly seven days a week. Has come from ground zero to seven or even eight (on some days) on a fitness spectrum of 1 - 10. She trains six days a week and runs six to seven days in the mornings. She is restless without exercise. She is restless if she's not moving around and doing something physically productive with her time.

She has shed well over 65kgs now. She's shrunk by about six dress sizes and has even appeared to have grown by a few inches in height.

She knows however that the physical transformation, although very appealing to the human eye, is NOTHING compared to her mental and spiritual transformation.

The one that nobody ever sees.
Unless she let's them see it.

She is stronger in every way as opposed to the woman in pre-op. She no longer tolerates feigned affection and false pretenses. She no longer tolerates people disregarding and undermining her feelings, opinion or role in a situation or relationship.

She no longer has the patience to wait for people to make up their minds. Change their behaviors. Follow through on their empty promises or decide whether she should come first or second on their list of priorities.

Life is too damn short to be living it in waiting. Waiting for people to choose her. She chooses herself now.
It makes her content. It gives her peace. It gives her solace to finally find true happiness in herself.

She no longer tolerates forced relationships and fake friendships and even more fake relatives.

She simply walks away from what no longer serves her best interests and closes the door on what brings more grief than stimulation and positive growth.

She likes to be alone in a romantic sense. Whilst still keeping her loved ones and family close. She likes to try all new things and everything.

She is fierce and brave and adventurous in spirit and mind.

She opens herself more to criticism now and sees the value in personal growth and development that comes with reflecting on others' perceptions of her.
She understands however that she needs to be realistic with her expectations of others. And that their limitations, their decisions and how they respond to her - is a reflection of themselves and has nothing to do with her. In that sense she is more tolerant of the outside forces but will not let it affect her inner peace or define who she is as a person.

She enjoys meaningful, stimulating conversations and challenging the norm, her views and that of others.

She thrives to empower women and inspire other women to fight for their place in society and equal respect from men.

She respects a man who respects her as an equal and values her professional and personal opinion. She feels that these men have no insecurities about themselves or women, they simply do not prejudice a woman based on her gender.

She enjoys sports now. 
She enjoys the process of cooking. Of going to the store and carefully selecting ingredients for her chosen menu. She cooks with music on and a glass of wine in tote. She dances in the kitchen by herself and sings in the car when driving.

She no longer uses an extension seat belt on the plane. No longer needs to go for seconds or fourths at the buffèt. No longer embarrassed to wear bikinis at the beach. No longer chooses to sit in a strong sturdy chair at people's homes or restaurants incase she falls over.

She no longer wears her version of turbans to cover masses of body fat.

She embraces her new body. In all of its flab (from weight loss), stretch marks and cellulite. She embraces it all and loves herself still.

She likes to shoot things with real guns. Because it brings a strong feeling of accomplishment and release at the same time.

She loves to buy clothes and shoes and pretty things not only for herself but for the people she loves. Especially her children.

She is more liberal than ever with her children and more understanding and tolerant of their choices and decisions.

She certainly has more time for her now.
She is hardly angry anymore.

She will argue her point. She will speak her mind. She is direct. She is painfully honest and blunt. She bravely let's in new people to her circle (selectively) and she will give her opinion on something directly and without restrictions. But she is not and WILL NOT be angry.

She wants change. Her priorities have changed. Her desires and goals in life have changed drastically.
She is ambitious and she has set standards and goals for herself and her children. She knows there is nothing wrong with having those to guide you on the journey.

She gets sad. She gets down. Depression still comes and goes. But she doesn't indulge nor dwell on self pity and blaming the world for her problem. No. She would rather seize opportunities and run with it and explore where it takes her. If it fails, it's not meant to be. If it's worth fighting for - then by all means she'll fight for it.

She is brave than her.
She is stronger than her.

She is not going to settle in grey areas. She not going to settle for greys to decide, to make their minds, to leave, to change, to sweep her off her feet. No. She will not tolerate the greys, the unknowns.

She is who she is not because of the weights she lifts everyday. But she's who she is because she decided to still her mind from all the outside forces and let it focus on her and what's best for her instead.

Because her is pretty amazing and she deserves more. She deserves the magic.

On that day, prior to putting on the hospital gown and getting onto the narrow hospital bed to go under the surgeon's knife. She had no idea that she would transform into a whole new person. Not just physically but more so spiritually and mentally.

Everything else has changed. But she feels she is finally who she is meant to be.

She has finally found Me!

Let's Talk Sex Baby

Earlier this morning my sixteen year old daughter bounced into the dinning room in full excitement!

In my head, I'd already played out what she was going to ask for; money for a trip, money for new training gears, money for lunch or movies with her friends, or overdue allowance money (yes I am quite forgetful when it comes to the latter).

To my blissful surprise, the words she uttered had nothing to do with money!

"Mom, I'm lucky to have you as my mother. All my friends say so."

Okay - when your 16 year old child talks about you in appreciation - you're either hearing voices, or they want something from you, or there's been some sort of miraculous intervention. Let's face it - this is the age when all they ever think about is - ME ME ME & ME!

Anyway, I tried my best not to jump for glee and and enquired as to what did I ever do to receive such a high esteemed accolade in the history of my run with teenage parenting!

She explained, someone (her age), that she knew was caught having an intimate relationship, and had been banned into strict grounding, so strict their parents wouldn't know where to look for them in the house! Yes - they're of Pacific Island ethnicity.

How might she be so lucky you may ask? Well I most definitely do not allow her to have any kind of intimate relationship at her age. I do not encourage it in any way at all.

But we have formed an understanding my teenagers and I.

There are no boundaries to what subjects we can discuss between us. There is no subject too sacred, too taboo, too ugly or too uncomfortable or too shameful that we cannot talk about in our house, at our table, during our runs, in my room or after church or wherever. Anywhere that I'm present is a safe place and space to have discussions.

Sex is at the height of being one of the topics that receives the thumbs up from me!

Growing up - sex was always a taboo subject in my Samoan upbringing, even in school. So much so that when time came for menstruation, I had no idea what was happening to my body! Sex and intimate relationships were such a hush hush topic that when teenagers at my time were curious, as teenagers do at that age, we had to turn to movies and or each other and very often the latter was never a good choice because it was almost always the case of the blind leading the blind.

Having an understanding of an open forum for free flow discussions in my house with my teenagers has helped open up barriers that would have otherwise made them keep secrets from me.

The first time I decided to create this forum was when my daughter turned 16. Having gone through teenage pregnancy myself, I admit I was anxious when she neared the age. So I sat her down and I started by inviting her to feel free to talk to me about anything.

Boys, sex, men, women, abuse, rape, sexual abuse, body changes, relationships, attraction, hormonal changes, A N Y T H I N G!

You can imagine the look on her face when we had our first talk. I laid my terms on the table.  There will always be boys, men eventually, for the rest of her life. But she will only live her life once.

Opportunities come and go, but her youth will only come once.

Expectations were set right from the get go. Should she fantasize anyone or the idea of a relationship, she will come to me first before she even bats her eyelids!

We discussed men in general. Boys in general. What separates boys from men and gentlemen from jerks. What dating should look like, what to expect and that it was damn okay for a woman to have high expectations of her mate. She never talked so much.

She wasn't too keen on body functions and details. That was all taught in health class apparently. Periods...again thank you Health class but by that time - the subject of menstrual cycles was minor compared to the heat of boys and relationships etiquette.

To this day, she knows she can talk to me about anything. She knacks a lot about boys in her school being immatured. (I may have made her set her standards real high - that's okay - she's well worth it).

I find that she's very relaxed, not so anxious to get into the discovery channel. It's as if she's completely aware of her situation and surroundings, she knows what the fuss is all about and is in no rush to get to the finish line. She wants to explore life and it's adventures and what it has in store for her before anything else. Unlike some ahhhhm people. (Well she wouldn't be here if I didn't - life's ironies).

In offender management - I come across women of all ages, from all walks of life, and from all scenes of abuse!

You name it, I've seen it and dealt with it first hand, with both sides of the coin; victims and perpetrators of violence. Sexual or otherwise.

One of the most common factors that I see across the board with women victims and male perpetrators, is the lack or ignorance of knowledge.

They lack understanding of their situations.

They lack the ability to differentiate what normal behaviour is from abusive and controlling behaviors.

They fail to separate what controlling manipulation looks like from pure love and affection!

Abusive relationships became their normality at an early age because they never saw or knew any different. Most were thrown into relationships or forceful situations without much life experience, and having learned relationships from minimal interactions that were most likely negative and unhealthy.

One of the best things that we mothers can do in our roles as confidantes, to help eliminate violence against women and children, is to encourage open discussions about relationships, sex, behaviors and expectations with our daughters, sons, sisters, brothers (yes brothers) colleagues, and male friends.

Find a safe space and use appropriate language and understanding and have that discussion.

I was recently in Samoa and I got to spend some time with my biological brother (who was raised by his adopted parents) and his wife. I noticed that he was often overpowering towards her. Often he failed to see that she was tired from tending the children, chores, food, house and their parents. I noticed that he did not see in himself that his behaviour could be wrong. Because he lived in a society where religion and culture holds man to be the head of the aiga. This is true and plays a critical role in maintaining family structure and balance. But unfortunately, these roles are not understood by many to their full extent.

That being Head of the aiga means that they have a responsibility to protect, care for and nurture those in their circle. Not to demand, dictate and dominate them.

So I took my brother aside and talked to him. Gently. Which is often a challenge for me when it comes to difficult men!

I did not shy away from the subject of sexual relationships. We talked about family planning, giving her time for her body to heal. We talked about their health. We talked about what makes them happy together. We talked about balance and respectful expectations that man and woman should have for each other.
He was so relieved. I was happy for him. A few days later, I visited again, she was smiling a lot more. He was tending to the children more. They seemed happier.
I'm not saying I solved all of their problems and they will now live happily ever after. But I showed you and them what ongoing open discussions can do for relationships!

Starting those open discussions early whilst they're young - means adults go into the world armed with some knowledge and experience and the confidence to make positive, healthy well informed decisions in their relationships and interactions with other people.

Violence is the product of people.

Unhappy, ignorant, confused, embarrassed, lost, unloved, abused, misunderstood, unhealthy people.

People interact with each other.

Interactions means relationships.

If we can feel confident in having open discussions about our relationships and our expectations of each other in our relationships - we can help eliminated violence.

It may seem trivial but discussions creates understanding. Understanding is knowledge.

Knowledge is power.

Power helps a woman understand her situation, her partner, what she expects from them and what she doesn't want them do to her or any other woman! It will empower her to spot good mates and or leave behind unwanted partners.

Remember, discussions are a two way stream. You state your point. They say theirs. You listen and you hear what they have to say. As in really hear it. Sympathise and empathize by placing yourself in their situation. Then find your common ground and compromise.

It is not a dictating session. It is not about you or them. It's about two people coming to an understanding.

Have those discussions. It may empower them. It may inspire them. It may save them.

You Faikakala YOU

Faikakala - translated literally - creating, making up stories and then spreading it.

Stories that are mostly fabricated from lies, susequently generating rumours and this month's leading content for what my lady friends and I like to call -'Coconut Wireless Communications'.

When I was an active journalist - people used to refer to news reporters as le a'u faikakala. They still do. Thankfully - it's a profession where you quickly adapt to harsh public criticism and acquire thick skin. Resilience becomes your very best friend and you just turn on selective hearing/reading mode when you hear such ignorant references.

I say ignorant because folks never really think before they make stereotype  remarks about the profession.

Mainstream media are the 'watchdogs' for any community. A democracy is only as good as its media. Journalists work on gathering factual information to question policies, processes, and decisions that affect their communities and equip the general public with factual information to make informative decisions that impact on their livelihoods and community wellness. Other areas of journalism focus on spreading awareness on global economic, political, health, environmental issues to effect similar outcomes and more.

That to me is - telling a story - these are stories that need to be told to assist the public in making informative decisions.
Freedom of the Media and Freedom of Speech enable journalists to access public information and report on that information in the interests of public rights to accountability and transparency of information that affects the public.

Telling a story and 'making' up malicious stories/rumours about individuals that affect their reputation and how people perceive them are two very different things.

'Making up' stories, with malicious intention to destroy someone's reputation, exploit their personal choices, their personal decisions, their personal lives - now that is Faikakala by Lokoleaga Productions, Edited by Fa'akele and Fa'apopo Company; and spread for the amusement of The Coconut Wireless Communications followers by Fela'ua'i Kala Broadcasting!

When a headline of the sort hits the newsboard ask yourself these questions:

1. Does it affect the economy and my financial situation?

2. Does it affect the way politicians make decisions on my behalf or on public policies?

3. Will it better my health or my understanding of health services?

4. Will it better my children's education or the general education system?

5. Will it improve issues of global environmental impact - like the Ozone Layer thinning, Pacific Atolls sinking, Serian Wars, refugee, starvation, human trafficking etc?

6. Will it assist in reducing crime, boosting motivation of addicts for treatment, addressing issues of public safety and security and justice?

7. Will it make me a better person mentally? Will I feel good about myself after? Will I get an award for it? Will I get any money for it? Will it help boost my bank account?

8. Will it get me a job? A degree? A house? A car?

9. Is it going to teach my children lifelong lessons about how to be a responsible adult?

10. Last but not the least - Is it any of my business?

If you have answered no to all 10 questions then you should have enough intelligence and self respect to say that you don't want to hear it, read it, like it or let alone talk about it and repeating it to the next person.
Because that is not news - that is GOSSIP. As in Faikakala.

The ones who start gossip are of gossip the same stroke as the ones who listen to it and repeat it without even checking if it's true but more importantly if it was any of their business!

This post has been inspired from seeing Facebook statuses of Samoan women degrading each other - and adding fuel to the fire by using malicious gossip from their so called support networks to cut and stab each other. What they don't realize is that the sams people who are pressing 'like' on the other's statuses are then going on to the other woman's status and pressing like for their response! These people are feeding off their 'personal attacks' of each other for their sheer amusement and entertainment!

Who are the fools now?

I find it horribly disgusting when women have nothing better to do than to just amuse and occupy their time talking about the personal lives of others. What's more disgusting are the ones running between these two women, transporting filthy bile from one woman to another and then sitting back and watching them explode and degrade each other in public - while they clap, warm up their popcorn and plan more twists for the plot to get even juicier!

YOU ARE SICK IF YOU DO THAT and GET A KICK OUT OF RUINING PEOPLE'S LIVES, REPUTATIONS AND MENTAL STABILITY.

THAT IS BULLYING!

I suggest you take yourself to your family doctor and request to see a psychologist for intervention. That is not normal human behavior.

The only outcomes for gossip can never be good.

I've seen too many women suffer public humiliation, depression, self harm and suicide all from the fact that some people just couldn't mind their own business and others weren't intelligent or strong enough to recognize gossip and say - I don't want anything to do with it!!!

And for what? For a mere MAN?
Seriously ladies? Why women give men this amount of credit and importance is half of the problems feminism exists!

I got to get to work now but - if I can just leave you with a thought to ponder on;

Real strong women empower each other and want nothing to do with gossip.
And gossip is sometimes disguised as a good intention! 'I JUST WANT TO WARN YOU THAT SHE'S THIS AND THAT OR THOSE GUYS ARE NOT WHAT YOU THINK?'

She's the type of gossip mill that you really have to work on identifying be a use they often come disguised as mother Theresa - or disguised as your cheerleading squad - but really - they're the 'execution' team! Watch out for those types - they look like angels but with daggers under their wings!

Girls spread rumours and Conspiracy because girls haven't yet learned to overcome their  insecurities.

Today - make a constant decision on which one you want to be!

And men, unless you're Brad Pitt, Patrick Dempsey or Channing Tatum - you have no right to degrade a woman for her looks - let alone have a right to degrade a woman at all for whatever reason and I don't care who you are for that matter!

Let's just mind our own business and if you spot gossip just gently nudge them on the shoulder and do a good deed by helping them to rethink their actions!

Here are some quotes I really liked about the topic!

Enjoy and keep those lips sealed!

'Loose lips, sink ships!'

Frederick's Missing Portfolio Mystery!

Last week on Thursday I came home to a hysterical Frederick! Someone had stolen his Reading Programme portfolio! He summed it up, as pretty much the doing of his ( witch ) sisters! They were always taking his books and looking into his things and ' invading my privacy ' and 'they never ask for my permission!'

He'd lost a whole month's work and he was even up to his Masters with Honours!
He was gutted.

So I told him there's no point crying about it. (After we searched high and low, even contemplated asking the neighbours if they saw anything suspicious happening from our house while we were asleep).

Told him to go into the Library and put in as much work as he could complete on Saturday and submit that to his teacher.

He completed about two weeks work in four days!

Although he didn't hit his target, we are proud of him for not giving up when he was hit with an unfortunate situation that was out of his control!

There were days when I didn't feel like getting out of bed this week. But Fred's Missing Portfolio Mystery pushed me on!

When life threw lemons at him he made lemonade with it. (After a lot of screaming and kicking). But he got there in the end - it's not his Masters but this is one Reading Degree story to be proud of - AND his crafty sisters won't be having any of the chocolate jelly tip Whittaker that he's getting tonight!

You go get them books Master Frederick!

XXX