On Monday evening, I arrived home from work to find my ten year old daughter, slouched on the couch, her head turned towards the seat so that I could not make out her expression. I instantly knew something was wrong because this child of mine, does not express herself inwardly. She’s more of an overdose of extroverts.
Little sniffing sounds came from somewhere between the cushions.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I don’t like my teacher anymore, and I hate that school,” she was crying and she was loud now.
“I don’t want to go back to that school anymore mommy and I don’t want to go to school this week,” she cried even louder.
“Frederick (younger brother), got an invitation for you guys to attend the award ceremony and I didn’t get anything,” our neighbours can hear every word now. “I worked so hard mom,” she was sobbing uncontrollably and my heart was immediately crushed to a thousand pieces.
I rushed to her and took her in my arms.
I took a deep breath and got ready for what I consider to be one of the most crucial tests of my parenting life and my full time job of mother/counsellor/advisor/ friend/role model.
She was looking to me for comfort.
She was looking for reassurance.
She wanted an answer that would make her feel good about the negative feelings she was experiencing at that specific moment.
She wanted to vent and hate the world.
It all sounded far too familiar.
As I held her, a window opened and flashes of scenarios swiped past my eyes.
What I say to my daughter at that moment in time, would determine the type of woman she would become in the future and how she would view and feel about herself.
You see, we live in a world of assessed classifications.
A woman’s beauty is assessed not by her personality and positive traits and inner strengths, but instead often by her weight and skin, or nowadays even by how large her bust and rack comes across. Never mind, whether she is someone who is unafraid to speak her mind and speak the truth. Never mind if she is someone who is kind, sincere, works hard, honest, fun, full of life, has a remarkable sense of humour and positive attitude.
Intelligence is measured by academic achievements and not of wisdom to know right from wrong, discipline, perseverance, diligence, hard work, effort and sacrifice and ability to rise from failure and try again.
Success is considered by how much is in your bank account, how big your house is, how many public organisations you’re a part of, how many cars you got parked in your massive garage, or how large your network database is, and how many ‘perceived’ powerful and successful friends you have.
Society today does not usually look at success instead, as someone overcoming challenges in life.
A single parent raising children on her own with whatever she has, however little balance in their bank account.
An alcoholic or drug addict overcoming their addictions and living in abstinence.
An autistic child being able to tell one different task from another.
A survivor of horrific sexual abuse.
A woman who managed to free herself from an abusive relationship.
A person with disabilities living a normal life.
Parents working full time jobs around their children’s lives and needs.
Teenage mothers overcoming stigma and everyone’s expectations of her to fail in life, getting an education, a respectable career and making an honest good life for herself.
No. We live in a world that values and glorifies materialism and power, as opposed to good, honest hard earned living.
So I turn my daughter’s head to me and reminded her of all the positive qualities that she possesses. And I am not exaggerating when I write it out here for her.
‘You are one of the most hardworking 10 year olds that I’ve ever come across. She does all of her home works every week. Everything all completed’.
‘You are always prepared for school or for any projects and drives me to the wall with your sometimes over persistent nagging when you want something school related done’.
‘You completed your Masters Degree in Reading, starting from the Certificate Level’. Out of over 60 students who participated, only 15 students received their Master and PHDs and she was one of them. (She started to smile at the memory of that sweet victory).
As I read out all of the different areas she had excelled and achieved in throughout the year, she stopped her sobbing and started thinking. I also made sure that she knew that I and her father and her family thought that because of her kindness, her perseverance, her diligence and hard working nature, we her family, all thought that she was beautiful, intelligent, smart and she was definitely going places.
And she is, just because she did not get an award this year, doesn’t mean that she didn’t work hard, or that she wasn’t smart, or that she didn’t do her best.
On the contrary, she gave it her all. She gave it her best. She was an admirable rival in the race.
But like one Samoan saying goes; “E le mua uma ni va’a”.
This is referring to the longboat races, and the elderly would say at the end of the race, (which is a much anticipated event and raises a lot of excitement amongst the locals) ‘there can only be one winner’.
Yes – there can only be one winner, but the winner has something far more important in common with his/her adversaries.
They all worked hard.
They all fought to be number one.
They fought a good fight.
They rowed day and night practising and increasing their strengths.
Some may have slacked in their diet and were not completely fit.
Some may have been distracted by other things. Others perhaps did not have enough resources and or support to assist them with their trainings, skills development and strategizing. All these different components and more determine which boat will edge out a little ahead of the others. But that doesn’t mean that those left behind are any less capable of becoming number one.
But, sure enough, come the following year, the same teams would be back for another race.
I learned a very important lesson from this part of my journey with my daughter Sa.
As a mother, and a woman, I have had to overcome a lot of challenges (that I do not write about often – aside from my weight troubles) to be where I am today in life.
Sa’s disappointment, has clearly made me review my journey all over again and it has reminded me that in life, I have fallen a lot, but it made me develop resilience, strength, courage and bravery. WE all do.
I may not have a large fancy bank account. I may not own a large fancy house, or have three cars, or own a business, nor do I care to try and be noticed by social climbers for an increased status in society but I am independent and happily satisfied and content with where I am in life.
I have come a long way from teenage pregnancy and stigma where I had sometimes thought of ending my life (from shame and embarrassment). I still completed school and went onto to University preparatory year, where other ‘normal’ girls and boys my age at the time had failed. When all I wanted was to bury myself in bed and never show the world my face ever again. I still went to town and church and socialised with other people. I didn’t give in to urges of selfharm, or drowned myself in alcohol or drugs as I've seen happen too often with others (it's not an easy path to go down afterall), instead I took responsibility for my actions and in return discovered one of 5 of the most beautiful and precious gifts that God has ever blessed me with.
I may have had my fair share of club hopping and fish drinking and pulling all nighters and doing all sorts of crazy things like crashing one of your best friend's parent's car, but it has made me appreciate quiet nights at home now, reading a good book on the weekends, know the difference between good and cheap wine, and to wear flats when I go dancing now, which is rarely. I don't miss it one bit.
I may have had a couple of failed relationships and kissed a few frogs but when it came time to pick a knight, I picked one of the few good ones that women talk about over drinks and say things like, 'why are all the good ones taken?' Yes, he's a keeper. He may not be the richest man in the world, and doesn't like to dress fancy all the time, and drives an SUV but he is faithful, generous, kind, thoughtful of my needs, hard worker, provider for my children and I, respects my space and lets me do whatever the hell I want to do,and supports me in ALL I pursue and did I say faithful? And let's not forget damn good looking too, (the man never fails to get stares from the palagi ladies everywhere we go). Yes, his days of drinking like a fish and clubbing are well over. He's only content to just hang around home with me and the children. You wouldn't find him anywhere else but next to me!
I may not have been school dux or assessed as one of the academics of my time in school, but I damn well passed every examination and every stage of my education, went to university and I am still studying, whilst working in a highly demanding job (full time), raising five children with my husband who works the night shift so we can be present in our children’s lives.
My father may not have been rich in material things but he was with me every single day of my life as a child. He was a present parent. He was there night and day to wipe the tears from my small eyes. To rub a cut on a knee, or put band aid on an open wound. He was there to walk me to school every morning and to church almost every Sunday (that decreased in frequency as I got older). He was there to smack me when I misbehaved. He was there to name my pet pig Sadam after the Iraq president Sadam. He made sure I did not starve a single day, or go without clothes. He made sure all my school fees were paid on time and I had my stationary. He was present. He was no fancy business man and he was not accorded what was and is rightfully owed to him as per his father’s wishes, but he looked beyond that and instead earned only from the sweat of his own back to support his family.
My mother may not have married rich, but she is the BEST mother in the whole wide world. She is, kind, loving, gentle, warm, funny, and she is humility in tangible form. She taught me to love, respect and care for people without social status tags on them. She taught me to forgive people’s inadequacies continuously. She taught me that in forgiving I would find peace. She taught me that life is nothing without God, humility and faith. She really makes me soft, grounded and human.
No this is not about making a point of what I’ve achieved.
On the contrary, it’s more about what I’ve not achieved and don’t have in life – YET it hasn’t in anyway robbed me of what’s important in my journey. I may not have any of those things, but I have far greater riches which I can pass onto my children.
Valuing hard work and being honest to myself.
Teaching my children that success is not about making money and getting rich and keeping up with the Smith’s.
Instead I teach them that there are far greater riches than the dollar sign. Richness in values, strength and confidence in one’s self and skin. I show them by living and breathing it every day, what hard work, honesty, integrity, perseverance and never ever giving up looks like. And that, above all things, they must put more trust in faith and God. We can only assure a society without violence and less social issues by raising children to become adults rich of these traits.
I also realised that all of the hard yards have quietly slipped into my thinking and turned me into a parent who sometimes has unrealistic expectations of their children. Because of my teenage life cut short (of my own poor judgement), I then expected my children to supersede all of my hopes, dreams and aspirations that I had had for myself. All the things that I didn’t get to do, I wanted them to achieve it all and succeed in all. But this I learned, many a times and in many moons ago, to be extremely unfair for the children.
Every child is unique and each have their own strengths, weaknesses, desires and dreams. Not every child will make the prize list, but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to be successful in life.
So if your child did not or is not getting a prize this year (like my other three children), don’t worry too much over it. Don’t let the hype on social media dishearten you.
Instead, console yourself in the knowledge that they have worked hard, and all hard work will be rewarded one way or another. You just have to accept the process that leads you to it.
Real success, is about how you bounce back from a fall.
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