It seems I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
It's a new year, what's the next challenge at work?, where do I want to be in my life a this point?, who do I want to distance myself from and why?, Who do I need to make more meaningful connections with and why?, how can I make more money? (be honest, you've thought about it), how can I get the children to improve on their weaknesses and capitalise on their strengths more?, how else do I motivate my husband to go to church (other than issuing ultimatums with no consequences), will I be able to take that dream trip this year?...
The list goes on, and on, and on...
A new year is always like the morning dew. Fresh and cool moist tear drops of newfound hope caressing tired dry leaves from the heat of the day before. It's a time when we are once again revived with new hope for better things to come, improvement, development, redemption, success.
It brings the promise of new beginnings. The rare moments in our journey, where we feel we have a second chance at life.
For many years growing up, I heard my elders talk of New Year Resolutions. Then I started to read about it, in newspapers, my mother's magazines, books and heard of it in movies, even in music.
So naturally I adopted the concept to my own life. At the beginning of a New Year I would think up resolutions for myself.
Lose weight - When I was younger, I was very conscious of my weight, but it didn't stop me from loving my food.
Look beautiful - because at your teen years back then, that is quite high up on your list.
Meet the boy of my dreams who lived in a far away exotic country - he would somewhat find the dot of Samoa on the map and discovered me through a crystal online ball (technology that was not yet invented at the time) and he would cross the oceans and the seas to seek me out and ask my father for my hand in marriage. (As you can see, that one was very much the doing of my wild imagination).
Be more obdient to my parents - What can I say, I was an only child and my father was a simple man, who's priorities in life, were ensuring I was happy, beer, family and food.
Less talking back to my mother - again, blame the OCS (Only Child Syndrome)
Improve my grades - boy it seemed like I was going no where back in those days.
Help the needy, poor, sick and old more - I didn't earn an income at the time so I would either snuck (stole) food from my family store and gave it to someone who needed it, or begged my mother to do something about it - so technically that wasn't really helping the moral box.
All this was trully well an made with genuine honest intentions. But did it really add much value to my life at that time?
Sometimes we are too busy with making lists of what we want to do, that we overlook the vital lessons in reflecting on what we didn't do, which led us to fall in the first place.
Last year 2014 was a life changing year for me and it changed my whole family's life as well.
Surgery, weightloss, new roles at work, new place of employment, opportunities, second child off to boarding school and college, relocated our residence, new friends and acquaintances, I started to be a bit more active with blogging,started writing poetry and adding chapters to my book again (it's been over a decade since I last wrote poetry and fiction) distance learning at Un... those are just some of the changes that happened in my life.
What that did to me as person, is beyond me.
My Faith in God and my church was revived, because he saw me through so many challenges that it was impossible to credit that to my own doing alone. Confidence came back to me as sure as the pounds were peeling off my body. Confidence in my own skin, confidence to have conviction over my thoughts, opinions, preferences, beliefs and values, confidence that I was enough, and if people did not appreciate that, then I was/am better off without them. Depression became more manageable and sometimes forgotten completely.
Contentment with my life and my family fulfilled and overflowing. Best of all, I trully stopped caring what others thought of me, or thought of how and what I should be - instead I just listen to ME.
Too often, whether we realise it or not, we live our lives according to the perceptions of others and society.
Perceptions of people whom one - do not contribute one cent to your livelihood, second - only always want to see you fail, third - expect you to be the epitome of virtue whilst they have their own double standards and thirdly - no matter what you do, they will always find faults in every damn thing you do.
Perception. Is really a virtuous whore with varied preferences, expectations, no payment, just a moral indignation!
I like to go out a lot with my girl friends, who are either single, separated or divorced, alone without my husband. Because when you've been married 12 years and have 5 children, and work full time in a stressful job, you need serious wine and girl time - alone! I (being the all fiercely independt minded person that I am) finds this perfectly normal. Until it was pointed out to me that this may not look good for me. A married woman should never go out alone by herself! REALLY? By what book on earth says that this is wrong?
First - whoever thinks this is wrong is not paying for my wine, and has no sympathetic ear to hear my troubles
Second - unless it was Patrick Dempsey or Brad Pitt, there is no way in hell that I would be out at night alone with the sole intention of eyeing up every bloody damned man on the street - unless I was completely demented or too drunk to walk - both of which have yet to happen.
Thirdly - I am absolutely lucky to have a husband who is understanding and tolerant of my girl "ME" times, until someone tries to poison his head with their idiotic presumtions.
What about the misguided notions that if you post on face book images of a luxurious lifestyle of fine dinning and alcoholic drinking,posting about your mortgaged home (which btw still belongs to the bank), your latest car, mixing with the 'in' crowd, travelling everywhere - then you are rich, better than everyone else and fabulous.
And my favourite, saving the world in never ending charity, going to church everyday,doing all sorts of things righteous, virtuous and good; then that makes you the epitome of Mother Theresa incarnated - but behind closed doors are you really any of those tings?
I'm not saying all of that is bad, (except for the drugs bit,I'm quite set on drugs - I do not tolerate it full stop).
Hell no. If you've earned it, by all means share it or not - it's your choice and it's nobody's business. I've done my share of posting similar posts. WE have all been guilty of a bit of gloating and unsolicited bragging. I dare you to have the guts to admit it.
It's the fact that folks then turn around and judge each other for different reasons and agendas and preferences, for things that they too have done, but just in a different context as a result of all our efforts to express ourselves, that's created a lot of trouble for many.
When it comes to perception, you can NEVER do anything right!
What makes us think that we can criticise a married woman for going out alone at night with her friends, without her husband yet we can have sexual affairs with everybody elses' husbands as long as no one knows about it, or we don't even pay attention to our own husbands at home, or we also do the same with our friends (but we do it during the day)?
What makes us think that we have the right to proclaim to be the epitome of righteousness and humility when yet we drink alcohol like a fish, take drugs occassionally, prefer the company of important people and most probably beat up our children?
What makes us feel that we are entitled to be a higher class of citizens from others, just because we have a mortgage, a fancy desk job, own a successful business, drive a fancy car, do not live in South Auckland and have friends in high places?
What makes us believe that because we live in West Auckland we are better off than those living in South Auckland, never mind the fact that most people in South Auckland are working hard in factories and basic jobs to pay off your benefit and your Housing Porperty?
What gives us the right to judge other people's children and to question their legitimacy, when yet, our own were married off pregnant, or we too conceived our children before marriage, or we have childre with other people while we're married, or we have children that other people raise because we couldn't handle the repercussions of having children with MIA biological fathers?
What in the name of Heaven makes us think that because we go to church daily, then we are more holy and righteous compared to the average Christian?
Or lets look at some widely circulated media upsets of the past year.
Teuila Blakely being taped conducting oral sex to a man (consensual) her prime in a car, whilst she was filmed by him, either with her consent or unknowingly.
Oh how quick our Samoan women jumped on the condemning bandwagon. The repercussions for the Samoan actress in mainstream media and New Zealand communities was cutting, but that was nothing compared to what the Samoan communities thought of her sexual preferences.
She was called many things including whore and you know what 'sucking' whore. Just go and die. If that's what you're use to, that's not what we do. The list is endless and more severe.
Yet if were to take notes and complete a proper analysis, a lot of the vocal people/women who were laying the cross and gathering wood for the condemnation fire for Ms Blakely - without a doubt have all sucked something similar or worse (don't forget the wireless coconut communication goes far), in different circumstances and situations but same context - that is to have sex with a man. The only difference is, Ms Blakely's moment was spilled all over social media.
That was her real crime.
It wasn't the sucking incident. It was the fact that it was all over social media and we should dare not admit to the world that Samoan women actually know how to suck such things! No. Samoan women are the epitome of virtue and righteousness! That's more pretentious I say.
Let's have a look into the matai setting.
Recently women have been awarded the priviledge and right to be bestowed with matai chiefly titles in their aiga. Unfortunately, as we have discovered,it's not been always smooth sailing for titled women.
It is often the very people who selected us to take up titles who fail to acknowledge our new status in the aiga.
Women are good enough to contribute money for their matai titles, and contribute to family fa'alavelaves and ensure everyone that comes your way is looked after, but when the family is sitting in a fono, they expect the men to talk and for you to go into the kitchen (which is fine because matai is servitude) or they don't even acknowledge your title at all. Not that you want to be acknowledged, but it's the principle of it. It's the pretentious morals that bother you. We are not stupid to just fork out money for their needs, and yet they refuse to acknowledge the status that they chose to bestow to us in the first place? Even more disappointing is that sometimes, it is mostly the women leaders in our families who do teach the men to do treat women matais this way. Pretenses.
Perception is also...
When someone is rather heavy and eating too much they're overweight.
When someone is too skinny and exercising daily - they're too thin and not eating enough, or being too vain.
When someone is looking well and enjoying being in their own skin - they're too vain.
When someone is taking photos with men/women other than their wife/husband - they're probably having affairs.
When someone speaks their mind and unafraid to stand by their beliefs - they're conceited, overly confident and high minded.
When someone wants to acknowledge their family history, their geaneology and roots - they're being a show off.
When someone is writing too much about their strong opinions - they're fia poko.
You see what I mean, 'perception' is a virtuous whore!
Reflection on the other hand is our reality check.
We all need to sit down and reflect on our values, beliefs, actions and thoughts from time to time.
What is the intention behind our actions, are we doing it for the right reason, or are we just another crowd pleaser?
Do we have the right to judge someone else?
Should we judge too quickly, or should we perhaps look at facts first?
Reflections - looking at the past, separatng pros from cons, and then we get back up and try again.
This year I reflect that I want to be better at:
More attentative to others (we can never do this enough).
Really truly, not give a damn about what people think, especially people who do not contribute to my well being at all
Listening and connecting with others
Being happy about myself and where I am in life
Doing more for my children, I think at present we have a crazy schedule, but one can never do enough where children are concerned
Doing more for anyone who needs my help
Work on my marriage and relationships (we all do - if we were not so proud to admit it)
Eat a bit of chocolate from time to time
Treat my body to wellness and wellbeing all year
More pedicures and massages
Connect and reseach more of my Grandfather's German family
Write more, read more, dance more, less alcohol, lots of music
Work progress
Saving money (I'm bad with spending)
Learning more about my culture
Judge people less
More importantly, I reflect that I need to cut down my social media use not because it's wrong to tell my 150plus active friends on fb (out of 2,000 something)what I'm doing, but because when we're hooked on our phones and computers 80% of the time daily, that means we miss out on a lot of connections and miracles happening all around us.
We miss the morning dew, or the sun flowers spreading herslef open to the sun's rays, the smell of food from your neighbour's home, or that the old lady next door may need someone to talk to, or that your teen age daughter appears a little reserved today, or your mother wants to change churches out of nowhere and you can't make sense of it, or your husband needs more pampering, and your wife just needs you to understand her. Basically, you miss out on the real world!
So this year, if you've made some sort of resolution list - try adding, less judging and more reflections to it!
It may damn well be the best advise you have ever received - free of charge ofcourse!
