I know. I know.
(Pouting lips emoji).
I owe it to my readers and followers to blog at least more than two to three times a year!
And myself too.
No excuses really.
I suppose I have been avoiding the writing pad.
You see, this blog is about my journey in life.
Nothing here is feigned, fabricated or a misconception of my reality.
And the dynamics of my reality have shifted drastically over the past year or since I last posted; it has altered the lives of those I love, my family and those close to me.
So I have been deliberately delaying this post. But I knew it would have to be written at some stage.
It is inevitable with me, because truths is my cleansing. My closure of a chapter and turning a page into another.
So here we are.
I have been in an official separation arrangement since March 2016.
Prior to that we had been living under the same roof but pretty much as strangers for close to a year.
Two years before that, we had been fighting to hold on to a flimsy marriage and relationship for the sake of the kids,to keep an image of a happy marriage and a happy life for our families, and our friends.
But one of us wasn't happy.With a lot of things.
One of us accepted that we had outgrown our marriage and our relationship and that one of us was no longer the same and no longer felt the same about the relationship and about the way things were between us and in our personal circumstances.
One of us was brave enough to identify that we were beyond fixing and that one of us was no longer satisfied with just 'existing' just 'being' for the sake of 'being' anymore.
Needless to say that that person was me. I felt that love was no longer 'being in love' it was more about co-existing alongside each other for the sake of upholding an image that we both knew was no longer in existence.
Of course - the other party was in denial, anger and frustrated. Which was to be expected. They did not see the relationship through my eyes and through the same lenses.
He only understood his reality and perception and was only prepared to accept his lenses and not mine.
We did everything. We tried church. Counselling. Socialising a bit more. Spending more time with the children. Talking to our parents. We D I D everything possible to try and salvage the marriage.
You can't fix something broken with more brokeness! If that makes sense.
We could do all the counselling we wanted, attended all functions we wanted together, have all the dinners we wanted, but if compatibility and common interests which keep deep attraction between a man and a woman are gone - there is nothing much you can do. If both parties aren't willing to make changes to accommodate the changes in their partner - then there isn't much you have to talk about - except to argue daily, about every little thing that either of you are doing wrong.
Except to point out each other's inadequacies and shortcomings. A little too often.
It became a hate game.
Who did this, who didn't do that, who was doing it better and who wasn't doing anything!
Meanwhile, five little eyes were eyeing and following us and our every move and action.
Five little eyes were sometimes secretly masking the hurt that our screaming matches were doing to them.
All the while - we continued to smile at the camera - for the sake of Facebook and to keep our families believing that we were in fact - the perfect family!
So one of us decided to call a spade for what it was and walk away.
Walk away to find myself. Walk away to prevent those five little eyes from hurting any further. Walk away for me. Because life is too short, and I have too many goals I want to achieve and I could not do that within that space any longer.
So without feeling like I have to explain myself further to anyone - that is where I am...and for a while there, I enjoyed single life - A LOT.
I enjoyed the flexibility and freedom of moving freely and doing what I loved to do in the community freely without having to check with someone else first to see if it might clash with them or how they felt about it.
Let's be honest folks - that is the best part of being 'single'!
The power to be your very own boss!
I also enjoyed getting to know myself more, the new me.
I enjoyed being alone.
I enjoyed the company of my children more.
I loved the freedom of learning new things about myself, my environment and others around me.
I was proud that I had the strength to identify that I wasn't happy and did what I needed to do to resolve that - however unorthodox or untraditional and un-Samoan that may mean - I decided to still my mind to the influence and fear of what 'people might think' and instead do what was best for me!
And then I think - because I was so content within myself and who I am now as a woman, mother, and a person; Life unexpectedly threw me a very scrumptious and unexpected Fish!
(Laughing out loud emoji).
I met someone! (Cheeky grin emoji).
I swear I had just made a vow to stay single for the next five years and even texted a close friend the very same words! And then life, as She does - decided to be coy and send me spinning off my feet with this Fish!
YES - I'm getting to the fishing part!
I met my new beau! Partner. Boyfriend. Beast. Whatever it is people call it these days!
Excuse my ammm ignorance - but in my defence, I have been inactive in the'official'dating scene for some time!
It all started with his love of art, he use to do a bit of tattooing as well, and does some carving and painting. So his pick up line was really my tattoo! (That horrible patch on my arm - isn't so useless after all).
Then we found out (through a lot of excessive natural talking) that he is actually this amazing nifty fisherman during the weekends, when he's not at his full time job, and we both shared an obsession with sea food and what can I say - it all just took off from there!
Destined love at first sight!
(Big smiling face with two hearts emoji).
Meet Sione! My Tongan Beast! (And no that is not a made up name - however common that is in the Tongan community - that is his real name, I checked the passport - believe you me!) - cheeky smile emoji!
So anyway, Sione decided to be a darling and do some making up to me this week by taking me fishing on his boat the Tui Vava'u.
At first - I was apprehensive about the whole thing!
First of all - I have a morbid fear of bottomless water! I can't swim!
Yes. There are some things this self proclaimed super woman can't do! (tongue out in full force emoji)
But then I thought - the ocean has a beautiful way of cleansing your mind and rejuvenating your spirits!
So off we went. (I made sure he gave me a life jacket well before the boat was moored away from the dock and into the ocean).
The Tui Vava'u - was fairly comfortable considering it is a small boat but when my Skipper accelerated the engine into full throttle, I had to hold on to the railings for my dear own life!
(big wide eyes emoji)
And there in ladies - I'm going to give you some truths about Fishing!
Unless its one of them big yachts - be prepared that there is nothing romantic about it!
If you're going to be worried about your manicured nails getting dirty, or the wind blowing off your perfect salon hair, or getting sea water soaked from the currents, or occasionally losing your balance and stumbling around trying to find some solid ground and something other than a MAN to hang on to - then FISHING is not for you!
There is no Fia Pretty acceptable anywhere around fishing!
You either work for your spot on the boat or pretty much become dead fish to the rest of your crew.
So I didn't dive of course - but I sat in the boat, feet up, ate my doritos, did some facebooking, selfies galore and watched the men at work collecting all my kina and mussels for dinner! (show off emoji)
And then I did the most important job ofcourse - that is - to count all of the collected kinas and mussels.
Fisheries only allow 75 mussels for three people (25 pp) and 150 kinas (50 pp).
So yes my role was very very very important. (winked eye emoji)
What was left from that - this darling beaut of mine spoon fed it all to me on the boat for lunch!
I WILL NEVER EAT KINA THE SAME AGAIN!
Then we set about fishing. This was at the Hauraki Gulf.
Don't ask me for geographical specifications - I'm left handed - we are forever lost in directions! (laugh out loud emoji)
You can however ask Uncle Google!
Anyway. Focus.
So Sione. Ever so gentle and all so patient and determined to convert me into a wild untamed Fisherwoman (laugh out loud emoji) proceeded to show me how to use a rod.
I quite enjoyed releasing the catchment and letting the coil go, with a guided thumb.
Then waiting for it to stop, which mean't my baited fish hooks have reached the bottom of the ocean.
Using my right hand, I would then close the catchment, put my forefinger along the line, and my thumb underneath it and wait to feel a fish pull at the hook. "You will know a fish has taken the bait when you feel the coil pull underneath your forefinger," said my Skipper. (all the while, I was trying to concentrate on the instructions and forget how his closeness can often mesmerise me). (winked eye and tongue out emoji).
1. When you feel the pull or gentle tug on your forefinger, a fish has taken the bait
2. Wait for the fish to be full biting into it, then flip the rod quickly backwards to feel if it's held onto the hook *you'll know because it's suddenly become heavy.
3. Lower the rod back into the ocean and start reeling quickly and flip, lower, reel quickly and flip
4. repeat till you see the fish hooks and hopefully a fish!
Skipper said in his ever so bossy tone (that I absolutely like - because I get to boss around people at work and at home, so its nice for a change) - "You better be listening and learning quickly mate, I'll only show you how to fish once," - bossy alright!
Of course - as us women do, we only let them think they're the boss in certain situations, 90% of the time, we are the spine that moves the head of the boss! (laugh out loud emoji).
Yes. Back to fishing.
I caught my first 45cm snapper after my first go. Then I caught another similar sized snapper after my third. And I officially earned my spot on the boat and became one of the tokos (bros) after that! (Skippers own words himself).
For what its worth, it was a most memorable lifetime experience.
Especially driving us back home! Fantastic stuff - I'm a speed addict, so it was a nice change to have to drive a speedboat on the ocean!
I now have a whole new level of appreciation for seafood every time I have some, because I'll know that out there somewhere on the ocean someone would have rode some rough tides, endured some imbalances and dove in freezing temperatures to get kina, mussels and or had to exercise a lot of patience waiting for that tug on the rod!
We - my Skipper and I, overcame some minor waves of our own that day and well such is life, we will always be riding high tides and low tides and sometimes just flat currents; (especially when there are forces/people in our lives who are stubborn about letting go and moving on with their lives and leaving us be with our love) but knowing where we're going and having clear expectations will be our compass - and one can never go wrong with that to guide them on the journey!
We both are very blessed to each have second chances at love and we intend to keep riding those waves!
I leave you with more pics to ponder on!
