It's been awhile since I last posted.
A lot has happened then.
Life happens.
The wheel keeps turning.
The grind keeps grinding.
Birds keep singing in the mornings, while humans go about their business of daily life. Rising at 5am to prepare for work, get the children ready for school, go for your morning run, walk the dog, prepare and pack lunches. Iron out uniforms and work attire. Make an attempt to clean the house before you leave for the day (so you're not coming back to a hell hole).
Try to catch the 6am morning news. The list goes on.
Life goes on.
She doesn't wait for anybody.
Least of all me.
February is always a sensitive and hectic month for me.
My father's passing anniversary.
I'm an only child. I was his little girl. He was my world. My first real love. The only man who would only ever love me truly, completely and entirely in all my flaws, my imperfections and without conditions.
Nowadays, people write up terms and conditions and even contracts (invisible or otherwise) for each other in their relationships. Because we are all too afraid to fall. To let loose and let love take over. We have expectations in what we want in a potential partner. But we fail to look at what we could bring to the table for them in return.
The world can quickly become a 'self centered' place if we are not careful with our perceptions, outlook on life and expectations.
So I miss my father terribly when I'm reflecting on my relationships and life. He didn't have any conditions. Just my best interests at heart really.
Then there are three birthdays in our household including mine. For me, it is always depressing when you are faced with the realization that you are not getting any younger and the clock is ticking by fast. I dare say I'm too ambitious and too impatient for my own good.
You start looking at your personal and professional goals and you start analysing where you are in life. And the reflection of unachieved goals can be tough on the soul.
This is always a rough ride on the journey. I have to remind myself to put on my seat belt and even a life jacket sometimes. The ride gets really rough and hard at this point.
You start comparing yourself to others. To your friends and family members.
They have multiple mortgages. Completed degrees. Travelled the world. Sons with professional rugby contracts. Moved up the corporate world. Have become bosses in their work places and organizations. Successful children. Wonderful marriages. New hot looking partners. Successfully divorced. Or if you're like one of my many single mates - you would be sulking that the clock is ticking and you still haven't found the ONE!
Whilst here you are thinking....I haven't really done much this past year. .....or things haven't really changed much in my relationships, at work, business or on the home front.
Yes. I always need a life jacket at this part of the journey! It gets pretty turbulent and rough. It's a good thing this is all happening on land and air, or otherwise I would be dead by now - seeing as I'm not much of a swimmer nor a fan of bottomless water.
Valentines Day. Hmmmm V Day!
People that know me, and those whom I am brave enough to let in to my inner layers of personal space, would know that I AM a hopeless romantic!
I love everything there is to love about love.
It is THE most intriguing, most magical feeling in the world. When two people find themselves mesmerized in each other, no one else and nothing else in the world matters nor exist, but their spellbinding existence - that is love. It is poetically beautiful and real and rare. However, this year I no longer felt the urge to celebrate V Day.
Quite frankly I now find it to be just another money making day for the big commercial giants. More over....why is there so much emphasis on couples make each other the center of their worlds on this single day out of 365 days of the year? We should be the Centre of our partners' world 365 days.
They should buy us flowers every other day. (Okay realistically once a week)
Open car doors every time you get in or out. (Not all the time...but now and then would be nice)
Pull out your chair at public dinners or events.
Offer to cook dinner for you.
Help out around the house without needing to be told or asked.
Calling each other every day for no apparent reason other than to hear theirs or your voice on the other side of the line.
Making exciting plans with you to visit exotic places, just because you can.
Sharing all of your disappointments with each other because you genuinely want to be there for them - instead of filtering what you can tolerate.
Sending each other little notes, texts or messages every now and then just to show that you're on their mind...either morning or night.
Buy clothes or shoes or little personal items for each other because you get immense pleasure and excitement at seeing your partner or spouse wearing something you personally and carefully selected.
The list goes on.
See. I'm a hopeless romantic.
But this year.... I just wasn't feeling it.
Packed up my work and spent the day at the office instead. My husband of fifteen years slept the day away. Peacefully too.
I guess celebrating a day that only comes around once a year when we are faced with trials 364 other days just didn't seem appealing anymore. Or maybe I'm just getting old.
Which brings me to another special February stop on the journey.
My transformation anniversary.
Two years this February since surgeons looked at me and decided - she's lost over 25 kilograms on her own, we can safely operate on her now. They cut off 90% of my stomach (gut) and from there my food portions were reduced significantly and my appetites were gone. About 18 months later. The stomach has expanded again (grown back) and the appetites are back to normal, as well as my ability to tolerate solid heavier foods. All is back to normal.
Except I'm not.
I am no longer that woman they operated on two years ago.
Looking back to it now. She was somewhat naive and very soft.
She tolerated a lot that no other woman should. She gleefully accepted all of her circumstances and decided that she would work things out. That life would get better. She wholeheartedly believed that people could change for the ones they care for.
She didn't look after herself well. Both physically and mentally. Always working. Always looking out for someone. Cleaning up after someone. Doing favors for someone. Eating junk too much and drowning all her worries and disappointments in alcohol. Or simply in a bowl of food and in front of a couch. Exercise was not a thing she wanted to do then.
She had long stopped caring for her own physical appearance. It no longer mattered what she looked like...for most of the time. She didn't want to be seen anyway.
She was always too quick to forgive the inadequacies of others. Always too quick to overlook their flaws and imperfections. Tolerating that they had no wish to impart anything of themselves to her, except to take what she could give them. Always riding on the wave of 'What if' and 'They'll come around'. Always foolishly believing that one day they would see her sacrifices and her pain and they would feel remorse and they would want to improve the quality of their relationship with her.
That woman is no more.
She's long gone now.
In her place is someone I am slowly getting to know all from scratch.
She looks after herself really well now.
She meditates. Eats clean mostly seven days a week. Has come from ground zero to seven or even eight (on some days) on a fitness spectrum of 1 - 10. She trains six days a week and runs six to seven days in the mornings. She is restless without exercise. She is restless if she's not moving around and doing something physically productive with her time.
She has shed well over 65kgs now. She's shrunk by about six dress sizes and has even appeared to have grown by a few inches in height.
She knows however that the physical transformation, although very appealing to the human eye, is NOTHING compared to her mental and spiritual transformation.
The one that nobody ever sees.
Unless she let's them see it.
She is stronger in every way as opposed to the woman in pre-op. She no longer tolerates feigned affection and false pretenses. She no longer tolerates people disregarding and undermining her feelings, opinion or role in a situation or relationship.
She no longer has the patience to wait for people to make up their minds. Change their behaviors. Follow through on their empty promises or decide whether she should come first or second on their list of priorities.
Life is too damn short to be living it in waiting. Waiting for people to choose her. She chooses herself now.
It makes her content. It gives her peace. It gives her solace to finally find true happiness in herself.
She no longer tolerates forced relationships and fake friendships and even more fake relatives.
She simply walks away from what no longer serves her best interests and closes the door on what brings more grief than stimulation and positive growth.
She likes to be alone in a romantic sense. Whilst still keeping her loved ones and family close. She likes to try all new things and everything.
She is fierce and brave and adventurous in spirit and mind.
She opens herself more to criticism now and sees the value in personal growth and development that comes with reflecting on others' perceptions of her.
She understands however that she needs to be realistic with her expectations of others. And that their limitations, their decisions and how they respond to her - is a reflection of themselves and has nothing to do with her. In that sense she is more tolerant of the outside forces but will not let it affect her inner peace or define who she is as a person.
She enjoys meaningful, stimulating conversations and challenging the norm, her views and that of others.
She thrives to empower women and inspire other women to fight for their place in society and equal respect from men.
She respects a man who respects her as an equal and values her professional and personal opinion. She feels that these men have no insecurities about themselves or women, they simply do not prejudice a woman based on her gender.
She enjoys sports now.
She enjoys the process of cooking. Of going to the store and carefully selecting ingredients for her chosen menu. She cooks with music on and a glass of wine in tote. She dances in the kitchen by herself and sings in the car when driving.
She no longer uses an extension seat belt on the plane. No longer needs to go for seconds or fourths at the buffèt. No longer embarrassed to wear bikinis at the beach. No longer chooses to sit in a strong sturdy chair at people's homes or restaurants incase she falls over.
She no longer wears her version of turbans to cover masses of body fat.
She embraces her new body. In all of its flab (from weight loss), stretch marks and cellulite. She embraces it all and loves herself still.
She likes to shoot things with real guns. Because it brings a strong feeling of accomplishment and release at the same time.
She loves to buy clothes and shoes and pretty things not only for herself but for the people she loves. Especially her children.
She is more liberal than ever with her children and more understanding and tolerant of their choices and decisions.
She certainly has more time for her now.
She is hardly angry anymore.
She will argue her point. She will speak her mind. She is direct. She is painfully honest and blunt. She bravely let's in new people to her circle (selectively) and she will give her opinion on something directly and without restrictions. But she is not and WILL NOT be angry.
She wants change. Her priorities have changed. Her desires and goals in life have changed drastically.
She is ambitious and she has set standards and goals for herself and her children. She knows there is nothing wrong with having those to guide you on the journey.
She gets sad. She gets down. Depression still comes and goes. But she doesn't indulge nor dwell on self pity and blaming the world for her problem. No. She would rather seize opportunities and run with it and explore where it takes her. If it fails, it's not meant to be. If it's worth fighting for - then by all means she'll fight for it.
She is brave than her.
She is stronger than her.
She is not going to settle in grey areas. She not going to settle for greys to decide, to make their minds, to leave, to change, to sweep her off her feet. No. She will not tolerate the greys, the unknowns.
She is who she is not because of the weights she lifts everyday. But she's who she is because she decided to still her mind from all the outside forces and let it focus on her and what's best for her instead.
Because her is pretty amazing and she deserves more. She deserves the magic.
On that day, prior to putting on the hospital gown and getting onto the narrow hospital bed to go under the surgeon's knife. She had no idea that she would transform into a whole new person. Not just physically but more so spiritually and mentally.
Everything else has changed. But she feels she is finally who she is meant to be.
She has finally found Me!
No comments:
Post a Comment