Amongst other things, I also write poetry...this is the first in many moons. Red Forbidden Wine.

When desire is red forbidden wine...
Where unbeknown joys and pleasures may await,
Spirit, Freedom, Youth and Rights, locked in an endless circle
Black mould wraps logic...
consumes warmth
But locked, locked away in a square, locked away in a box.
Closed. Shut. Prisoner of thy own bed.
Prisoner in thy own head..
Never to fly...
Withers...dies

Be bold..be brave .. be fearless
Key to lock honesty
Endless guesses exhausting, mind numbing
Circles confusing...circles excruciating
Closed. Shut. Prisoner of aimless provocation
Prisoner in thy own head.
Never to fly
Withers...dies
But rescue is wine
Deep, red, velvet...smooth, soft gentle roll wine.
Withers...dies.

Matai over Tattoo

I have tried my best to stay out of the Traditional Tattoo/ Tatau/ Malu debate. It's been a much talked about topic since the Nike fiasco and then singer Rihanna's stint with what appeared to be Malu pattern designs tatted on her hand after her tour in Auckland New Zealand recently. And then she covered it up. The whole topic involves a lot of emotions, provokes a lot of thoughts, usually with references to what is the correct practise around the use of the Traditional Tattoos, who should get one, who should be imposing tattoos, and now lately, which is the better sex to impose the Malu, which is traditionally reserved for Samoan females. I have tried to stay out of this topic, mainly because one, I don't have a Malu, and I don't plan on getting one anytime soon (mainly because I want to lose weight first and save up for it - they literally cost an arm and a leg, two thighs to be exact), and thirdly because I feel that the emphasis placed on the arguments could be better, or let me put it this way - it could be different. The arguments have been the same for as far as I can remember! Who, why, when and how! What about relevance? What about importance in relation to our culture and our connection with each other? Yes, its the ultimate honour that any Samoan woman could get, it is her induction into the realm of Samoan womanhood, signifying strength and independence. But is it the only honour that is accorded to a Samoan woman, or man? Is it the only ultimate acknowledgement that we can award a Samoan man or woman? Because all this debating has shadowed every other forms of honour that Samoan men and women can come into.

Which brings me to my argument. I feel that the popular arguments on the topic are putting too much emphasis on overused points, and therefore exhausting the topic itself, which quite frankly, I thought it was getting too boring to write about anymore. Yes the Malu is traditionally valuable and important. The Tatau is important. It is a traditional art. Simply put. I mean no disrespect to the entity of the Malu or any man or woman who has had the Tatau or the Malu. In fact I have huge admiration for those who have weathered the a'u and made themselves and their families proud. I have many relatives who have the laei. It is definitely a mark to bear with pride and honour. The fact that I am related to them,even makes me proud.

But then there is also something more important that I feel we are not giving enough credit in the world of print and social media. The honour of bearing the lineage of your family. The privilege of gaining the trust and respect of your Aiga, by being selected out of no doubt hundreds of extended relatives to bear the Titles or Chiefly Matai names of your families. Chiefly Titles or Suafa Matai, are Samoa's Mea sina/Taonga/Treasures. Without titles your lineages will be lost. Without titles your traditional gafa/lineage may cease to exist. A Matai is carefully selected by their extended families, in a fono or gathering of other already titled leaders of the family. Whoever's going to bear the title, must be courageous, brave and fearless to take their place amongst the saofa'iga or seating of chiefs in the village, and chiefs of the extended families. The chosen will receive the blessings of the village or district Pastors and church leaders, before they receive that of the already titled chiefs or matai of their Aiga. The ceremonies requires a lot of collected monetary donations to the villagers, extended families and sometimes neighbouring districts, as well as a celebratory feast for all who attend,(which is usually the whole village, men and women alike).

This aspect of the fa'a Samoa (Samoan Way),is pivotal to its very existence. The Matai Village Council is the highest and most powerful entity in the village. Whatever the council says, the villagers will ask how much? Samoa is the only country in the world with a Village Council Act, which regulates the decisions and actions of the village council impacting on the development and wellbeing of the village. Samoa is also the only country in the world that has a Lands and Titles Court, where cases determining the rightful ownership of titles and land associated with these titles are determined in a Court setting. A Samoan title, I must say is just as honourable as any English Royal Family title. Both useless in both countries, but extremely valuable in their own lands. In fact, former Head of State and much loved leader of Samoa, the late Honourable Susuga Malietoa Tanumafili II; is well known for stating to the late King of Tonga, when he was asked as to why his people don't bow to him, his famous reply was; "In Samoa, everyone's a king". A saying no truer than its exact translation. Our titles mean, we are kings/leaders in our own families.

Matais are bestowed titles in order to take up the responsibilities of leading and guiding their Aiga, Villages, Districts and extended families. A famous Samoan saying goes; "O le Ala I le Pule o le Tautua", "The Path to Leadership, is through Service". You are selected to take up the privilege and responsibility; of carrying your whole aiga's heritage, by the way you have served your family. Whether you have brought them honour and pride in your individual efforts in life, whether you have honoured your family through service to the village, church and extended family, whether your father and his father before him had served the Aiga and the villages well. Service. You don't just decide by yourself, "I am going to get a Matai Title". You don't just decide, "I am going to pay $3,000.00 next week so I can get a title". No. There are traditional sacred protocols that must be followed. Leaders who's opinions are crucial, have to determine whether you make the cut. Whether you've done enough to serve your family, and make them happy, proud and want not for anything. Service. It is not received through a mere ancient traditional artistic practise, it has to be EARNED through hard work, dedication, commitment, sweat, honesty, and most of all alofa/love for your Aiga. Some may argue that it is hardly the case these days. That it is almost just as commercialised as the Traditional Tattoos. But we all know different. Yes, it may be the case for some families, but it may well be, that those individuals received that honour, if not by their service, but through the service of their ancestors and their parents before them.

It would be six years this month, since I had received the same honour from my mother's family. In November of 2007, my mother decided with her brothers and sisters, who are the Matais and leaders of our family; together with chiefs of her extended families, that instead of her, the title will go to her only child and daughter. I would be bestowed with the title of Semau, an oratory title (meaning I have a whole lot of serving to do), alongside chosen others like me. I remember having mixed feelings about it all. Waking up early that morning, to the fresh air of the big Island of Savai'i, and wondering whether I had earned this respect. Whether I had done enough. Whether I deserved it. Getting cold feet and overwhelmed with the reality of just how much of a responsibility I would be taking on. Was I ready to face titled men in my extended family, as another matai and more importantly as a titled woman? Women getting titles was still fairly new for most families, and some conservatives were still taking it hard.

Interestingly, I remembered being filled with a serene calmness that morning. An epiphany then hit me, I felt the warmth of my ancestors, of my mother's mother who had once adored me and smothered me with love and always welcomed me with open arms, she always made me feel that that was where I belonged. (We hardly went to my mother's family when I was a child). It came to me, without this link, I may never go back to that beautiful luscious greenery of Savai'i, should my mother leave this world. With my afakasi upbringing, I sometimes tended to lean more towards the western world more comfortably than the my Samoan heritage on both my parents' families. I remember thinking that 'if I don't take up that link, that challenge, I may never go back without my mother. My children may never know of their grandmother's family, her village, her extended aiga and her mea sina'. It was a beautiful awakening notion. My title would be my living link to my mother's family, and her mother's family. My children will have the right to go there anytime, any day and they will rightly say, 'This is my Aiga'. Since my title bestowal, only my family and close friends know that I am a matai. This is mostly because, I had believed in the words of my other grandmother, that a 'tamali'i' does not need public acknowledgement. People will know who you are, you don't have to tell them. She's right. But today, I am breaking my own rule, to acknowledge the people who have allocated their trust, respect and honour to me. My Lauano Semau Aiga.

(That's me behind the lady in blue. I remember refusing to come to the front, because I could not for the life of me, fold my legs properly. The title bestowal ceremony is called the Saofa'i. (Sit). They're not kidding about the sitting part. You sit there for almost 3-4 hours, folding your legs as such, the sitting, was not a pleasant experience for me).

(That's my husband Lafaitele Danny Leaupepe - second from the left; his was the bestowal of a High Chief Title - he too, does not have a traditional tattoo).

There are hundreds, if not thousands like me. They bear not a traditional lae'i, but they bear the titles and heritage of their families. They bear the links that will carry one generation into the next. A code that will hold a family intact for many years and many services and many bestowal ceremonies. They silently serve their families, village and church, through traditional fa'alavelave, through love, commitment and support. I like to call them 'silent servants' (although in my case, I'm not always silent when fa'alavelaves hit me in volumes). Not sensational enough to sustain much of any social networking arguments. But powerful enough to lead and hold together a family through service. Tattooed or not, those men and women, are wearing the lae'i of their family gafa. Bodies decay with the earth, but lineage lives on through time, forever even, for as long as the Lord wills this earth to exist. Soifua.

Men - MAN UP!

Summer in Aotearoa is all about BBQs, picnics in the park, hiking, white sandy beaches, pools,family gatherings, maxis, jandals, flowering plants everywhere and good old Sunshine!
I hate to zap your bubble, but unfortunately, Summer is also often linked with a spike in crime and domestic violence. That's because, (and we all know this), Summer is the Party Season! Alcohol and social issues flow like a stream, soothing yet mind numbing and intoxicating. Domestic Violence is an issue, that affects families in all cultures, all economic classes and all ethnic groups.

'Violence is endemic in New Zealand', this is an opening line on an anti-domestic violence website I read today. Interesting isn't it? But realistically disheartening. Statistics support it too. As of June 2013, 39.1% of the country's prison population are serving time for violence related offences, the highest percentage, followed by 22.9% of sexual offences and 18.4% for dishonesty offences. For Community Based sentences, 25.4% are serving sentences for traffic offences (this makes sense as traffic offences' penalties sit across the lower end of the sentencing tariff and there's probably just as much cars as people these days), Violence follows closely at 23.3% and dishonesty offending at 21.8%. All public information. Now these percentages aren't breaking down the number of domestic related violence from general violence, but according to research, violence is almost always happening between people in relationships, intimate and otherwise.

As a Samoan, I hate (yes I've used the word hate), that people often normalise violence and beatings that go well beyond disciplining. I read and hear people say things along the lines of, "I was beaten as a child, and look at me now, I'm doing perfectly fine!". Rubbish! It's all very courageous to say this in front of people. But behind closed doors, the cracks are more visible. Research shows that victims of Domestic Violence can become insecure, undecided, abusive, angry adults; with low or no self esteem at all. You often see them go from one extreme to the other. Either they're extreme introverts, or they become the annoying overly trying attention seeking extroverts. Victims often have long lasting scars, that they often struggle with as adults, and growing adolescents. The effects and impacts on victims, aren't always physically visible. Especially the long lasting damage.

VICTIM SHAMING:

Domestic Violence cuts close to home for a lot of us. Many have scars that run deep and still very raw. Sadly, many do not feel comfortable enough to speak out about it. I find this extremely common with Samoan families. I know this, I'm a Samoan, born and raised the Samoan way. That includes, the 'disciplinary' methods. Many victims fear retribution. "Well it's her fault for dressing the way she does anyway". Or, "A woman should always follow what her husband says, if your husband is cheating, just gofo fa'alelei e koe fo'i mai lava (just be patient and faithful, he'll be back when he's ready".

The latter boils my blood. Honestly people?

Since when did the way a woman dress, causing a man's insecurity is her fault? How is it that it's her fault that her physical appearance, her God given gifts, and the way she prefers to dress or style, should be toned down, so that her husband or boyfriend doesn't get angry or jealous? How is his insecurity her fault? Furthermore, what justice and truth and honesty lies in a logic that demands a woman should remain truthful and patient, whilst her husband is satisfying his lustful needs somewhere else? How does a woman in such a situation should be expected to go through such cruelty and nonsense? What kind of society and people are we, if this is how we're treating our women?

Human shaming is so common in our culture, it compels people to behave a certain way, spend beyond their means, and endure beyond their limits. It compels woman victims to live and stay in unhealthy relationships and marriages, for fear of bringing shame to their aiga, shame to her children (from other children and people), shame to her abuser and his aiga (why is that even her concern, is beyond me). Victim shaming is re-victimising the victims all over again. If you're one of these people, I highly suggest you get a life and an education on Domestic Violence.

Now picture this excerpt from one of my future books, (don't ask me when it'll be written, just believe that it will happen, someday...).

'Her heart is racing. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Must get the food ready before.... The back door slams shut before she could think of her next thought. It was too late. He was home. She quickly turns off the oven and turned away from her cooking. She makes haste for the plate her son had left on the table and puts it in the sink. "Where's my food?" A man, larger than life appears from the door. She knew that scent too well. It was no longer a pleasant smell to look forward towards. It's almost ready. "Well hurry the fuck up. I'm tired woman," came the disgruntled reply. At that very second, little Tom bounced into the kitchen "Mommy, mommy..." the 6 year old's excitement quickly vanished when he saw his father, and his steps halted so abruptly he ended up slamming against his mother, causing her to fall back onto the oven. A loud clang of metal hitting the floor rang out. Oh dear God No. The pot of uncooked meat was now on the floor. She didn't have time to balance her feet, when he rushed across to the child, took his tiny arm and swivelled him across the house. She yelped with fear. No. She took one step forward and was thrown off her feet. What felt like an iron fist slammed into her chest, then her face, and again and again into her face. She saw a glimpse of Tom slowly getting up on his feet, and crying uncontrollably, his eyes full of fear. "mommy mommy...leave her alone...mommy". But he wasn't stopping. She tried to fight him, but she was no match for his heavy solid frame. At least he's left Tom alone. She was being slammed into the kitchen wall now. "I told you, the food should be ready before I get home, now see what you've done?" He asked this as he tilted her head back, his hands locked in a fistful of her hair. Her whole being was trembling with fear, with emptiness, with hatred and anger. She felt so alone and vulnerable. She wanted darkness to consume her. But she couldn't leave Tom behind by himself..."I'm sorry. I'll make it now," she willed herself to say. I must do this for Tom. I must stay strong. He threw her tiny frame towards the sink. "Hurry up or it'll be the end of you, both of you," he declared. She tried to move quickly but her back felt crushed and her insides were hurting. Tom ran over to her, whilst the big man went to watch his TV. She cuddled him to her as she tries to cover herself up. Her clothes had been torn from the big man's outburst of anger. Her hair fell all around her, blood was dripping from her nose, and her eyes swollen. But she held on tightly to Tom's little warm body and gathered her strength. Must keep on, must stay strong for my baby Tom. In another life, she would have been breathtakingly beautiful. In this life, at that very instant, she was useless, empty, and she felt small. Tom held onto his mother, lips and body trembling...he had seen everything.'

In 1999, the United Nations officially recognised the 25th of November as the Elimination of Violence Against Women Day. That's two weeks away. In NZ this will be commemorated with the 'White Ribbon Day'. A day when men stand up to support women victims of domestic violence, and to acknowledge that as victims of domestic violence themselves, they too grew up to react in the way that their fathers or abusers had reacted towards women, children or others. In 2011, Bikers took to the streets in a Northern Island ride, and they stopped in Manukau (husband and I attended), men who were once well entrenched into gangs and violence took responsibility for their actions and behaviours and spoke out about violence. They spoke about how they too were victimised as children and how they grew up to become abusers. They spoke of how they sought acceptance from gangs and drugs and alcohol, because they never felt accepted and loved in their own homes.

MEN CHALLENGE

With White Ribbon just around the corner, I challenge all men in our multicultural societies to stand up and say no to violence against women. Women are the generation bearers of society. Men - PLEASE MAN UP! Take the lead and say no to violence, be the hero in your children's eyes. Be the one to break that cycle of violence in your family. Be the one to stop your woman from hurting. It is not courage to hit someone less vulnerable than you. It's cowardice. And it's not alright to abuse someone else, just because you were abused. Nor is it alright to ignore this, when you see or know of someone abusing their loved ones, simply because you too were once abused and you survived. No. It's NEVER alright to abuse anyone, women and or children. It should NEVER be alright.

What can you do? For starters, cut down on the alcohol if it's causing problems between you and your loved ones. Have a safety plan in place, when tempers are flying, 'walk away', go cool off and when you come back, talk things over, calmly. If you are a victim, be brave enough to seek help and call the Police. If you know you're a short fuse like 'the big man', why not think about Anger Management counselling? Talk to someone who has a positive influence on you. A friend at church perhaps, a mate at work, a relative or even a counsellor. Get some help mate. It's never too late to change, but it will be too late for you and your family if you make that mistake.

In this post, I am simply hoping to plant a tiny seed here and there. I'm not a qualified counsellor, nor a psychologist, but I may as well have been one. In my line of work, I have been trained in highly competent trainings and courses of New Zealand Accredited Qualifications. So I damn well know what I'm talking about, when I say get the proper help and support in place, and things may well change! I am a believer of rehabilitation. It doesn't happen overnight, but you have to start somewhere to get to your ultimate goal. With the right attitude, pro-social supports from families and friends, and enough motivation - YOU can do it!

So with Summer kicking into full gear. Please remember, if you're not a victim, but know of someone in this situation, either a victim or an abuser, please don't turn a blind eye. If you're in an abusive relationship and having trouble managing your emotions, get some help, and lets ALL have a White violence free Summer!


NOTE:
You may find various Programme Providers for Domestic Violence counselling and treatment programmes in all areas throughout NZ. Providers vary by area, so look up who your nearest provider is on google. For Manukau Area, Friendship House in Manukau, and IOSIS Family Solutions in Manurewa are highly effective programmer providers. The Man Alive programme in Henderson, is also an outstanding programme.