What Real Success Isn't!

On Monday evening, I arrived home from work to find my ten year old daughter, slouched on the couch, her head turned towards the seat so that I could not make out her expression. I instantly knew something was wrong because this child of mine, does not express herself inwardly. She’s more of an overdose of extroverts.

Little sniffing sounds came from somewhere between the cushions.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I don’t like my teacher anymore, and I hate that school,” she was crying and she was loud now.

“I don’t want to go back to that school anymore mommy and I don’t want to go to school this week,” she cried even louder.

“Frederick (younger brother), got an invitation for you guys to attend the award ceremony and I didn’t get anything,” our neighbours can hear every word now. “I worked so hard mom,” she was sobbing uncontrollably and my heart was immediately crushed to a thousand pieces.

I rushed to her and took her in my arms.

I took a deep breath and got ready for what I consider to be one of the most crucial tests of my parenting life and my full time job of mother/counsellor/advisor/ friend/role model.

She was looking to me for comfort.
She was looking for reassurance.
She wanted an answer that would make her feel good about the negative feelings she was experiencing at that specific moment.
She wanted to vent and hate the world.
It all sounded far too familiar.

As I held her, a window opened and flashes of scenarios swiped past my eyes.
What I say to my daughter at that moment in time, would determine the type of woman she would become in the future and how she would view and feel about herself.

You see, we live in a world of assessed classifications.

A woman’s beauty is assessed not by her personality and positive traits and inner strengths, but instead often by her weight and skin, or nowadays even by how large her bust and rack comes across. Never mind, whether she is someone who is unafraid to speak her mind and speak the truth. Never mind if she is someone who is kind, sincere, works hard, honest, fun, full of life, has a remarkable sense of humour and positive attitude.

Intelligence is measured by academic achievements and not of wisdom to know right from wrong, discipline, perseverance, diligence, hard work, effort and sacrifice and ability to rise from failure and try again.

Success is considered by how much is in your bank account, how big your house is, how many public organisations you’re a part of, how many cars you got parked in your massive garage, or how large your network database is, and how many ‘perceived’ powerful and successful friends you have.
Society today does not usually look at success instead, as someone overcoming challenges in life.

A single parent raising children on her own with whatever she has, however little balance in their bank account.
An alcoholic or drug addict overcoming their addictions and living in abstinence.
An autistic child being able to tell one different task from another.
A survivor of horrific sexual abuse.
A woman who managed to free herself from an abusive relationship.
A person with disabilities living a normal life.
Parents working full time jobs around their children’s lives and needs.
Teenage mothers overcoming stigma and everyone’s expectations of her to fail in life, getting an education, a respectable career and making an honest good life for herself.

No. We live in a world that values and glorifies materialism and power, as opposed to good, honest hard earned living.

So I turn my daughter’s head to me and reminded her of all the positive qualities that she possesses. And I am not exaggerating when I write it out here for her.
‘You are one of the most hardworking 10 year olds that I’ve ever come across. She does all of her home works every week. Everything all completed’.
‘You are always prepared for school or for any projects and drives me to the wall with your sometimes over persistent nagging when you want something school related done’.
‘You completed your Masters Degree in Reading, starting from the Certificate Level’. Out of over 60 students who participated, only 15 students received their Master and PHDs and she was one of them. (She started to smile at the memory of that sweet victory).

As I read out all of the different areas she had excelled and achieved in throughout the year, she stopped her sobbing and started thinking. I also made sure that she knew that I and her father and her family thought that because of her kindness, her perseverance, her diligence and hard working nature, we her family, all thought that she was beautiful, intelligent, smart and she was definitely going places.

And she is, just because she did not get an award this year, doesn’t mean that she didn’t work hard, or that she wasn’t smart, or that she didn’t do her best.

On the contrary, she gave it her all. She gave it her best. She was an admirable rival in the race.

But like one Samoan saying goes; “E le mua uma ni va’a”.

This is referring to the longboat races, and the elderly would say at the end of the race, (which is a much anticipated event and raises a lot of excitement amongst the locals) ‘there can only be one winner’.

Yes – there can only be one winner, but the winner has something far more important in common with his/her adversaries.
They all worked hard.
They all fought to be number one.
They fought a good fight.
They rowed day and night practising and increasing their strengths.

Some may have slacked in their diet and were not completely fit.
Some may have been distracted by other things. Others perhaps did not have enough resources and or support to assist them with their trainings, skills development and strategizing. All these different components and more determine which boat will edge out a little ahead of the others. But that doesn’t mean that those left behind are any less capable of becoming number one.

But, sure enough, come the following year, the same teams would be back for another race.

I learned a very important lesson from this part of my journey with my daughter Sa.

As a mother, and a woman, I have had to overcome a lot of challenges (that I do not write about often – aside from my weight troubles) to be where I am today in life.

Sa’s disappointment, has clearly made me review my journey all over again and it has reminded me that in life, I have fallen a lot, but it made me develop resilience, strength, courage and bravery. WE all do.

I may not have a large fancy bank account. I may not own a large fancy house, or have three cars, or own a business, nor do I care to try and be noticed by social climbers for an increased status in society but I am independent and happily satisfied and content with where I am in life.

I have come a long way from teenage pregnancy and stigma where I had sometimes thought of ending my life (from shame and embarrassment). I still completed school and went onto to University preparatory year, where other ‘normal’ girls and boys my age at the time had failed. When all I wanted was to bury myself in bed and never show the world my face ever again. I still went to town and church and socialised with other people. I didn’t give in to urges of selfharm, or drowned myself in alcohol or drugs as I've seen happen too often with others (it's not an easy path to go down afterall), instead I took responsibility for my actions and in return discovered one of 5 of the most beautiful and precious gifts that God has ever blessed me with.

I may have had my fair share of club hopping and fish drinking and pulling all nighters and doing all sorts of crazy things like crashing one of your best friend's parent's car, but it has made me appreciate quiet nights at home now, reading a good book on the weekends, know the difference between good and cheap wine, and to wear flats when I go dancing now, which is rarely. I don't miss it one bit.

I may have had a couple of failed relationships and kissed a few frogs but when it came time to pick a knight, I picked one of the few good ones that women talk about over drinks and say things like, 'why are all the good ones taken?' Yes, he's a keeper. He may not be the richest man in the world, and doesn't like to dress fancy all the time, and drives an SUV but he is faithful, generous, kind, thoughtful of my needs, hard worker, provider for my children and I, respects my space and lets me do whatever the hell I want to do,and supports me in ALL I pursue and did I say faithful? And let's not forget damn good looking too, (the man never fails to get stares from the palagi ladies everywhere we go). Yes, his days of drinking like a fish and clubbing are well over. He's only content to just hang around home with me and the children. You wouldn't find him anywhere else but next to me!

I may not have been school dux or assessed as one of the academics of my time in school, but I damn well passed every examination and every stage of my education, went to university and I am still studying, whilst working in a highly demanding job (full time), raising five children with my husband who works the night shift so we can be present in our children’s lives.

My father may not have been rich in material things but he was with me every single day of my life as a child. He was a present parent. He was there night and day to wipe the tears from my small eyes. To rub a cut on a knee, or put band aid on an open wound. He was there to walk me to school every morning and to church almost every Sunday (that decreased in frequency as I got older). He was there to smack me when I misbehaved. He was there to name my pet pig Sadam after the Iraq president Sadam. He made sure I did not starve a single day, or go without clothes. He made sure all my school fees were paid on time and I had my stationary. He was present. He was no fancy business man and he was not accorded what was and is rightfully owed to him as per his father’s wishes, but he looked beyond that and instead earned only from the sweat of his own back to support his family.

My mother may not have married rich, but she is the BEST mother in the whole wide world. She is, kind, loving, gentle, warm, funny, and she is humility in tangible form. She taught me to love, respect and care for people without social status tags on them. She taught me to forgive people’s inadequacies continuously. She taught me that in forgiving I would find peace. She taught me that life is nothing without God, humility and faith. She really makes me soft, grounded and human.
No this is not about making a point of what I’ve achieved.

On the contrary, it’s more about what I’ve not achieved and don’t have in life – YET it hasn’t in anyway robbed me of what’s important in my journey. I may not have any of those things, but I have far greater riches which I can pass onto my children.

Valuing hard work and being honest to myself.

Teaching my children that success is not about making money and getting rich and keeping up with the Smith’s.

Instead I teach them that there are far greater riches than the dollar sign. Richness in values, strength and confidence in one’s self and skin. I show them by living and breathing it every day, what hard work, honesty, integrity, perseverance and never ever giving up looks like. And that, above all things, they must put more trust in faith and God. We can only assure a society without violence and less social issues by raising children to become adults rich of these traits.

I also realised that all of the hard yards have quietly slipped into my thinking and turned me into a parent who sometimes has unrealistic expectations of their children. Because of my teenage life cut short (of my own poor judgement), I then expected my children to supersede all of my hopes, dreams and aspirations that I had had for myself. All the things that I didn’t get to do, I wanted them to achieve it all and succeed in all. But this I learned, many a times and in many moons ago, to be extremely unfair for the children.

Every child is unique and each have their own strengths, weaknesses, desires and dreams. Not every child will make the prize list, but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to be successful in life.

So if your child did not or is not getting a prize this year (like my other three children), don’t worry too much over it. Don’t let the hype on social media dishearten you.
Instead, console yourself in the knowledge that they have worked hard, and all hard work will be rewarded one way or another. You just have to accept the process that leads you to it.

Real success, is about how you bounce back from a fall.

Alcohol Driving Pains

I am thankful that I have never lost a close relative or any loved ones in a car crash, let alone a car crash with alcohol as a contributing factor. I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like for a mother, or a father, a wife or a husband, or siblings, to wait for their loved ones to return from their travelling destinations, only to get Police officers knocking on their door with news that would turn their worlds upside down for the rest of their lives.

I am, however, not totally immune to alcohol driving related tragedies altogether.

A few years ago, in Samoa, my mother in-law and sister in-law and niece, were driving out to the airport to bring home visiting relatives. It was a well anticipated family gathering. A reunion with overseas based relatives whom you’ve been distanced from for years is a festive occasion, always filled with excitement and joy of coming together again, to share stories of what you’ve missed in each others’ lives, and reminisce on memories of the past.

Sadly for my in-laws, it was not to be the case.

A drunk driver went straight for their car, (at highly accelerated speed levels) at a sharp bend. He was unable to control the vehicle motions under excessive speed and drunkenness.

My mother in-law was in her mid seventies at the time. She suffered severe injuries to her hip and legs. She could not walk for months and because of her age, her pain tolerance levels were low. She needed a cast and a few weeks of hospitalisation. To this day, she still suffers from stabbing pains in her hip and legs and the only thing her aged body can take for treatment is a list of prescribed pain killers and some good old fofo – Samoan massage.

My niece suffered knee and back injuries.

My sister in-law suffered severe jaw injuries and some scars.

The other driver? No injuries – at all. (Lucky for him).

They scraped past death on the ‘skin of their teeth’, on that fatal night.

Perhaps it was my mother in-law’s constant prayers, or my sister in-law’s alert state of mind (from being sober and she was well rested for the drive), or the hand of God himself, that had helped save their lives. I don’t know and I can’t say. But what is clear here is that had that driver been sober, he would have been able to control his vehicle, and most probably would have been more conscious that he was driving at high speed.

I shudder just to imagine what would have happened to us as a family, had they been taken away from us so suddenly, as a result of that night’s horrific events.

My husband would have had a major breakdown for sure.

She is the only other woman who reigns high in his heart. The only other person in his life, whom he can confide his innermost private thoughts and worries. And he knows without a doubt in his mind that she prays for him and his wife and children every single day. The one whom we look to for guidance when we are lost, or when life is too fast, she grounds us and brings life back into perspective, especially where our children are concerned. He would have lost his sister and niece that he holds so dear to him.

Thankfully we didn’t have to live that day.
But unfortunately for other families that we read about or watch on our evening news, they weren’t/aren’t so lucky.

The New Zealand Transport Agency holds statistics that show the number of deaths from road accidents have increased from 215 in 2013; to 245 deaths already recorded as of 28 November 2014 and we are not even through the Christmas rush yet.

Having to constantly familiarise myself with these statistics for work purposes, to be quite frank has made me a paranoid driver at times.

I get particularly paranoid to drive during the weekends, nights and especially during the holidays now. We had to cancel a road trip on Labour Weekend this year, partly because I was literally afraid that our poor old family bus, (Toyota 8 seater) may not hold well against a hard hit crash on the motorway and we would be demolished to crushed metal. I began to methodically explore various scenarios.

1.I might suffer the most if we crashed because I’m in the passenger seat out front, and with my long long legs – they would be crushed (wincing at the thought) bones splintering from my knees, cutting through my skin, and blood splashed everywhere. If I survive they would get amputated and dear me, I don’t think I can handle living in a wheel chair for the rest of my life. Fabricated legs (I don’t mean to sound selfish and inconsiderate) but really, they’re not the most comfortable thing in the world, and I do like to wear knee length dresses a lot. Which let’s face won’t be the most desirable look of the year, really.
2.I might die, my husband and children would survive and he’ll most probably have himself another wife (despite his ongoing admissions to never EVER wanting to marry again should I be the first one to die), who will enjoy having my children as her servants.
3.My husband might die and leave me alone with five children and we would suffer financially – tremendously, because; a) with my salary we won’t qualify for any Housing (because we won’t afford to keep our home anymore) or benefits even as a solo mother, b) I don’t trust insurance companies (like ever, despite having three or more policies that I can attest to) and we may never get his life insurance pay out.
4.We all die, our bodies scattered all over the motorway and they may never find my beautiful head with my beautiful face (too sure – yes, well I’m about to die in these thoughts, so a girl is allowed to have some vain thoughts please) and no one but my poor mother would be there to bury us. (Which reminds me, I need to find mom some secure legal guardians, should something happen to me – because I’m her only child).
5.The worse one – that haunts me night and day, is that we survive and one of our children should be lost to such an accident – I would rather die a thousand deaths than to endure the unimaginable pain of the death of any of my children. I’ve survived a lot of horrifying battles in my life – but that – I know, I will never be able to survive – so I constantly thank God, each day, for the things that I sometimes take for granted – like all of us, getting home safe and sound from work and school each day.

So what can you and I do as members of society to help reduce road fatalities resulting in deaths from alcohol related driving and keep paranoid woman drivers like me sane?

Hence with the alcohol driving limit dropping from 400mcg levels of alcohol breath to 250mcg as of tomorrow 1 December 2014, I felt compelled to write a gentle reminder, to caution all drivers – do not take chances and risks with your life and that of others. It is far too precious and life is far too short to gamble away with poor attitudes towards alcohol driving, which is a calculated risk and can be easily avoided.

Lower alcohol limit for adult drivers 20 years and over
From Monday 1 December 2014, the alcohol limit for drivers aged 20 years and over will be lowered.

This change means that drivers aged 20 years and over must not drive if:
•the amount of alcohol in their breath is more than 250 micrograms of alcohol per litre of breath.
•the amount of alcohol in their blood is more than 50 milligrams of alcohol per 100 millilitres of blood

For drivers under the age of 20 years, the limit remains at zero.

Drivers who are over 400 micrograms of alcohol per litre of breath, or 80mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood, will continue to face criminal sanctions as is currently the case.

Drivers who fail an evidential breath test between 251 and 400 micrograms of alcohol per litre of breath will receive an infringement notice with a $200 infringement fee and 50 demerit points. Drivers in this range will not be able to elect an evidential blood test.
Drivers who accumulate 100 or more demerit points from driving offences within two years will receive a three month driver licence suspension. An infringement offence will not result in the driver receiving a criminal conviction. (Taken from the NZ Transport Agency Website).

I can hear a voice, saying “speak English to me”.

Okay so basically if:

•You’re 20 years old and over the new alcohol driving breath limit for you drops from 400mcg of alcohol per litre of breath to 250mcg.
•You’re below 20 years old – there’s no driving for you if you’ve had an alcoholic beverage buddy.
•If you’re in the 20 years old and above category and you’re caught with a breath alcohol level of over 250mcg but not more than 400mcg – you get an infringement notice, a $200 infringement fee and 50 demerit points off your Driver’s License. This will not result in receiving a Criminal Conviction.
•Driver’s who get reading levels over 400mcg will continue to face criminal sanctions – as per current system.
•If you accumulate 100 or more demerit points within two years, you will get a three month driver licence suspension.

Tips to prevent getting yourself through any of these avoidable situations and assist with saving lives:

•Many of us know that it only takes about three to five 8% alcoholic drinks to go over the 400mcg limit – so do the math, depending on various factors, which include sleep deprivation and food intake, it may only take one or two bottles of 8% might just get you over 250mcg. There’s no solid way to measure these things – so the best thing to do; is to just stay well clear away from the wheel when and if you are planning to have a night out with friends, or just having a couple at a bar on your way home from work, or just having a few at after work functions before heading home. Don’t risk it!
•We’ve all heard this before – and I can’t stress it enough – sort out a sober driver!
•If you’re having a night out with friends, share the cab fee and enjoy your night without having to play rocks and scissors over who’s going to drive.
•If you’re under 20 – I really shouldn’t be saying – “should you really be drinking?” (because I’ve had my share of teenage magic drinks merriness). But I can surely say – think long and hard about the possibility that you could put your young life and others into jeopardy by getting behind a wheel, and you do not want a Criminal History at a young age. Trust me – it creates so much hassle for you when your life is about to start – it affects things like finding a job (because ; a) most jobs require that you have a solid transport mode, b) most jobs prefer to employ non-criminals – simple.
•If you don’t have a valid Driver’s License – it probably means that you either; a) Do not qualify to drive on the roads because you did not pass the driving test, thereby meaning that you driving is a potential hazard for all other members of the public on the road; b) It is illegal for you to be driving and should not be driving at all; c) your vehicle may get impounded; d) you will receive a fine that you most probably can’t afford to pay and e) that your vehicle is most probably not fit to be on the road or it isn’t your car to begin with and the owner of that vehicle will be paying for your poor judgement.
•If you want to have a few, just stay home and enjoy it in the comfort of your own house, responsibly.
•If you see your friends and relatives driving under the influence, ‘Be a legend’ and stop them from driving – invite them to sleep at your place till morning, arrange a sober driver for them, put them in a cab, or sit them down and have a heart to heart. If you truly care for them, give them some tough love!

For more information on Driver’s Licenses, Alcohol Limits etc – visit the NZTA website there’s tons of helpful information there and statistics showing the rapid increase in death tolls from road crashes alone.

Remember – ‘Be a Legend’ and stop a mate/loved one from driving if they’re under the influence.

You may not see it – but you could actually be saving a lot of lives from a lot of pain and suffering.