Scarlet Lies - A spellbinding delight!

Just as alluring as its main character, this piece of fiction has had me captivated right from the first page. I must admit, I am not much of a ‘chick flick’ book reader.

Don’t get me wrong, I love watching movies from those wonderful books, and I'm a big sucker for romance, but I could never have the stamina to read through the books, it just seemed like an overload of Almond Magnum chocolates at times, too much sweetness and too much smoothness all in one place, can be, mind numbing.

Especially when you're a mother of five like me, and have crap short term and long term memory, because your brain has constructed various boxes instead, to categorise information and memories in your head, simultaneously, (or what I trick my brain to believe to be mutlitaksing), and whilst you try and read a newspaper, or a newsletter or romantic novel, your brain keeps interrupting your reading with reminders of things that you haven't done that you need to do, like have you called the 'Garage door man' to fix the garage door, or have you rang child number two's school to check on his school work progress, or have you finished those reports due in Court on Friday, and have you bought dinner etc. etc. etc.

Yes, when you have that type of brain, it is very hard for a book of romance to gauge your attention and then hold it for half an hour to atleast get to know the characters and what it's all about.

I am more of a John Grisham and James Patterson kinda gal! Solving horrific crimes and murder mysteries, with a twist of romance in it now and then,a bit of scandalous relations here and there, is more my flow. For example, my current obsessions on Television are, Scandal, Revenge, How to get away with Murder and State of Affairs. The world of solving Crime mixed with Pleasure always has my undivided attention like no other! It's a mystery to me!

But, like she did with her Telesa Series, Lani Wendt Young, has gone and convert me all over again!

I loved Scarlet right from the very first time I was introduced to her. I love that she has big thigh problems like me, and loves to eat, read, write and is very much of a rebel where family history lies. I love her struggles with spandex, shoes, and her ignorance of her beauty, which not only starts from inside, but also pours out onto her physical appearance.

The tone of humour used in portraying deep traditional family troubles and history, culture and mindsets of old Samoa vs contemporary Samoa, set by Young in this book, is nothing short of the many realities that any family experiences and as a reader, I could relate to so many different aspects set in the book. It had me nodding with every sentence! Yup.

What else do I love? (Trying really hard not to get you sick with too much almond chocolate magnums here).
How often do you read about a fiction, set in current day Samoa, with scenes at the local Apia town, hotels, restaurants, clubs and shops?

Oh and lets not forget the traditional Samoan delicacies and scrumptious rich cuisines and the exotic tropical flowers.

You can almost taste and smell the scents infilterating the senses and you actually experience salivating at various scenes with pagi popo and charcoal bbqs on the beach. (I usually have to get up and drink a glass of water during those scenes to stop myself from wanting to eat). That's how effective Young's words can be.

I love her use of rich vocabulary; this writer will have ten or more words or terms to describe a scene, feelings, an atmosphere, the sunshine and white sandy beaches, the lushious greenery of Samoa. It actually captures traditional and cultural views that can be good and damaging at the same time. I want to add this book to my list of great innovative unforgettable ways to market Samoa to the world. If I had never been to Samoa and my first knowledge of her, would be from this book - I would definitely be working towards a vacation.

I love the book's honest raw take on Scarlet's relationship with her younger sister Naomi. I am an only child, but I know from my cousins and friends, that sometimes, we don't always think our siblings are the best of people.
Scarlet struggles with her 'love hate' relationship with her sister. But as the story continues we learn the reality of sibling love. That - blood is indeed deeper than any struggle we have with each other.

I love that Scarlet has a leading delicious man who appears to be under the spell of her mysterious beauty. AND yes ladies, he is a Gawd! Chisseled top form, bounds of muscle and taut flesh, accessorized with great eyes, hair and slap of gentlemanly honour for the ladies! He's the man we (I) dreamt of before I got married! But the question is; will Scarlet let her haunting past, come between them?

I'll leave the rest for you to find out!

All I know is - I'm buying the second book ALREADY!

Congratulations Lani Wendt Young - you make me believe that my own stories can come to life too.

Blessings.

Xxx

A Malu in the Asian Development Bank!

On any given day, around what I would imagine to be a sophisticated conference room made of soundproof glass, long hardwood tables, and state of the art ergonomic spinning chairs, filled with equally smart looking men and women, in their immaculate suits and ties, you will find a beautiful woman, with fair skin, straight hair and beautifully shaped dark brown eyes.

At first, you could be forgiven if you mistook her for being an Asian, as her features would lead you to believe that she could be of the same ethnicity as most of her colleagues, after all, this would be the headquarters of the Asian Development Bank (ADB) in Manila Phillipines, - a multilateral financial institution that lends and give grants mainly to the governments of the Asian and Pacific regions. But lucky for you, on any given day in that conference room, she would most probably be wearing a smart knee length skirt with a colourful top, or a classy knee length flowery dress, and you would see a line of black dots circling around her knees like a crown, and if she turned her back to you, you would most likely be treated to see the Malu motifs on the back of her knees, on the sensitive area just above her calves. Maria Melei Tagiilima is a Country Specialist for the Pacific Department of ADB. She looks after ADB’s program of assistance to the Marshall Islands and Palau, a similar role she had with Tonga, Cook Islands, Kiribati, and even Samoa at one stage, while working for over 7 years with the ADB office in Suva, Fiji.

I approached her earlier this week to share with me her experience in getting her malu as I became inspired to complete an article which would serve as a resource or guide for other women who are contemplating venturing into the exotic yet highly dangerous (and from what I've heard so far) excruciatingly painful process of getting the malu.

However, before we continue, I just want to highlight some points for our possible non-Samoan audience (or even not so knowledgeable Samoan brothers and sisters trying to understand more) about what a malu is all about.

What is a Malu?
Without going too much into the origins and traditional history of the malu in this article (as more is to follow after this post), today we look at the malu as the traditional tattoo for Samoan women which signifies heritage, independence, strength, courage and identity and so much more, all different and unique to its bearer.
It runs from the start of the woman's thighs reaching all the way down below the knees. It is traditionally used to signify the rank of a Taupou or a Paramount Chief's daughter in the village. A young woman of important rank in the traditional village ranking system, who would do the siva/taualuga or traditional dance for grand village events. Today, centuries later, as with many other constantly changing aspects of the Samoan culture, who and why women are getting the malu done has changed too. Today as I've learned through my researched interviews with over 20 remarkable women who have survived the cutting pain of the au (the traditional instruments from sharks' teeth or boars' teeth in some instances, used to penetrate the skin and drive the ink inside permanently),each woman has her own reasons for getting her malu, and because Samoan population has multiplied significantly, and the matai system has seen a spike in titled men and women, the genealogical pool of eligible women have also therefore increased tremendously, which can explain the argument around the resurgence of the malu in the past decade - which some say have devalued the meaning of the art and what it stands to represent in Samoan culture.

Why do Samoans and Polynesians in general take the associated risks of death from infection or AIDS to venture into the traditional art of Tatauing, where a lot of blood is spilled and a lot of pain is imposed on the body?
I love Albert Wendt's take on this question:
'Tatauing is part of everything else that is the people, the aiga, the village, the community, the environment, the atua, the cosmos. It is a way of life that relates the tufuga ta tatau to the person being tataued and their community and history and beliefs to do with service, courage, masculinity, femininity, gender, identity, sexuality, beauty, symmetry, balance, aptness, and other art forms and the future because a tatau or a malu is for the rest of your life and when you die your children will inherit its reputation and stories, your stories, stories about you and your relationships. The tatau and the malu are not just beautiful decoration, they are scripts/texts/testimonies to do with relationships, order, form and so on. And when they were threatened with extinction by colonialism, Samoa was one of the few places where tatauing refused to die. Tatau became defiant texts/scripts of nationalism and identity. Much of the indigenous was never colonised, tamed or erased. And much that we now consider indigenous and post-colonial are colonial constructs (eg the Church)'. That ladies and gentlemen is the deeper truth below the skin.

Anyhow, leaving our history lesson behind and going back to our spectacular subject matter at hand.

The Seed
Maria is a graduate of the Victoria University of Wellington New Zealand (BCA) and later the University of the South Pacific USP Suva, Fiji (MBA and Gold Medal Award Winner). She shares her home in Manila with her husband of nearly 10 years,Viane Tagiilima and their eight year old son Heni.
Viane(who is also a graduate of USP, (BA & MBA) has a background in Finance and Economics) has done well for himself. He headed the Budget Division of the Ministry of Finance in Samoa prior to becoming Director of Finance of the Pacific Theological College in Fiji, when he moved there to join Maria and their son. He was her pillar of strength for both her malu and in her life. "He has sacrificed his own career for mine and for our son, and for that I am grateful," she said. Viane was the first person she approached when the seed started inkling in her mind. For Maria, it was at first a desire to carry on what had become a family tradition, with an aunt already clothed in the traditional sacred art back in 2008. From then on she was itching for the skin tearing pain, but the time was either never right, or she could never find a soa or partner willing to share the process with her, as part of a traditionally required protocol in order to commence the tattooing ceremony. She asked some friends whom she knew were keen, but they too had time in their way. Some had already completed their malus and so the blaze fuzzed out a little.

Patriotic and proud are words that correctly define this woman's link to her identity and Samoaness (for lack of a better word).

Whenever there's a rugby tournament anywhere around the world with Samoa or any Pacific Island country participating, you can be sure to hear from Maria on her Facebook page. When there's a Samoan or Pacific Islander visiting Manila, you can be sure to see pictures of a kava session, led by prayers and a feast gathering of Samoans and Pacific Islanders in her home. She truly lives and breathes her culture this way. So it almost sounds like fate chose the right timing for her.
In 2012, when Samoa celebrated her 50th Independence, she travelled to Apia, to join a childhood friend Makelita Lealaitafea-Aiono who had also shared with her the same desire to get the malu – this was their way to mark such an auspicious occasion for Samoa. As it happened, Mrs Aiono's husband was related to the Su'a Peter Su'a tufuga. Both ladies were charged a discounted price of $1,000 tala each from the usual $1,500 tala. The day was finally upon them both.

Thee DAY
On the Day, only a few of her friends in Samoa and Fiji knew that she would be getting her malu done. She still went to attend the Independence celebrations at Mulinu'u earlier in the week, with the hopes to take the looming ceremony off her mind.
She had already gained the blessings of her grandmother who had offered to pay for her malu and she was assured she would be praying for her all day. Her husband was with her every second of that day.
"Although I have only been blessed with one child, I had Heni naturally and I always say that I cannot imagine any pain more so than that a woman experiences when giving birth. I also cannot imagine anything more joyous than when you hear his first cry and when this bundle of joy (and responsibility) is placed in your arms for the first time. That was my mindset when I decided to do this (malu),I could overcome the pain for 4 hours (I was in labor for over 12 hours so no sweat) because I knew the great feeling that would come after … and it was that. "For me, the pain kind of numbed after the first half hour or so. The most painful part was the bone of your knee, but since that was the final part as well, it signified you are coming to the end so it was tolerable. I also think that being an accident-prone kid (was always breaking something one way or the other), my level of pain tolerance had built up over the years".

She also found ways to be occupied and distract herself from the pain. What will a girl ever do without facebook?
"I thanked God for inventing FB (facebook) and internet which kept me occupied lol! I had my phone with me the whole time, so I finally had the courage to text La’i (a close friend) in Fiji to let her know. I also needed to be brave and not show sign of being teary at all. We had so many visitors dropping by … Fr Mika … some of my kids from Fiji (Samoan students who attended the University of the South Pacific in Suva, Fiji whilst she lived there, that she and her husband took under their wings whilst they were based in Fiji), it would have been so embarrassing to cry like a baby infront of them".
Their malu ceremony was extra special in the sense that it was part of the Tatau Convention, as part of the 50th Independence celebrations. It was held at a small faleo'o behind the Samoa Tourism Authority Fale in Apia, and the whole process was not only witnessed by visiting friends who dropped in to encourage them on, but also by curious tourists and random members of the public".
Maggie had brought prescribed creams with her recommended by her doctor, to assist with numbing the pain, but both women opted not to use it, nor did they take any panadols or antibiotics - they both wanted to have the process as authentic as possible.

"Su’a and his team were amazing, to sit for 8 hours (for both Maggie and I) and do what they do, its truly a God-given talent. I heard during the course of the day from some of the older members of the Tatau Samoa Association how it was in the old days, the traditional tools used, how it took longer than now, and how it was sometimes not safe hygienically. Su’a and his team made sure all their tools were disinfected before use … soaked in hot water while the smell of detol permeated in the fale. The cloth used to wipe the blood after every tap was also disinfected. Although the process was still traditional, cleanliness was first and foremost so I had no worries of contacting an infection.

Some funny moments were had as well along the way:
'The funniest moment… Maggie and I had decided to have the same design … however, as I was nearing the end of my first leg, Su’a realized that my taro legs were bigger than Maggie’s, hence, they needed to add an extra line of design lol! Awkward moment when Su’a commented … lelei kele le kalo I Fiki fai lava si lapopoa o gai ogavae ia (lol)'.

"Once completed, I went to the tap just outside the fale samoa and my friend Tara showed Viane the process of soaping and massaging to squeeze out the residual ink as much as possible, a process to be repeated at home every 2 hours. It was also traditional to sleep on a mat … I did this the first night but went back to the comfort of my mattress in subsequent nights lol! Viane was great in soaping and massaging my legs to squeeze out the residual ink at home, by the next day, much of it was gone. I rested the whole day and stayed out of the sun. Samoa was so hot so I went to our office in Apia and took advantage of the air con. That night, we joined the final celebration for the Tatau convention at Manumea Hotel. I stayed away from the alcohol but danced the night away in celebration.
We travelled back to Fiji that weekend, by then, the bruising had gone down and was all gone by the following week. There was certainly very minimum pain after and I was able to walk around quite well. I must admit I had it easier than others from stories I hear".

Identity Affirmation:

'I always admire ladies wearing the malu, in my mind, it was the ultimate expression of my identity as a tamaita'i Samoa. I always heard that for the men, it’s a sign of courage and great bravery. I can totally understand that if you have to endure one or two weeks of pain to get it (malofie - the male's tatau or tattoo) it is the ultimate victory. A lot of people have commented to me that I am so brave to have gone through it, but for me, the fact that I was ‘brave’ was only secondary (or maybe not a consideration at all). It was really an affirmation of my identity as a Samoan. Having lived outside Samoa for over 10 years now (plus the 8 years I was in NZ for schooling), I never feared that I would ever lose touch with my culture. I felt that it made me more patriotic actually as I am forever promoting Samoa to all my friends and colleagues, which drives a lot of them crazy sometimes (lol!!!). So getting a malu was part of that patriotism. It is also why I don’t shy away from showing it as it does attract people to ask me about it, and it gives me the opportunity to do my spiel on the most beautiful country in the world' - Maria Melei Tagiilima.

What are your thoughts around the ongoing debate about how a malu should be worn?

'I wear my malu with pride. You asked about the ongoing debate that a malu should be ‘ufiufi’ unless the proper occasion arises -whether it’s right or wrong, people are entitled to their opinions; however, for me, the decision to ‘showcase’ it in my normal life is a personal decision. I did not change the way I dress after I got it (apart from not wearing short shorts anymore which was timely as well as I got older (lol)! I still wear shorts, skirts and dresses up to my knees, as before. I wear puletasis when the occasion calls for it. My old rules about dressing remain, no pants to church and when I am on mission for work to any of the island countries I work in (even though it’s the norm in Cooks and some of the North Pacific countries), I always wear a lavalava when I go to the faifeaus place, or to church for anything, around the house when we have malos, etc, again these are the norms of the life I was brought up in, they did not change when I got my malu. I truly believe though that it is a personal decision on how you ‘wear’ it. Working in such a multicultural organization like ADB, Samoa is literally a dot on the map for a lot of people. People in Manila have no idea where the Pacific is, let alone our small Samoa. My ‘malu’ in a way is my way of telling people to sit up and take note … it also helps distinguish me from the many Asians that I work with here,'.

Final Words:
'I think you will find everyone’s story will be different. I am looking forward to reading your blog. I see a lot of debate about the malu. I stay away from it because I truly believe at the end of the day, it is something personal. I think we are so privileged to have such a tradition that we can opt to partake in. I do agree with some thoughts that it’s become a trend, an accessory for some. I believe in ‘showcasing’ your malu, but do not like the way it’s been done by others but then that’s their personal take. I truly believe the malu and the tatau belongs to the Samoan people and much as I admire non-Samoans wanting to get it, I think that its true meaning is lost if you do not have that affinity with the land, the culture, the people. I have no problem with people getting a sleeve, a taulima, a tauvae, most of which are done by machines anyways. But the tatau and the malu are sacred to Samoa, and dare I say it, should only be worn by its people'.

'I wear my malu proudly, as it says I am a proud Samoan. O au o le tamaita'i Samoa. I wear it in honor of a country I proudly call home, in honor of my strong forefathers, both men and women, in honor of my grandmother who taught me to be me and no matter where I am in the world, to carry myself proudly and never forget where I am from'.

Maria’s story is the first of a series of stories (that I will be featuring on my blog over the next coming days, weeks and months) from different women with different backgrounds and all different personalities sharing their stories of their malu. An experience that is very personal and sacred for many.

This initiative I designed with the idea of putting as much documented resources out there to assist anyone wishing to learn more about the malu, and as a resource or guide, motivation even, for those who are contemplating the malu’s journey. Women – you will no longer be alone!

I thank Maria for her courage in sharing her story with myself and the rest of the world. This blog is about My Journey – which is made up of a lot of different stories and I am privileged to share her story and the stories of all the other equally wonderful and courageous women that you will read about in this Forum.

Fa’afetai.

That Virtuous Whore and Reflections

It seems I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

It's a new year, what's the next challenge at work?, where do I want to be in my life a this point?, who do I want to distance myself from and why?, Who do I need to make more meaningful connections with and why?, how can I make more money? (be honest, you've thought about it), how can I get the children to improve on their weaknesses and capitalise on their strengths more?, how else do I motivate my husband to go to church (other than issuing ultimatums with no consequences), will I be able to take that dream trip this year?...

The list goes on, and on, and on...

A new year is always like the morning dew. Fresh and cool moist tear drops of newfound hope caressing tired dry leaves from the heat of the day before. It's a time when we are once again revived with new hope for better things to come, improvement, development, redemption, success.

It brings the promise of new beginnings. The rare moments in our journey, where we feel we have a second chance at life.

For many years growing up, I heard my elders talk of New Year Resolutions. Then I started to read about it, in newspapers, my mother's magazines, books and heard of it in movies, even in music.
So naturally I adopted the concept to my own life. At the beginning of a New Year I would think up resolutions for myself.

Lose weight - When I was younger, I was very conscious of my weight, but it didn't stop me from loving my food.
Look beautiful - because at your teen years back then, that is quite high up on your list.
Meet the boy of my dreams who lived in a far away exotic country - he would somewhat find the dot of Samoa on the map and discovered me through a crystal online ball (technology that was not yet invented at the time) and he would cross the oceans and the seas to seek me out and ask my father for my hand in marriage. (As you can see, that one was very much the doing of my wild imagination).
Be more obdient to my parents - What can I say, I was an only child and my father was a simple man, who's priorities in life, were ensuring I was happy, beer, family and food.
Less talking back to my mother - again, blame the OCS (Only Child Syndrome)
Improve my grades - boy it seemed like I was going no where back in those days.
Help the needy, poor, sick and old more - I didn't earn an income at the time so I would either snuck (stole) food from my family store and gave it to someone who needed it, or begged my mother to do something about it - so technically that wasn't really helping the moral box.

All this was trully well an made with genuine honest intentions. But did it really add much value to my life at that time?

Sometimes we are too busy with making lists of what we want to do, that we overlook the vital lessons in reflecting on what we didn't do, which led us to fall in the first place.

Last year 2014 was a life changing year for me and it changed my whole family's life as well.
Surgery, weightloss, new roles at work, new place of employment, opportunities, second child off to boarding school and college, relocated our residence, new friends and acquaintances, I started to be a bit more active with blogging,started writing poetry and adding chapters to my book again (it's been over a decade since I last wrote poetry and fiction) distance learning at Un... those are just some of the changes that happened in my life.

What that did to me as person, is beyond me.

My Faith in God and my church was revived, because he saw me through so many challenges that it was impossible to credit that to my own doing alone. Confidence came back to me as sure as the pounds were peeling off my body. Confidence in my own skin, confidence to have conviction over my thoughts, opinions, preferences, beliefs and values, confidence that I was enough, and if people did not appreciate that, then I was/am better off without them. Depression became more manageable and sometimes forgotten completely.
Contentment with my life and my family fulfilled and overflowing. Best of all, I trully stopped caring what others thought of me, or thought of how and what I should be - instead I just listen to ME.

Too often, whether we realise it or not, we live our lives according to the perceptions of others and society.
Perceptions of people whom one - do not contribute one cent to your livelihood, second - only always want to see you fail, third - expect you to be the epitome of virtue whilst they have their own double standards and thirdly - no matter what you do, they will always find faults in every damn thing you do.

Perception. Is really a virtuous whore with varied preferences, expectations, no payment, just a moral indignation!

I like to go out a lot with my girl friends, who are either single, separated or divorced, alone without my husband. Because when you've been married 12 years and have 5 children, and work full time in a stressful job, you need serious wine and girl time - alone! I (being the all fiercely independt minded person that I am) finds this perfectly normal. Until it was pointed out to me that this may not look good for me. A married woman should never go out alone by herself! REALLY? By what book on earth says that this is wrong?

First - whoever thinks this is wrong is not paying for my wine, and has no sympathetic ear to hear my troubles
Second - unless it was Patrick Dempsey or Brad Pitt, there is no way in hell that I would be out at night alone with the sole intention of eyeing up every bloody damned man on the street - unless I was completely demented or too drunk to walk - both of which have yet to happen.
Thirdly - I am absolutely lucky to have a husband who is understanding and tolerant of my girl "ME" times, until someone tries to poison his head with their idiotic presumtions.

What about the misguided notions that if you post on face book images of a luxurious lifestyle of fine dinning and alcoholic drinking,posting about your mortgaged home (which btw still belongs to the bank), your latest car, mixing with the 'in' crowd, travelling everywhere - then you are rich, better than everyone else and fabulous.
And my favourite, saving the world in never ending charity, going to church everyday,doing all sorts of things righteous, virtuous and good; then that makes you the epitome of Mother Theresa incarnated - but behind closed doors are you really any of those tings?

I'm not saying all of that is bad, (except for the drugs bit,I'm quite set on drugs - I do not tolerate it full stop).
Hell no. If you've earned it, by all means share it or not - it's your choice and it's nobody's business. I've done my share of posting similar posts. WE have all been guilty of a bit of gloating and unsolicited bragging. I dare you to have the guts to admit it.

It's the fact that folks then turn around and judge each other for different reasons and agendas and preferences, for things that they too have done, but just in a different context as a result of all our efforts to express ourselves, that's created a lot of trouble for many.

When it comes to perception, you can NEVER do anything right!

What makes us think that we can criticise a married woman for going out alone at night with her friends, without her husband yet we can have sexual affairs with everybody elses' husbands as long as no one knows about it, or we don't even pay attention to our own husbands at home, or we also do the same with our friends (but we do it during the day)?
What makes us think that we have the right to proclaim to be the epitome of righteousness and humility when yet we drink alcohol like a fish, take drugs occassionally, prefer the company of important people and most probably beat up our children?
What makes us feel that we are entitled to be a higher class of citizens from others, just because we have a mortgage, a fancy desk job, own a successful business, drive a fancy car, do not live in South Auckland and have friends in high places?
What makes us believe that because we live in West Auckland we are better off than those living in South Auckland, never mind the fact that most people in South Auckland are working hard in factories and basic jobs to pay off your benefit and your Housing Porperty?
What gives us the right to judge other people's children and to question their legitimacy, when yet, our own were married off pregnant, or we too conceived our children before marriage, or we have childre with other people while we're married, or we have children that other people raise because we couldn't handle the repercussions of having children with MIA biological fathers?
What in the name of Heaven makes us think that because we go to church daily, then we are more holy and righteous compared to the average Christian?

Or lets look at some widely circulated media upsets of the past year.
Teuila Blakely being taped conducting oral sex to a man (consensual) her prime in a car, whilst she was filmed by him, either with her consent or unknowingly.
Oh how quick our Samoan women jumped on the condemning bandwagon. The repercussions for the Samoan actress in mainstream media and New Zealand communities was cutting, but that was nothing compared to what the Samoan communities thought of her sexual preferences.
She was called many things including whore and you know what 'sucking' whore. Just go and die. If that's what you're use to, that's not what we do. The list is endless and more severe.

Yet if were to take notes and complete a proper analysis, a lot of the vocal people/women who were laying the cross and gathering wood for the condemnation fire for Ms Blakely - without a doubt have all sucked something similar or worse (don't forget the wireless coconut communication goes far), in different circumstances and situations but same context - that is to have sex with a man. The only difference is, Ms Blakely's moment was spilled all over social media.

That was her real crime.

It wasn't the sucking incident. It was the fact that it was all over social media and we should dare not admit to the world that Samoan women actually know how to suck such things! No. Samoan women are the epitome of virtue and righteousness! That's more pretentious I say.

Let's have a look into the matai setting.
Recently women have been awarded the priviledge and right to be bestowed with matai chiefly titles in their aiga. Unfortunately, as we have discovered,it's not been always smooth sailing for titled women.
It is often the very people who selected us to take up titles who fail to acknowledge our new status in the aiga.
Women are good enough to contribute money for their matai titles, and contribute to family fa'alavelaves and ensure everyone that comes your way is looked after, but when the family is sitting in a fono, they expect the men to talk and for you to go into the kitchen (which is fine because matai is servitude) or they don't even acknowledge your title at all. Not that you want to be acknowledged, but it's the principle of it. It's the pretentious morals that bother you. We are not stupid to just fork out money for their needs, and yet they refuse to acknowledge the status that they chose to bestow to us in the first place? Even more disappointing is that sometimes, it is mostly the women leaders in our families who do teach the men to do treat women matais this way. Pretenses.


Perception is also...
When someone is rather heavy and eating too much they're overweight.
When someone is too skinny and exercising daily - they're too thin and not eating enough, or being too vain.
When someone is looking well and enjoying being in their own skin - they're too vain.
When someone is taking photos with men/women other than their wife/husband - they're probably having affairs.
When someone speaks their mind and unafraid to stand by their beliefs - they're conceited, overly confident and high minded.
When someone wants to acknowledge their family history, their geaneology and roots - they're being a show off.
When someone is writing too much about their strong opinions - they're fia poko.

You see what I mean, 'perception' is a virtuous whore!

Reflection on the other hand is our reality check.
We all need to sit down and reflect on our values, beliefs, actions and thoughts from time to time.
What is the intention behind our actions, are we doing it for the right reason, or are we just another crowd pleaser?
Do we have the right to judge someone else?
Should we judge too quickly, or should we perhaps look at facts first?

Reflections - looking at the past, separatng pros from cons, and then we get back up and try again.

This year I reflect that I want to be better at:
More attentative to others (we can never do this enough).
Really truly, not give a damn about what people think, especially people who do not contribute to my well being at all
Listening and connecting with others
Being happy about myself and where I am in life
Doing more for my children, I think at present we have a crazy schedule, but one can never do enough where children are concerned
Doing more for anyone who needs my help
Work on my marriage and relationships (we all do - if we were not so proud to admit it)
Eat a bit of chocolate from time to time
Treat my body to wellness and wellbeing all year
More pedicures and massages
Connect and reseach more of my Grandfather's German family
Write more, read more, dance more, less alcohol, lots of music
Work progress
Saving money (I'm bad with spending)
Learning more about my culture
Judge people less

More importantly, I reflect that I need to cut down my social media use not because it's wrong to tell my 150plus active friends on fb (out of 2,000 something)what I'm doing, but because when we're hooked on our phones and computers 80% of the time daily, that means we miss out on a lot of connections and miracles happening all around us.

We miss the morning dew, or the sun flowers spreading herslef open to the sun's rays, the smell of food from your neighbour's home, or that the old lady next door may need someone to talk to, or that your teen age daughter appears a little reserved today, or your mother wants to change churches out of nowhere and you can't make sense of it, or your husband needs more pampering, and your wife just needs you to understand her. Basically, you miss out on the real world!

So this year, if you've made some sort of resolution list - try adding, less judging and more reflections to it!

It may damn well be the best advise you have ever received - free of charge ofcourse!

Prejudices and Crime

Today marks my five year anniversary working within the Department of Corrections, Probation and Psychological Services CPPS, one of the three sister government departments, made up of the Ministry of Justice and the New Zealand Police.

It feels more like 10 years.

And the day that I decided to leave the comfort of my couch to step out into the New Zealand public service workforce seems so long ago.

We had only been living in New Zealand for just under a year. We had a three year old and a four year old in pre-school and three young ones in Primary school.
The temptation to stay home and become a full time mother was very strong. Especially coming from eight years of journalism in Samoa (which also included four years of free lancing to CBS TV in America), a year in Parliament as Sub-Editor for Hansard Records (Parliamentary Debates and Legislation translations), a few months as Executive Media and Public Relations Manager for the Samoa Football Soccer Federation, whilst completing two years into a Law Degree via correspondence. Yes. I had just come from a very full on life. So the urge to stay home, and emerse myself into the life of a full time housewife and mother was a very welcomed delicious treat indeed.

But as much as I wanted to give myself a break and commit all of my time and energy to my children and my family, I knew that it would only take a few more months before I would hit the brakes. And hard too.

When you've had a passion for justice, empowering the helpless, contributing to a peaceful society and world, and giving voice to the voiceless, since you were just an eight year old (or so), it just doesn't go away.

It always manages to find its way back to you, one way or the other.

Whether it was in the form of the 6pm news highlighting a horrific crime, or a visit to the local social wellfare office where you find yourself sitting amongst hundreds of people all struggling to find employment, make ends meet, or even clearly abusing the system, or it was in a simple encounter with your child's school teacher over a case of bullying where your son or daughter was the victim, or reading of the social struggles of society versus government policies and politics. The passion for righting wrong in my daily environment, my immediate communities, and general society, would always find me.

I remember thinking that I could go back to journalism. The only problem was, I no longer found satisfaction there. I had completed four years in a daily newspaper, then a weekly paper, prior to going into television and radio for another four years. In small Samoa, with a vibrant but small media industry, there was very little room for anything else to move towards and that had me anxious. I am/was always seeking a challenge in everything I pursue in life. It can be my strength and enemy at the same time. Enemy in the sense, that the life span of my ability to focus on a specific area or field or project, is limited to a maximum of four years. So five years with Probation is quite an achievement for me.

It was a cold, windy, gloomy night.
The night when I was told to attend an information evening run by the Department as part of its recruitment for Probation Officers.

We had no baby sitters and very few family members who would be crazy enough to look after five bouncing children in a few hours.

So my husband took the night off from work (night shift) to drive me to the Otahuhu Service Centre for the event. We packed all the children into our seven seater and off we went. I went inside, while they drove around the block to keep the children occupied as they waited for me.

It was a packed room. I took a seat in the back, but was careful to make sure it wasn't too far back so the speakers would notice me. I took a moment to observe my surroundings. There were men and women of all ages and of all ethnicities. All dressed smart in their suits, shirts and pants. I felt so dully ordinary sitting next to the women especially. The speakers started to talk about what the role of a Probation Officer was all about. Management of community based sentences, completing pre-sentence reports outlining assessed sentencing recommendations for offenders to the Judges, assessing risks and likelihood of reoffending to ensure the safety of the general community at large, working with people to try and effect positive outcomes and motivation to turn their lives around, succeeding with Maori and Pasefika (who are over represented in the prison populations and crime statistics)means succeeding with the overall crime issues in New Zealand, the list was and still endlessly growing.

I was immediately hooked. They had me at keeping communities safe, and interventions to assist people to turn their lives around, by the time they reached Maori and Pasefika issues, I was sold hook, line and sinker.

They talked about the responsibilities that Probation Officers have to uphold in society, not only must they uphold the law, they must be seen to be doing so and they must role model morals and politically correct values and perceptions to the people that they work with. They also emphasized that the people we would be working with are often finding themselves at their lowest in life, and this can present a lot of challenges and obstacles. I was more than thrilled, me being the challenge thrill seeker that I am.

I was a little disheartened when the speakers advised they were only looking for 10 Probation Officers for the Manukau/Auckland region, and that they'd received well over 400 applications.

When I left the information evening that night, I had had my children (who were trying to get warm in the car's heater) pick me up, although I was a little less brave, their little faces gave me the push I needed to submit my application the next day.

Two weeks later my application had been shortlisted from 400 plus to a pool of 80plus applicants and we were to attend a Psychometric test and report writing round, which would enable the recruiters to short list a pool for the panel interviews.

I attended the tests at the Manurewa office and I remember waiting in the foyer with a well dressed caucasian lady who appeared to be 10 years my senior (I was 27 years old at the time). She showed me her CV, she was an AUT Criminologist graduate, wanting some intensive challenges. She was pleasant enough, but the more she talked of her degree and experience, the more I felt my palms sweating. A few minutes later, two other applicants had joined us, one was a lawyer by profession, another a Psychologist. I started to wonder, what on earth was I doing there?

Cut the long story short, I killed the Psychometric test despite its tight timeframes, and sent a thankful prayer to God for my journalism years which gave me so much writing practise, that helped with the report writing test. Two weeks after that, I found myself sitting in front of a panel of five, made up of three managers, and two prestigious members of the Community - Maori kaumatua. I remember pouring my heart out to them around my passions in life, the values and morals that I wanted for myself and what kind of society I want to contribute to and why.

I remember I was so very passionate about working for 'my people' (no I'm not the Queen of Samoa). I wanted to make a difference in the lives of Samoans who had found themselves at the wrong end of the law, and that I would help them change their lives for the better and get them to see their errors and I would inspire them to change for good. I would contribute to improving the tarnished reputation of our people where crime is concerned in New Zealand. I was hugely determined and confident that I Josephine Nickel was born to make the world a better and safer place.

Your dreams are always bold and great when you're younger right?

After five years, I look back and think 'how very over optimistic and so limited my hopes were then'. Furthermore, my world was so narrow and so small, despite all the worldly experience that I had exposed myself to, through studying, reading and through journalism. My world was still so small, only focussing on helping Samoans. One year into Probation, it went from just Samoans to Maori and Pacific Islanders.

Today, I thank my widescope nature of a role, for teaching me to expand my world more.

Today, I have a new understanding, that by limiting my focus on Pacific Islanders and Samoans only, I was being prejudiced and selective to whom I can help through my role.

New Zealand is a multi-cultural/ethnical contemporary society. It's present day successes is result of the contribution of all the ethnicities that make up her colorful rich history and culture.

In order to succeed in eliminating and reducing crime in New Zealand overall, I have come to learn that we must work for the collective communities.

Yes, the Pacific Islands and Maori communities are more fragile, and predisposed to crime, mental health, financial struggles, and poverty, but so are other less privileged groups or class of people in other ethnicities.

We cannot let our identity limit our outreach to society and cloud our passion for people.

That is the bottom line of my passion.

People.

It took me five years to learn this through my work within the general community.

My passion is to make a difference in the lives of ALL human beings, ALL people, regardless of race, ethnicity, age, sex, sexualities, religion, class, ALL people make up our modern societies.

People are people. We all feel pain, disappointment, and sorrow. We all feel joy, happiness, and love. We all have a common desire in life, that is, simply to live life.

Five years later, experience is a hard teacher.

I have learned that I can have all the passion, motivation and inspiration to change the world and change people, all I want, but if people reject that help, there is only so much you can do.

I have learned that crime is a part of life.

Just as there is right from wrong, peace and destruction, violence and harmony, black and white, there will always be crime.

Without it, life as we know it will be non-existent.

We can only do our very best within the eight hours a day that we are given to do what we can do, to contribute to our government's policies and vision for our whole country and ALL New Zealanders.

Our best is all we can give and it should be enough. So today, I celebrate five years of serving New Zealand and ALL its communities by contributing to upholding her citizens' wishes to be safe, and to keep people's faith in her justice systems.

I have come from my years of being a new kid on the block, to expanding my knowledge of our core business and operations, and branching into facilitation roles training practitioners to be more confident in working with PI (still got to do something that's focussing on PI people), and other required skills, to netowrking and liaison with community agencies and other Government departments that we work alongside with, which all contribute to the wider vision of reducing crime in New Zealand.

Sometimes you find yourself winning and sometimes it feels like a continuous losing battle. But like I said, you learn to appreciate all your victories, no matter how little or great. Because in the business of crime management, you quickly learn that over expectations, is a barrier to success at times.

It's a wonderful role/job career path that can branch into many different areas, such as facilitation, programme delivery (counselling/treatment programmes), management, practise leadership roles, and so much more. I highly recommend it to anyone who's keen on making a difference with people who are often at their lowest in life and society. You will often find more disappointments than joys (where people's apprehension to change is concerned), which is why you have to have the right passions and mind sets to find satisfaction in the role. It's not your ordinary nine to five desk job. There is never a single day that will ever be the same. There is never a dull moment, nor is there a quiet stroll in the park one, but the opportunities to really literally create 'hands on' change and differences in someone's life?

PRICELESS.

Everytime someone thanks me for helping them turn their lives around, or make the right choices for themselves and their families, the pure joy I get from their success, assures me that I am exactly where God wants me to be at this point and time in my journey.

Of dark shameful secrets and 2015

I have a dark shameful secret that I need to part with...it is too heavy to carry alone.
It is literally eating me inside out. I cannot bear it any longer. It makes me feel awful about myself, and when I look at my husband, I feel goosepumps forming all over my body.
How will I tell him?
I have a shameful secret, it is disgusting and it is heavy.

As I write, I am hoping to wrap this piece in thirty minutes, so I can prepare for church.
Perhaps there, I will find my cleansing. Perhaps God will forgive me and perform a miraculous intervention, whereby my husband will forgive my sinful indulgence.
Perhaps....oh but I know this husband of mine very well...it would take Jesus in the flesh himself, to forgive me of such an evil sin.
I do not blame him.

In an effort to start self cleansing and conscience clearing,before I blog this piece (and it has been a while - thanks to the festive season...come on, I have a life afterall), I started this day by throwing out everything that I do not need and should not even be possessing in my fridge.
All the frozen jelly that I've kept on hand in case I needed to whip up a five minutes 'trifle', all of the ready made custard boxes, christmas pies, cream, buddings, pies and more pies. Left over ham on bone, some turkey, (all frozen), cup cake mixes, scone mixes, muffin mixes (my eldest daughter is going to throw a tantrum at this, she's the baking freak not me - I just like to test it all for her). I started to take out the wine too, but thought 'better not', in case this may further aggravate my husband's perceived bad mood, when come the time I must part with my ugly secret...it may be the only comfort that he can turn to, given that I've thrown out all the comfort food we have had in storage from Christmas week.

You see my dear followers and readers - I cannot stall this any longer...I have gained 2.5kgs over the last three weeks. Since February 10 2014, I have not gained an anounce until now.

And it is killing me. When I jumped on the scale on the 6th of January 2015 - it screamed out the extra 2.5kgs in bold RED at me! I only told two of my closest mates at work...and judging by the amount of animosity and disappointment I received from them, I cannot imagine my husband's reaction.

He is one of those former athletes, who live in their former glory days most of the time and prides himself on not gaining anything over 2kgs in the past decade. He is my toughest critic since my weightloss journey started.

And ... for every single day...and I mean each, single, 24 hours of the day of every day of 2014, he would say to me "you are going to put it back on, if you do not watch what you're eating". Or if I failed to make my minimum 3 days a week walk/run or gym, he would say "You are not doing enough and mark my words you will put it back on".

Now do you understand why I am dreading the time for revelations so much???

He is too practical to be the kind of guy who will think first before they point out - "I told you so!" No matter how much that small statement is going to crush my world, he will not think twice about saying it!

So I am hoping to show him my latest blog update to read, as my revelation, and perhaps that would make not make the blow so hard. While I'm at it, I think I better drag him to church first, and then give it to him to read, when I've cooked all his favourite (extremely healthy) dishes for lunch today and I'll tell him that I've thrown out all of the children's chocolates as well. Damn the bloody chocolates - this is ALL their darn fault. Oh and the alcohol as well, (what is a festive season without your merry joy joy drinks right?)I'm going to dump all the left over bourbons and vodka in the sink. I shall do it in front of him, and I'm sure this will make him a little happy...a little.

IT'S ABOUT BEING BETTER TODAY THAN YOU WERE YESTERDAY

OKAY enough of the feeling sorry for myself and I'm so scared revelations. I'm sooo over it already. Unapologetic much?

OKAY lets face facts. In February 2014 I weighed at 142kgs prior - my bariatric surgery operation. Prior to that I had weighed a whopping 165.3kgs (the heaviest I had ever been).
Which means I had managed to lose 23.3kgs all on my own.

Since post op, I have lost all up over 54.3kgs. That is from strictly eating right, following the recommended 'strict' meal plans, and exercise.

Yes I've gained 2kgs, but I am still much BETTER today, than I was last year.

I indulge in the knowledge and freedom of living life this way. I should be and I am, my ONLY toughest judge (you know this is true husband - so harsh my darling).
I am happy and I will demolish the gained unwanted kgs in no time. I SWEAR - BY THIS BLOG.

The fact that I've gained a couple of kgs over the holiday period, shows that bariatric surgery, only works, if I commit myself to the eating plan and exercise. So there, for you all KNOW IT ALL FOLKS - who keep discrediting my weightloss - with the mentality that I am not doing it myself, rather it is assisted by an operated procedure, there, I've just gone and PROVEN to you that you are very WRONG!

So my dear husband and followers, yes I have failed, (JUST A LITTLE BITTLE) but I will not focus on that, I will continue to focus on THE huge achievements that I have made so far, since DAY 1, and move forward to better days under 99kgs. I don't have far to go, but the struggle is now getting harder and harder!

The good news is, I tested out my fitness levels for walk/running distance over the weekend gone, and I assure you, I AM MARATHON/WALKATHON READY. I won't come in numer 1 or let alone be in the top 20s, but I am going to cross that finish line.

So 2015 is going to be about changing up my levels of exercise and the types of activities that I participate in, (I am going to join all the walkathons and marathons that I can fit myself into), it's going to be about throwing out all of the negative eating habits I acquired over the festive season, as well as some negative associates with negative habits that do not necessarily help with my goals, and changing my thinking from "I can only do this much' to "I CAN DO ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO".

I can no longer say that exercising 3 days a week is enough to shake off my unwanted excess weight. I am no longer 50plus kgs heavy and therefore, a new body, needs more challenges and definitely needs to stick with my clean eating plan.

Challenge yourself, there is no limit to what you can do, except for the mental boundaries in your mind!

You conquer your mind, you WIN life.

Bring on 2015 - the year that I will attempt my first EVER Walkathon. xxx

What Real Success Isn't!

On Monday evening, I arrived home from work to find my ten year old daughter, slouched on the couch, her head turned towards the seat so that I could not make out her expression. I instantly knew something was wrong because this child of mine, does not express herself inwardly. She’s more of an overdose of extroverts.

Little sniffing sounds came from somewhere between the cushions.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I don’t like my teacher anymore, and I hate that school,” she was crying and she was loud now.

“I don’t want to go back to that school anymore mommy and I don’t want to go to school this week,” she cried even louder.

“Frederick (younger brother), got an invitation for you guys to attend the award ceremony and I didn’t get anything,” our neighbours can hear every word now. “I worked so hard mom,” she was sobbing uncontrollably and my heart was immediately crushed to a thousand pieces.

I rushed to her and took her in my arms.

I took a deep breath and got ready for what I consider to be one of the most crucial tests of my parenting life and my full time job of mother/counsellor/advisor/ friend/role model.

She was looking to me for comfort.
She was looking for reassurance.
She wanted an answer that would make her feel good about the negative feelings she was experiencing at that specific moment.
She wanted to vent and hate the world.
It all sounded far too familiar.

As I held her, a window opened and flashes of scenarios swiped past my eyes.
What I say to my daughter at that moment in time, would determine the type of woman she would become in the future and how she would view and feel about herself.

You see, we live in a world of assessed classifications.

A woman’s beauty is assessed not by her personality and positive traits and inner strengths, but instead often by her weight and skin, or nowadays even by how large her bust and rack comes across. Never mind, whether she is someone who is unafraid to speak her mind and speak the truth. Never mind if she is someone who is kind, sincere, works hard, honest, fun, full of life, has a remarkable sense of humour and positive attitude.

Intelligence is measured by academic achievements and not of wisdom to know right from wrong, discipline, perseverance, diligence, hard work, effort and sacrifice and ability to rise from failure and try again.

Success is considered by how much is in your bank account, how big your house is, how many public organisations you’re a part of, how many cars you got parked in your massive garage, or how large your network database is, and how many ‘perceived’ powerful and successful friends you have.
Society today does not usually look at success instead, as someone overcoming challenges in life.

A single parent raising children on her own with whatever she has, however little balance in their bank account.
An alcoholic or drug addict overcoming their addictions and living in abstinence.
An autistic child being able to tell one different task from another.
A survivor of horrific sexual abuse.
A woman who managed to free herself from an abusive relationship.
A person with disabilities living a normal life.
Parents working full time jobs around their children’s lives and needs.
Teenage mothers overcoming stigma and everyone’s expectations of her to fail in life, getting an education, a respectable career and making an honest good life for herself.

No. We live in a world that values and glorifies materialism and power, as opposed to good, honest hard earned living.

So I turn my daughter’s head to me and reminded her of all the positive qualities that she possesses. And I am not exaggerating when I write it out here for her.
‘You are one of the most hardworking 10 year olds that I’ve ever come across. She does all of her home works every week. Everything all completed’.
‘You are always prepared for school or for any projects and drives me to the wall with your sometimes over persistent nagging when you want something school related done’.
‘You completed your Masters Degree in Reading, starting from the Certificate Level’. Out of over 60 students who participated, only 15 students received their Master and PHDs and she was one of them. (She started to smile at the memory of that sweet victory).

As I read out all of the different areas she had excelled and achieved in throughout the year, she stopped her sobbing and started thinking. I also made sure that she knew that I and her father and her family thought that because of her kindness, her perseverance, her diligence and hard working nature, we her family, all thought that she was beautiful, intelligent, smart and she was definitely going places.

And she is, just because she did not get an award this year, doesn’t mean that she didn’t work hard, or that she wasn’t smart, or that she didn’t do her best.

On the contrary, she gave it her all. She gave it her best. She was an admirable rival in the race.

But like one Samoan saying goes; “E le mua uma ni va’a”.

This is referring to the longboat races, and the elderly would say at the end of the race, (which is a much anticipated event and raises a lot of excitement amongst the locals) ‘there can only be one winner’.

Yes – there can only be one winner, but the winner has something far more important in common with his/her adversaries.
They all worked hard.
They all fought to be number one.
They fought a good fight.
They rowed day and night practising and increasing their strengths.

Some may have slacked in their diet and were not completely fit.
Some may have been distracted by other things. Others perhaps did not have enough resources and or support to assist them with their trainings, skills development and strategizing. All these different components and more determine which boat will edge out a little ahead of the others. But that doesn’t mean that those left behind are any less capable of becoming number one.

But, sure enough, come the following year, the same teams would be back for another race.

I learned a very important lesson from this part of my journey with my daughter Sa.

As a mother, and a woman, I have had to overcome a lot of challenges (that I do not write about often – aside from my weight troubles) to be where I am today in life.

Sa’s disappointment, has clearly made me review my journey all over again and it has reminded me that in life, I have fallen a lot, but it made me develop resilience, strength, courage and bravery. WE all do.

I may not have a large fancy bank account. I may not own a large fancy house, or have three cars, or own a business, nor do I care to try and be noticed by social climbers for an increased status in society but I am independent and happily satisfied and content with where I am in life.

I have come a long way from teenage pregnancy and stigma where I had sometimes thought of ending my life (from shame and embarrassment). I still completed school and went onto to University preparatory year, where other ‘normal’ girls and boys my age at the time had failed. When all I wanted was to bury myself in bed and never show the world my face ever again. I still went to town and church and socialised with other people. I didn’t give in to urges of selfharm, or drowned myself in alcohol or drugs as I've seen happen too often with others (it's not an easy path to go down afterall), instead I took responsibility for my actions and in return discovered one of 5 of the most beautiful and precious gifts that God has ever blessed me with.

I may have had my fair share of club hopping and fish drinking and pulling all nighters and doing all sorts of crazy things like crashing one of your best friend's parent's car, but it has made me appreciate quiet nights at home now, reading a good book on the weekends, know the difference between good and cheap wine, and to wear flats when I go dancing now, which is rarely. I don't miss it one bit.

I may have had a couple of failed relationships and kissed a few frogs but when it came time to pick a knight, I picked one of the few good ones that women talk about over drinks and say things like, 'why are all the good ones taken?' Yes, he's a keeper. He may not be the richest man in the world, and doesn't like to dress fancy all the time, and drives an SUV but he is faithful, generous, kind, thoughtful of my needs, hard worker, provider for my children and I, respects my space and lets me do whatever the hell I want to do,and supports me in ALL I pursue and did I say faithful? And let's not forget damn good looking too, (the man never fails to get stares from the palagi ladies everywhere we go). Yes, his days of drinking like a fish and clubbing are well over. He's only content to just hang around home with me and the children. You wouldn't find him anywhere else but next to me!

I may not have been school dux or assessed as one of the academics of my time in school, but I damn well passed every examination and every stage of my education, went to university and I am still studying, whilst working in a highly demanding job (full time), raising five children with my husband who works the night shift so we can be present in our children’s lives.

My father may not have been rich in material things but he was with me every single day of my life as a child. He was a present parent. He was there night and day to wipe the tears from my small eyes. To rub a cut on a knee, or put band aid on an open wound. He was there to walk me to school every morning and to church almost every Sunday (that decreased in frequency as I got older). He was there to smack me when I misbehaved. He was there to name my pet pig Sadam after the Iraq president Sadam. He made sure I did not starve a single day, or go without clothes. He made sure all my school fees were paid on time and I had my stationary. He was present. He was no fancy business man and he was not accorded what was and is rightfully owed to him as per his father’s wishes, but he looked beyond that and instead earned only from the sweat of his own back to support his family.

My mother may not have married rich, but she is the BEST mother in the whole wide world. She is, kind, loving, gentle, warm, funny, and she is humility in tangible form. She taught me to love, respect and care for people without social status tags on them. She taught me to forgive people’s inadequacies continuously. She taught me that in forgiving I would find peace. She taught me that life is nothing without God, humility and faith. She really makes me soft, grounded and human.
No this is not about making a point of what I’ve achieved.

On the contrary, it’s more about what I’ve not achieved and don’t have in life – YET it hasn’t in anyway robbed me of what’s important in my journey. I may not have any of those things, but I have far greater riches which I can pass onto my children.

Valuing hard work and being honest to myself.

Teaching my children that success is not about making money and getting rich and keeping up with the Smith’s.

Instead I teach them that there are far greater riches than the dollar sign. Richness in values, strength and confidence in one’s self and skin. I show them by living and breathing it every day, what hard work, honesty, integrity, perseverance and never ever giving up looks like. And that, above all things, they must put more trust in faith and God. We can only assure a society without violence and less social issues by raising children to become adults rich of these traits.

I also realised that all of the hard yards have quietly slipped into my thinking and turned me into a parent who sometimes has unrealistic expectations of their children. Because of my teenage life cut short (of my own poor judgement), I then expected my children to supersede all of my hopes, dreams and aspirations that I had had for myself. All the things that I didn’t get to do, I wanted them to achieve it all and succeed in all. But this I learned, many a times and in many moons ago, to be extremely unfair for the children.

Every child is unique and each have their own strengths, weaknesses, desires and dreams. Not every child will make the prize list, but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to be successful in life.

So if your child did not or is not getting a prize this year (like my other three children), don’t worry too much over it. Don’t let the hype on social media dishearten you.
Instead, console yourself in the knowledge that they have worked hard, and all hard work will be rewarded one way or another. You just have to accept the process that leads you to it.

Real success, is about how you bounce back from a fall.

Alcohol Driving Pains

I am thankful that I have never lost a close relative or any loved ones in a car crash, let alone a car crash with alcohol as a contributing factor. I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like for a mother, or a father, a wife or a husband, or siblings, to wait for their loved ones to return from their travelling destinations, only to get Police officers knocking on their door with news that would turn their worlds upside down for the rest of their lives.

I am, however, not totally immune to alcohol driving related tragedies altogether.

A few years ago, in Samoa, my mother in-law and sister in-law and niece, were driving out to the airport to bring home visiting relatives. It was a well anticipated family gathering. A reunion with overseas based relatives whom you’ve been distanced from for years is a festive occasion, always filled with excitement and joy of coming together again, to share stories of what you’ve missed in each others’ lives, and reminisce on memories of the past.

Sadly for my in-laws, it was not to be the case.

A drunk driver went straight for their car, (at highly accelerated speed levels) at a sharp bend. He was unable to control the vehicle motions under excessive speed and drunkenness.

My mother in-law was in her mid seventies at the time. She suffered severe injuries to her hip and legs. She could not walk for months and because of her age, her pain tolerance levels were low. She needed a cast and a few weeks of hospitalisation. To this day, she still suffers from stabbing pains in her hip and legs and the only thing her aged body can take for treatment is a list of prescribed pain killers and some good old fofo – Samoan massage.

My niece suffered knee and back injuries.

My sister in-law suffered severe jaw injuries and some scars.

The other driver? No injuries – at all. (Lucky for him).

They scraped past death on the ‘skin of their teeth’, on that fatal night.

Perhaps it was my mother in-law’s constant prayers, or my sister in-law’s alert state of mind (from being sober and she was well rested for the drive), or the hand of God himself, that had helped save their lives. I don’t know and I can’t say. But what is clear here is that had that driver been sober, he would have been able to control his vehicle, and most probably would have been more conscious that he was driving at high speed.

I shudder just to imagine what would have happened to us as a family, had they been taken away from us so suddenly, as a result of that night’s horrific events.

My husband would have had a major breakdown for sure.

She is the only other woman who reigns high in his heart. The only other person in his life, whom he can confide his innermost private thoughts and worries. And he knows without a doubt in his mind that she prays for him and his wife and children every single day. The one whom we look to for guidance when we are lost, or when life is too fast, she grounds us and brings life back into perspective, especially where our children are concerned. He would have lost his sister and niece that he holds so dear to him.

Thankfully we didn’t have to live that day.
But unfortunately for other families that we read about or watch on our evening news, they weren’t/aren’t so lucky.

The New Zealand Transport Agency holds statistics that show the number of deaths from road accidents have increased from 215 in 2013; to 245 deaths already recorded as of 28 November 2014 and we are not even through the Christmas rush yet.

Having to constantly familiarise myself with these statistics for work purposes, to be quite frank has made me a paranoid driver at times.

I get particularly paranoid to drive during the weekends, nights and especially during the holidays now. We had to cancel a road trip on Labour Weekend this year, partly because I was literally afraid that our poor old family bus, (Toyota 8 seater) may not hold well against a hard hit crash on the motorway and we would be demolished to crushed metal. I began to methodically explore various scenarios.

1.I might suffer the most if we crashed because I’m in the passenger seat out front, and with my long long legs – they would be crushed (wincing at the thought) bones splintering from my knees, cutting through my skin, and blood splashed everywhere. If I survive they would get amputated and dear me, I don’t think I can handle living in a wheel chair for the rest of my life. Fabricated legs (I don’t mean to sound selfish and inconsiderate) but really, they’re not the most comfortable thing in the world, and I do like to wear knee length dresses a lot. Which let’s face won’t be the most desirable look of the year, really.
2.I might die, my husband and children would survive and he’ll most probably have himself another wife (despite his ongoing admissions to never EVER wanting to marry again should I be the first one to die), who will enjoy having my children as her servants.
3.My husband might die and leave me alone with five children and we would suffer financially – tremendously, because; a) with my salary we won’t qualify for any Housing (because we won’t afford to keep our home anymore) or benefits even as a solo mother, b) I don’t trust insurance companies (like ever, despite having three or more policies that I can attest to) and we may never get his life insurance pay out.
4.We all die, our bodies scattered all over the motorway and they may never find my beautiful head with my beautiful face (too sure – yes, well I’m about to die in these thoughts, so a girl is allowed to have some vain thoughts please) and no one but my poor mother would be there to bury us. (Which reminds me, I need to find mom some secure legal guardians, should something happen to me – because I’m her only child).
5.The worse one – that haunts me night and day, is that we survive and one of our children should be lost to such an accident – I would rather die a thousand deaths than to endure the unimaginable pain of the death of any of my children. I’ve survived a lot of horrifying battles in my life – but that – I know, I will never be able to survive – so I constantly thank God, each day, for the things that I sometimes take for granted – like all of us, getting home safe and sound from work and school each day.

So what can you and I do as members of society to help reduce road fatalities resulting in deaths from alcohol related driving and keep paranoid woman drivers like me sane?

Hence with the alcohol driving limit dropping from 400mcg levels of alcohol breath to 250mcg as of tomorrow 1 December 2014, I felt compelled to write a gentle reminder, to caution all drivers – do not take chances and risks with your life and that of others. It is far too precious and life is far too short to gamble away with poor attitudes towards alcohol driving, which is a calculated risk and can be easily avoided.

Lower alcohol limit for adult drivers 20 years and over
From Monday 1 December 2014, the alcohol limit for drivers aged 20 years and over will be lowered.

This change means that drivers aged 20 years and over must not drive if:
•the amount of alcohol in their breath is more than 250 micrograms of alcohol per litre of breath.
•the amount of alcohol in their blood is more than 50 milligrams of alcohol per 100 millilitres of blood

For drivers under the age of 20 years, the limit remains at zero.

Drivers who are over 400 micrograms of alcohol per litre of breath, or 80mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood, will continue to face criminal sanctions as is currently the case.

Drivers who fail an evidential breath test between 251 and 400 micrograms of alcohol per litre of breath will receive an infringement notice with a $200 infringement fee and 50 demerit points. Drivers in this range will not be able to elect an evidential blood test.
Drivers who accumulate 100 or more demerit points from driving offences within two years will receive a three month driver licence suspension. An infringement offence will not result in the driver receiving a criminal conviction. (Taken from the NZ Transport Agency Website).

I can hear a voice, saying “speak English to me”.

Okay so basically if:

•You’re 20 years old and over the new alcohol driving breath limit for you drops from 400mcg of alcohol per litre of breath to 250mcg.
•You’re below 20 years old – there’s no driving for you if you’ve had an alcoholic beverage buddy.
•If you’re in the 20 years old and above category and you’re caught with a breath alcohol level of over 250mcg but not more than 400mcg – you get an infringement notice, a $200 infringement fee and 50 demerit points off your Driver’s License. This will not result in receiving a Criminal Conviction.
•Driver’s who get reading levels over 400mcg will continue to face criminal sanctions – as per current system.
•If you accumulate 100 or more demerit points within two years, you will get a three month driver licence suspension.

Tips to prevent getting yourself through any of these avoidable situations and assist with saving lives:

•Many of us know that it only takes about three to five 8% alcoholic drinks to go over the 400mcg limit – so do the math, depending on various factors, which include sleep deprivation and food intake, it may only take one or two bottles of 8% might just get you over 250mcg. There’s no solid way to measure these things – so the best thing to do; is to just stay well clear away from the wheel when and if you are planning to have a night out with friends, or just having a couple at a bar on your way home from work, or just having a few at after work functions before heading home. Don’t risk it!
•We’ve all heard this before – and I can’t stress it enough – sort out a sober driver!
•If you’re having a night out with friends, share the cab fee and enjoy your night without having to play rocks and scissors over who’s going to drive.
•If you’re under 20 – I really shouldn’t be saying – “should you really be drinking?” (because I’ve had my share of teenage magic drinks merriness). But I can surely say – think long and hard about the possibility that you could put your young life and others into jeopardy by getting behind a wheel, and you do not want a Criminal History at a young age. Trust me – it creates so much hassle for you when your life is about to start – it affects things like finding a job (because ; a) most jobs require that you have a solid transport mode, b) most jobs prefer to employ non-criminals – simple.
•If you don’t have a valid Driver’s License – it probably means that you either; a) Do not qualify to drive on the roads because you did not pass the driving test, thereby meaning that you driving is a potential hazard for all other members of the public on the road; b) It is illegal for you to be driving and should not be driving at all; c) your vehicle may get impounded; d) you will receive a fine that you most probably can’t afford to pay and e) that your vehicle is most probably not fit to be on the road or it isn’t your car to begin with and the owner of that vehicle will be paying for your poor judgement.
•If you want to have a few, just stay home and enjoy it in the comfort of your own house, responsibly.
•If you see your friends and relatives driving under the influence, ‘Be a legend’ and stop them from driving – invite them to sleep at your place till morning, arrange a sober driver for them, put them in a cab, or sit them down and have a heart to heart. If you truly care for them, give them some tough love!

For more information on Driver’s Licenses, Alcohol Limits etc – visit the NZTA website there’s tons of helpful information there and statistics showing the rapid increase in death tolls from road crashes alone.

Remember – ‘Be a Legend’ and stop a mate/loved one from driving if they’re under the influence.

You may not see it – but you could actually be saving a lot of lives from a lot of pain and suffering.