Let's Talk Sex Baby

Earlier this morning my sixteen year old daughter bounced into the dinning room in full excitement!

In my head, I'd already played out what she was going to ask for; money for a trip, money for new training gears, money for lunch or movies with her friends, or overdue allowance money (yes I am quite forgetful when it comes to the latter).

To my blissful surprise, the words she uttered had nothing to do with money!

"Mom, I'm lucky to have you as my mother. All my friends say so."

Okay - when your 16 year old child talks about you in appreciation - you're either hearing voices, or they want something from you, or there's been some sort of miraculous intervention. Let's face it - this is the age when all they ever think about is - ME ME ME & ME!

Anyway, I tried my best not to jump for glee and and enquired as to what did I ever do to receive such a high esteemed accolade in the history of my run with teenage parenting!

She explained, someone (her age), that she knew was caught having an intimate relationship, and had been banned into strict grounding, so strict their parents wouldn't know where to look for them in the house! Yes - they're of Pacific Island ethnicity.

How might she be so lucky you may ask? Well I most definitely do not allow her to have any kind of intimate relationship at her age. I do not encourage it in any way at all.

But we have formed an understanding my teenagers and I.

There are no boundaries to what subjects we can discuss between us. There is no subject too sacred, too taboo, too ugly or too uncomfortable or too shameful that we cannot talk about in our house, at our table, during our runs, in my room or after church or wherever. Anywhere that I'm present is a safe place and space to have discussions.

Sex is at the height of being one of the topics that receives the thumbs up from me!

Growing up - sex was always a taboo subject in my Samoan upbringing, even in school. So much so that when time came for menstruation, I had no idea what was happening to my body! Sex and intimate relationships were such a hush hush topic that when teenagers at my time were curious, as teenagers do at that age, we had to turn to movies and or each other and very often the latter was never a good choice because it was almost always the case of the blind leading the blind.

Having an understanding of an open forum for free flow discussions in my house with my teenagers has helped open up barriers that would have otherwise made them keep secrets from me.

The first time I decided to create this forum was when my daughter turned 16. Having gone through teenage pregnancy myself, I admit I was anxious when she neared the age. So I sat her down and I started by inviting her to feel free to talk to me about anything.

Boys, sex, men, women, abuse, rape, sexual abuse, body changes, relationships, attraction, hormonal changes, A N Y T H I N G!

You can imagine the look on her face when we had our first talk. I laid my terms on the table.  There will always be boys, men eventually, for the rest of her life. But she will only live her life once.

Opportunities come and go, but her youth will only come once.

Expectations were set right from the get go. Should she fantasize anyone or the idea of a relationship, she will come to me first before she even bats her eyelids!

We discussed men in general. Boys in general. What separates boys from men and gentlemen from jerks. What dating should look like, what to expect and that it was damn okay for a woman to have high expectations of her mate. She never talked so much.

She wasn't too keen on body functions and details. That was all taught in health class apparently. Periods...again thank you Health class but by that time - the subject of menstrual cycles was minor compared to the heat of boys and relationships etiquette.

To this day, she knows she can talk to me about anything. She knacks a lot about boys in her school being immatured. (I may have made her set her standards real high - that's okay - she's well worth it).

I find that she's very relaxed, not so anxious to get into the discovery channel. It's as if she's completely aware of her situation and surroundings, she knows what the fuss is all about and is in no rush to get to the finish line. She wants to explore life and it's adventures and what it has in store for her before anything else. Unlike some ahhhhm people. (Well she wouldn't be here if I didn't - life's ironies).

In offender management - I come across women of all ages, from all walks of life, and from all scenes of abuse!

You name it, I've seen it and dealt with it first hand, with both sides of the coin; victims and perpetrators of violence. Sexual or otherwise.

One of the most common factors that I see across the board with women victims and male perpetrators, is the lack or ignorance of knowledge.

They lack understanding of their situations.

They lack the ability to differentiate what normal behaviour is from abusive and controlling behaviors.

They fail to separate what controlling manipulation looks like from pure love and affection!

Abusive relationships became their normality at an early age because they never saw or knew any different. Most were thrown into relationships or forceful situations without much life experience, and having learned relationships from minimal interactions that were most likely negative and unhealthy.

One of the best things that we mothers can do in our roles as confidantes, to help eliminate violence against women and children, is to encourage open discussions about relationships, sex, behaviors and expectations with our daughters, sons, sisters, brothers (yes brothers) colleagues, and male friends.

Find a safe space and use appropriate language and understanding and have that discussion.

I was recently in Samoa and I got to spend some time with my biological brother (who was raised by his adopted parents) and his wife. I noticed that he was often overpowering towards her. Often he failed to see that she was tired from tending the children, chores, food, house and their parents. I noticed that he did not see in himself that his behaviour could be wrong. Because he lived in a society where religion and culture holds man to be the head of the aiga. This is true and plays a critical role in maintaining family structure and balance. But unfortunately, these roles are not understood by many to their full extent.

That being Head of the aiga means that they have a responsibility to protect, care for and nurture those in their circle. Not to demand, dictate and dominate them.

So I took my brother aside and talked to him. Gently. Which is often a challenge for me when it comes to difficult men!

I did not shy away from the subject of sexual relationships. We talked about family planning, giving her time for her body to heal. We talked about their health. We talked about what makes them happy together. We talked about balance and respectful expectations that man and woman should have for each other.
He was so relieved. I was happy for him. A few days later, I visited again, she was smiling a lot more. He was tending to the children more. They seemed happier.
I'm not saying I solved all of their problems and they will now live happily ever after. But I showed you and them what ongoing open discussions can do for relationships!

Starting those open discussions early whilst they're young - means adults go into the world armed with some knowledge and experience and the confidence to make positive, healthy well informed decisions in their relationships and interactions with other people.

Violence is the product of people.

Unhappy, ignorant, confused, embarrassed, lost, unloved, abused, misunderstood, unhealthy people.

People interact with each other.

Interactions means relationships.

If we can feel confident in having open discussions about our relationships and our expectations of each other in our relationships - we can help eliminated violence.

It may seem trivial but discussions creates understanding. Understanding is knowledge.

Knowledge is power.

Power helps a woman understand her situation, her partner, what she expects from them and what she doesn't want them do to her or any other woman! It will empower her to spot good mates and or leave behind unwanted partners.

Remember, discussions are a two way stream. You state your point. They say theirs. You listen and you hear what they have to say. As in really hear it. Sympathise and empathize by placing yourself in their situation. Then find your common ground and compromise.

It is not a dictating session. It is not about you or them. It's about two people coming to an understanding.

Have those discussions. It may empower them. It may inspire them. It may save them.

You Faikakala YOU

Faikakala - translated literally - creating, making up stories and then spreading it.

Stories that are mostly fabricated from lies, susequently generating rumours and this month's leading content for what my lady friends and I like to call -'Coconut Wireless Communications'.

When I was an active journalist - people used to refer to news reporters as le a'u faikakala. They still do. Thankfully - it's a profession where you quickly adapt to harsh public criticism and acquire thick skin. Resilience becomes your very best friend and you just turn on selective hearing/reading mode when you hear such ignorant references.

I say ignorant because folks never really think before they make stereotype  remarks about the profession.

Mainstream media are the 'watchdogs' for any community. A democracy is only as good as its media. Journalists work on gathering factual information to question policies, processes, and decisions that affect their communities and equip the general public with factual information to make informative decisions that impact on their livelihoods and community wellness. Other areas of journalism focus on spreading awareness on global economic, political, health, environmental issues to effect similar outcomes and more.

That to me is - telling a story - these are stories that need to be told to assist the public in making informative decisions.
Freedom of the Media and Freedom of Speech enable journalists to access public information and report on that information in the interests of public rights to accountability and transparency of information that affects the public.

Telling a story and 'making' up malicious stories/rumours about individuals that affect their reputation and how people perceive them are two very different things.

'Making up' stories, with malicious intention to destroy someone's reputation, exploit their personal choices, their personal decisions, their personal lives - now that is Faikakala by Lokoleaga Productions, Edited by Fa'akele and Fa'apopo Company; and spread for the amusement of The Coconut Wireless Communications followers by Fela'ua'i Kala Broadcasting!

When a headline of the sort hits the newsboard ask yourself these questions:

1. Does it affect the economy and my financial situation?

2. Does it affect the way politicians make decisions on my behalf or on public policies?

3. Will it better my health or my understanding of health services?

4. Will it better my children's education or the general education system?

5. Will it improve issues of global environmental impact - like the Ozone Layer thinning, Pacific Atolls sinking, Serian Wars, refugee, starvation, human trafficking etc?

6. Will it assist in reducing crime, boosting motivation of addicts for treatment, addressing issues of public safety and security and justice?

7. Will it make me a better person mentally? Will I feel good about myself after? Will I get an award for it? Will I get any money for it? Will it help boost my bank account?

8. Will it get me a job? A degree? A house? A car?

9. Is it going to teach my children lifelong lessons about how to be a responsible adult?

10. Last but not the least - Is it any of my business?

If you have answered no to all 10 questions then you should have enough intelligence and self respect to say that you don't want to hear it, read it, like it or let alone talk about it and repeating it to the next person.
Because that is not news - that is GOSSIP. As in Faikakala.

The ones who start gossip are of gossip the same stroke as the ones who listen to it and repeat it without even checking if it's true but more importantly if it was any of their business!

This post has been inspired from seeing Facebook statuses of Samoan women degrading each other - and adding fuel to the fire by using malicious gossip from their so called support networks to cut and stab each other. What they don't realize is that the sams people who are pressing 'like' on the other's statuses are then going on to the other woman's status and pressing like for their response! These people are feeding off their 'personal attacks' of each other for their sheer amusement and entertainment!

Who are the fools now?

I find it horribly disgusting when women have nothing better to do than to just amuse and occupy their time talking about the personal lives of others. What's more disgusting are the ones running between these two women, transporting filthy bile from one woman to another and then sitting back and watching them explode and degrade each other in public - while they clap, warm up their popcorn and plan more twists for the plot to get even juicier!

YOU ARE SICK IF YOU DO THAT and GET A KICK OUT OF RUINING PEOPLE'S LIVES, REPUTATIONS AND MENTAL STABILITY.

THAT IS BULLYING!

I suggest you take yourself to your family doctor and request to see a psychologist for intervention. That is not normal human behavior.

The only outcomes for gossip can never be good.

I've seen too many women suffer public humiliation, depression, self harm and suicide all from the fact that some people just couldn't mind their own business and others weren't intelligent or strong enough to recognize gossip and say - I don't want anything to do with it!!!

And for what? For a mere MAN?
Seriously ladies? Why women give men this amount of credit and importance is half of the problems feminism exists!

I got to get to work now but - if I can just leave you with a thought to ponder on;

Real strong women empower each other and want nothing to do with gossip.
And gossip is sometimes disguised as a good intention! 'I JUST WANT TO WARN YOU THAT SHE'S THIS AND THAT OR THOSE GUYS ARE NOT WHAT YOU THINK?'

She's the type of gossip mill that you really have to work on identifying be a use they often come disguised as mother Theresa - or disguised as your cheerleading squad - but really - they're the 'execution' team! Watch out for those types - they look like angels but with daggers under their wings!

Girls spread rumours and Conspiracy because girls haven't yet learned to overcome their  insecurities.

Today - make a constant decision on which one you want to be!

And men, unless you're Brad Pitt, Patrick Dempsey or Channing Tatum - you have no right to degrade a woman for her looks - let alone have a right to degrade a woman at all for whatever reason and I don't care who you are for that matter!

Let's just mind our own business and if you spot gossip just gently nudge them on the shoulder and do a good deed by helping them to rethink their actions!

Here are some quotes I really liked about the topic!

Enjoy and keep those lips sealed!

'Loose lips, sink ships!'

Frederick's Missing Portfolio Mystery!

Last week on Thursday I came home to a hysterical Frederick! Someone had stolen his Reading Programme portfolio! He summed it up, as pretty much the doing of his ( witch ) sisters! They were always taking his books and looking into his things and ' invading my privacy ' and 'they never ask for my permission!'

He'd lost a whole month's work and he was even up to his Masters with Honours!
He was gutted.

So I told him there's no point crying about it. (After we searched high and low, even contemplated asking the neighbours if they saw anything suspicious happening from our house while we were asleep).

Told him to go into the Library and put in as much work as he could complete on Saturday and submit that to his teacher.

He completed about two weeks work in four days!

Although he didn't hit his target, we are proud of him for not giving up when he was hit with an unfortunate situation that was out of his control!

There were days when I didn't feel like getting out of bed this week. But Fred's Missing Portfolio Mystery pushed me on!

When life threw lemons at him he made lemonade with it. (After a lot of screaming and kicking). But he got there in the end - it's not his Masters but this is one Reading Degree story to be proud of - AND his crafty sisters won't be having any of the chocolate jelly tip Whittaker that he's getting tonight!

You go get them books Master Frederick!

XXX

The struggles of creating a Magazine

When you're desperately trying to create a Magazine and meet your deadline so you can go to launch - and you realise three weeks prior to the estimated launch date that the name you picked (more like an impulsive wonderful idea at the time) is not going to work.

First - Pasefikaness is wayy too long.

Second - it's a commonly branded name across the region!

Third - you want to use a name that captures the concept of celebrating everything Pasefika but what better word to use than the word Pasefika itself and add in some NESS  for a sense of being, belonging, celebration!!!!
(And now I'm back to square one).

I've had sleepless nights over this name thing.

So I contact my Branding Designer and Web Designers.

'Ladies I want to change the name of the Magazine and I'm positive this is the final change.'

'Okay what is it?'

PEOPLE

'Oh but you could confuse your audience with a well established brand - you know the PEOPLE magazine?'

'And you might attract a law suit.'

'Oh right. I forgot about them. And no I have no money to defend any law suits.'

The Web Developer jumps in...'and it's going to mean a whole lot of changes to the templates and design if we change names.'

Oh! Yeah I thought it was just a few tweaking here and a few mouse presses there and the name change is done.

Not to mention, any changes means added costs!

Nope! It's actually a lot of work for the Web Developer to make those changes - and a complete overhaul of designs for the brand designer.

This is what writers like me, don't (pretend doesn't exist) know!

Back to square one.

More sleepless nights and spending my days mostly wandering off into space contemplating possible catchy names.

On top of it - we're looking for more contributing writers and content sub-editors for grammar and punctuation and all that stuff!

Just cos we love to write doesn't mean we're an ace at spotting out typographical errors and perfecting our grammars and punctuation!!!!

No way!

Every successful writer/author/journalist out there is or has worked with a team of sub-editors and editors,who act as an extra set of eyes - to carefully scrutinize all of their work, pull it apart and put it back together until the final product gets to you the reader finely tuned!

Then there are lay-out artists who put together all of the content in a professionally presentable manner that would appeal to the readers! They do all the photoshopping, cropping, enhancing, air brushing! They're like your fairy God Mothers.

They basically make you look good!

Web Designers! Crucial for an 'online magazine'.

Marketing and Business Development Analysts - after all what's the use of making something like a Magazine where you're punching in 60 hours a week (on top of your 9-5 full time job) and not make some money out of it?

Those are any writers' /journalists'/Magazine's Angels! Behind the scenes warriors - diligently running around like ninjas getting all of OUR sometimes unrealistic demands done!

So - got any ideas for a name that would capture our values of shedding light in successes of all Pasefika people and celebrating everything Pasefika?

Do sound it off in comments!

Want to write for us from anywhere in the world that you're based?

Drop me an inbox and I'll jump on it!

Do help a girl stay sane please! 😀

Look forward to hearing or reading some ideas from you!!

XXX

Why you should be slow to follow Faceless-book pages!

I have had plenty of extra time on my hands in the past few days, on the mend, recovering from a frightful case of tonsillitis, (nights curled into fetal position rocking back and forth in perceived cold shivers, under multi layers of mink blankets - whilst sporting high temperatures above the 40 celsius mark).
After an overnighter at the Emergency Room on Sunday night; got poked with needles for blood tests, Iv drips, and high doses of penicillin - I was back home before the children woke up for school on Monday.
A strictly five days off work medical certificate from the Doctor validated a whole lot of television and Internest  (a cocoon of warm soft blankets and cushions, that you surround yourself with while you browse the internet) surfing, from the comfort of my couch these past two days!

The sickation (sick leave/vacation) didn't last long. I got bored watching Dr. Phil and that Jeremy Kyle lie detector test show, so I decided to do a bit of investigation for myself on facebook.

There are so many pages/groups that we come across on facebook and that's great! A lot of these groups/pages promote Healthy Living, Exercise, Eating Well, Clean Eating; promotes Civil Rights, Women and Girls Empowerment, Weightloss, Cooking, and more. My favorites are the ' motivational quotes ' pages - now those ones have a positive clear message. To motivate and impact positive thinking and actions amongst individuals. You don't have to be a psychologist or a well accredited counselor for that - you just need some life experiences, compassion and positivity!

There are business and private organisations' pages, which are often always obvious and have the legit look. They have websites, actual addresses, mail box/postal addresses, contact phone numbers, and they have feasible products that they're trying to sell.

Then there are the corporate players and power house organisations, like the UNDP, or the National Party, Prime Minister John Key, Government Departments and Corporations, All Blacks, Mainstream News Agencies like TNVZ One News, NZ Herald online, Stuff.co.nz, Financial institutions, Banks, Franchises, Supermarkets, Cinemas, Malls; you name it - it's on facebook. You'll be sure they'll have Twitter, Instagram, Tumbler and all those other social media networks that I can never have the time to learn more about.

But the pages that I became particularly curious with were the ones taking authority of specific cultural or ethnic representations.

Often targeting their audience with a tone of humour when addressing them, and taking on random titles like - 'Confessions of a Samoan Princess', 'Samoana', 'Polynesian Warriors', 'Paradise', 'One Love', 'Pacific Islanders' the list is endless.
At first, most of it all looked harmless, just promoting cultural arts, traditions, basic ethnic language awareness, scenery for the adventurous tourist. I thought, hmmmmmm not much of a threat to the general public.

But then I come across a random one promoting views on youth and social development as well as employment. I walk through the statuses of the last three to four months' (Yes I was truly bored but too ill for the mind to do any 'real' work) posts, calling all unemployed people to get off the couch and go to work (okay - I agree with you to some extent there, I consider this a case by case basis), then proceeds to shame all the unemployed.

Not long into my enquiries and I figure out who the admin is... one of their followers makes a comment tagging their name to it and they respond under the page name (huge giveaway). I check out the tagged admin's profile, and wha la - "Officially finished the semester today, (hashtag) jobless, if you see me be generous and buy me some lunch! - Laugh Out Loud emoticon."
Sistah looked to be in her 20 years of life of on earth, or early twenties and never held a job in her entire life.

Then I find another one, this one is a lot more brave, more opinionated, strong views, valid points, good researched topics, she/he is what the blogging world would deem as someone getting their blogging ideas from the views of others (as most of the posts are extended posts of similar opinions raised elsewhere).

Then I come across an assertive post with a beautiful picture of a woman bearing markings of the traditional malu tatoo for Samoan women, cracking a coconut shell, about to scrape the coconut off the shell for preparation of either a umu or a fa'alifu. It's not clear in the photo which traditional cooking procedure she was about to embark on - but the status read; "How about we make it a rule - that you must learn to cook a umu first before you can get a malu?"
I sneered at this - it was clearly a very immature generalisation, and one may consider it shaming other women who have taken the traditional markings.

How does one make the assumption that all women who have had a malu, have not had the experience of making a umu, or preparing a fa'alifu? Just because they either chose not to post pictures (or don't have any pictures) of them cracking a coconut, or squeezing coconut milk with a tauaga? For all you know, they could have just been posing for the photos and then immediately handed the task back to the actual people preparing the food!

So I did a bit of digging, found their true profile, early-mid twenties, unclear whether they were born in Samoa or NZ, but one thing was clear, they have never prepared a fa'alifu or a umu before (at least in the traditional way)!

There are pages outright shaming young women and girls. The vulgarity of the language used is abhorrent and disgusting. It is disappointing to see how the youth of my country are spending most of their time and to read their tunnel vision views. It didn't take long for me to figure out that the administrator/s were based out of Samoa. What's more insane are the amount of mutual friends that I have, who have liked these pages!

That's easy - you go to the 'friends who have liked this page button' and boom!

Really people? Wouldn't you rather be reading up or following a page more beneficial to your health, lifestyle, personal development and or matters of current affairs?

Alarmingly, these pages are attracting thousands of followers. I'm theorising that this is mostly due to their 'humour' tone, use of everyday basic 'slang' language - it appeals to the younger generations, and mostly divorced, widowed or single men and women. (Yes I took the time to connect a common pattern of the followers of these pages).

I'm not going to name these faceless armchair heros. No - that would be way too much irresponsible fun, and no this post is not about calling them out and hanging them to dry. I do not stand to gain a thing from that at all.

This is for you reading - yes you - so you can start making better informed decisions and be a little bit more cautious and inquisitive of the authors of the material that you're reading. For all you know, you could be learning about the heirachy of the matai system from a first year university student, barely out of their twenties, with way too much time on their hands. Or you could be getting job search tips, or ideas of what unemployment and employment ought to look like from someone who has not held a job in all of their young life!

You may be learning and getting influence on critical issues of gender equality, ethnicity, identity and culture from someone who may still be struggling with the infamous Lemalu Tate Simi question - 'Who am I?'

There are some credible pages with similar tones, audiences, key messages and values floating around on facebook.
Here's a tip - the authors or administrators usually invite you to LIKE their pages themselves.
Sometimes, your friends invite you to like these pages.
Hold them (page authors/administrators) to account - make the effort and send them a message (there are no rules stopping you), simply inquire - who they are, so you're aware of who's behind the page and the information provided.
Become a responsible facebooker. Be responsible and alert of the information that you expose yourself and digest. More importantly, make it your business to know your source.
Another tip - usually the credible authors/administrators who use random titles for page branding and property authentication - repost their statuses onto their personal pages. From there you may decided for yourself whether the information portrayed by that specific person comes from a place of experience, credibility, learned knowledge that you can trust or perhaps their information requires a bit more analysing.

Its important to know who your authors are - especially where intricate matters of social and cultural issues are concerned. Information is only as good, valueable, and helpful as it's source. Social media is so readily accessible worldwide, it is vastly becoming the 'new' mainstream media. But with no academic, experience, expert knowledge filters, it's any man's game really.
It's worrying if the opinions and subsequently therefore, the understanding of people, on what their cultural and ethnical values; become hugely influenced by unsolicited inexperienced, often biased and inobjective views of some random faceless-book pages.

The number one rule of credibility is crediting the source of information.
It is purely why I choose to blog under my real name, and run a facebook page for an upcoming online Magazine venture that I'm working on - aligned to my real name. Many prominent journalists, authors, writers; you'll find, use their real names to run facebook pages and blogs for that very core reason. That credibility is fundamental to integrity of information and source.

If you're going to have an opinion about matters that impact on individuals' wellbeing and the wider community in general, then by all means, may you have the resilience and enough heart to face their feedback and criticism.

How I met Jerry Collins

I know. You read the the title above and probably rolled your eyes thinking, darn, here's another one. Every Samoan around the globe either associates themselves as his cousin, brother, friend, colleague, neighbour, uso you name it. Especially now with so much publicity surrounding his sudden death - he is a rugby great after all.
But this post isn't about that at all.

The tragic car accident that has led to his sudden departure and the devastating conditions surrounding his death, the death of his wife Alana Madill, and their 3 months old daughter fighting for her life in hospital - has shocked the whole world, not just the Samoan communities. It shocked me so much - that I've had to put a hold on my studies for next week's exams to blog about it.

It has shocked the rugby community worldwide.

The shock, coupled with the terrifying aftermath of a child orphaned by such a cruel twist of fate, events, life or whatever you may wish to call it - has left many fans, friends and families heartbroken as witnessed all over social media networks. The tragedy is a strong message to all of us, of just how flimsy this life that we live can be.

You see, I don't really know him.

All that I know about JC is probably just as much as any other fan does about him, which is mostly from reports in the media.

THAT he is a passionate and proud player when he puts on that rugby jersy - that we can all evidently see when he's on the field - you can't miss that with every blowover, hard made tackle or skillful evasive run from his adversaries towards the goal line.

THAT he was a 'wrecking ball' on the field - that is without contest and if you're a rugby fan - we all know that without having to read some blog about it.

THAT he was a 'cheeky All Black' known for spending a penny on the side of the grandstand just before a game in Christchurch 2006 - caught on camera - only Jerry got away with something like that. His friends and community in France say in reports that the mischievious JC has grown up with fatherhood.

THAT he was always down to earth with journalists and known for comments like 'what you see is what you get' attitude - that we know from reports once again.

THAT he asked to be released from his New Zealand rugby contract at the early age of 27 and went offshore to play his rugby - that confused me as a fan and a lot of rugby critics felt it was the wrong call - but he stood by his decision and had stated that it was the right time for him to bow out of NZ rugby and his All Blacks career.

THAT he was humble and had no pretentions about who he was - that I had had the priviledge to witness first hand.

I first met JC back in 2004 when he was at the height of his All Black career. My husband who had just come out of contracted rugby in New Zeland three years prior to that, had left some good imprints and made what would be some helpful associations for himself in later life. JC was in Samoa to visit his family in Leufisa a neigbouring village to Apia (where we lived) and they decided to get together for a night in the town. That's when I first met him.
I was somewhat anxious about the meet. I asked my husband "What do I wear to meet a famous All Black player?" Danny laughed this off, he obviously knew that JC wouldn't care less what one wore to meet him. But hey, don't tell that to a woman.
When we finally met him that night with another of Danny's cousin from Wellington, he was nothing I had imagined him to be.

I had imagined that he would probably be really sophisticated and prefer to dine at an exquisite restaurant and drink beer from a glass in a million dollar suit.
I had actually made the effort of buying an expensive new dress, had my hair done by a hair stylist friend, and brought out fancy jewellry for the occassion. I was not about to go and meet an All Black who knew my husband from his rugby days (where he no doubt had fair share of attention from the ladies) looking like your regular island chic! No way! I am a strong believer of 'first impressions' go a long way.

I was slightly disappointed. Jerry showed up in jandals, an All Black singlet and shorts! YES - SHORTS! His first words after we were introduced - "So where's the best pub in town man?" What he failed to impress in his choice of clothing he made up with his overwhelming presence and damn good humour. We had finger foods and a lot of vailima and a lot of carousing that night.

It was the first time I'd seen a man down a whole large Vailima bottle (Samoan beer) in one straight go! He was afterall in his mid twenties then and very much finely sculpted with lean muscle and strength! He outdrank my husband, and all the other guys who joined in on the drinking game that night - whilst I sat there in the midst of all these men - being boys!
It was quite the scene! What grabbed me was the fact that he did not have any idea of just what a big deal he was at that time, especially in tiny Apia. It did not resonate with him that he was a rugby star. He was just another guy, in a bar, having fun.

That week, we would see him on the streets of Apia, shorts and shirtless, going for his runs in the evenings. On some days he would be walking along the streets with his ie lavalava. He was photographed in the local daily paper at a local school sharing his rugby stories with the children. JC was very much just a man.

He had not only given rugby fans worldwide great rugby memories, he has contributed immensely to the Samoan KIWI DREAM! He is a product of a successful migration into NZ. A migration for a better future, better education, better health care, better lifestyle for our children and generations to come - with a lot of hard work and determination. Born in Samoa, he and his parents migrated into New Zealand at a young age, and he started his rugby in the heart of P Town - Porirua!

You can't get any more fresh than Porirua. But that's where it all began.
He was not just any other Samoan rugby player.

He was living proof that dreams do come true, if you work really hard, give it your 120%, and believe that you can achieve anything you put your mind to, and when you do, you live it down with humility and truth.

That is how so many young boys aspiring to be All Blacks throughout NZ and Samoa will remember him.

Yesterday, it was reported that rugby played at all levels throughout NZ commemorated JC and spent 10 minutes of silence in his honour. Rugby legends throughout the world,have all been sending tributes for JC and his family, including McCaw, Mealama and Umaga.

My sons have been devastated by this heart-breaking terrible news.
It has come as a shock for many young boys not just in NZ but also worldwide, his copper hair, boyish ways and humour has left imprints in the hearts of many young rugby fans.

Even though I met JC and spent one night in his company, I wouldn't say that I knew him. But the young life he lived in the last 34 years has most definitely been what he wanted it to be - 'what you see is what you get.'

We saw and felt great presence, an enormous personality, humility, pride of his country of birth and family, pride of his NZ upbringing and life. We saw a hardworking dedicated man, and lately we saw a man inlove, and a proud father.
That is the JC I know and we all know.

May his sudden passing ever remind us of what the Samoan KIWI DREAM is all about - and that well...life is too short to be anything or anyone else that we are not.

Our sincerest condolences to both families. know that you're not alone in your loss.

Rest in Peace, Love and Warmth Jerry Collins and Alana Madill - and continuous prayers for your dearest daughter Ayla.
Gone too soon - and will never be forgotten.

Scarlet Lies - A spellbinding delight!

Just as alluring as its main character, this piece of fiction has had me captivated right from the first page. I must admit, I am not much of a ‘chick flick’ book reader.

Don’t get me wrong, I love watching movies from those wonderful books, and I'm a big sucker for romance, but I could never have the stamina to read through the books, it just seemed like an overload of Almond Magnum chocolates at times, too much sweetness and too much smoothness all in one place, can be, mind numbing.

Especially when you're a mother of five like me, and have crap short term and long term memory, because your brain has constructed various boxes instead, to categorise information and memories in your head, simultaneously, (or what I trick my brain to believe to be mutlitaksing), and whilst you try and read a newspaper, or a newsletter or romantic novel, your brain keeps interrupting your reading with reminders of things that you haven't done that you need to do, like have you called the 'Garage door man' to fix the garage door, or have you rang child number two's school to check on his school work progress, or have you finished those reports due in Court on Friday, and have you bought dinner etc. etc. etc.

Yes, when you have that type of brain, it is very hard for a book of romance to gauge your attention and then hold it for half an hour to atleast get to know the characters and what it's all about.

I am more of a John Grisham and James Patterson kinda gal! Solving horrific crimes and murder mysteries, with a twist of romance in it now and then,a bit of scandalous relations here and there, is more my flow. For example, my current obsessions on Television are, Scandal, Revenge, How to get away with Murder and State of Affairs. The world of solving Crime mixed with Pleasure always has my undivided attention like no other! It's a mystery to me!

But, like she did with her Telesa Series, Lani Wendt Young, has gone and convert me all over again!

I loved Scarlet right from the very first time I was introduced to her. I love that she has big thigh problems like me, and loves to eat, read, write and is very much of a rebel where family history lies. I love her struggles with spandex, shoes, and her ignorance of her beauty, which not only starts from inside, but also pours out onto her physical appearance.

The tone of humour used in portraying deep traditional family troubles and history, culture and mindsets of old Samoa vs contemporary Samoa, set by Young in this book, is nothing short of the many realities that any family experiences and as a reader, I could relate to so many different aspects set in the book. It had me nodding with every sentence! Yup.

What else do I love? (Trying really hard not to get you sick with too much almond chocolate magnums here).
How often do you read about a fiction, set in current day Samoa, with scenes at the local Apia town, hotels, restaurants, clubs and shops?

Oh and lets not forget the traditional Samoan delicacies and scrumptious rich cuisines and the exotic tropical flowers.

You can almost taste and smell the scents infilterating the senses and you actually experience salivating at various scenes with pagi popo and charcoal bbqs on the beach. (I usually have to get up and drink a glass of water during those scenes to stop myself from wanting to eat). That's how effective Young's words can be.

I love her use of rich vocabulary; this writer will have ten or more words or terms to describe a scene, feelings, an atmosphere, the sunshine and white sandy beaches, the lushious greenery of Samoa. It actually captures traditional and cultural views that can be good and damaging at the same time. I want to add this book to my list of great innovative unforgettable ways to market Samoa to the world. If I had never been to Samoa and my first knowledge of her, would be from this book - I would definitely be working towards a vacation.

I love the book's honest raw take on Scarlet's relationship with her younger sister Naomi. I am an only child, but I know from my cousins and friends, that sometimes, we don't always think our siblings are the best of people.
Scarlet struggles with her 'love hate' relationship with her sister. But as the story continues we learn the reality of sibling love. That - blood is indeed deeper than any struggle we have with each other.

I love that Scarlet has a leading delicious man who appears to be under the spell of her mysterious beauty. AND yes ladies, he is a Gawd! Chisseled top form, bounds of muscle and taut flesh, accessorized with great eyes, hair and slap of gentlemanly honour for the ladies! He's the man we (I) dreamt of before I got married! But the question is; will Scarlet let her haunting past, come between them?

I'll leave the rest for you to find out!

All I know is - I'm buying the second book ALREADY!

Congratulations Lani Wendt Young - you make me believe that my own stories can come to life too.

Blessings.

Xxx

A Malu in the Asian Development Bank!

On any given day, around what I would imagine to be a sophisticated conference room made of soundproof glass, long hardwood tables, and state of the art ergonomic spinning chairs, filled with equally smart looking men and women, in their immaculate suits and ties, you will find a beautiful woman, with fair skin, straight hair and beautifully shaped dark brown eyes.

At first, you could be forgiven if you mistook her for being an Asian, as her features would lead you to believe that she could be of the same ethnicity as most of her colleagues, after all, this would be the headquarters of the Asian Development Bank (ADB) in Manila Phillipines, - a multilateral financial institution that lends and give grants mainly to the governments of the Asian and Pacific regions. But lucky for you, on any given day in that conference room, she would most probably be wearing a smart knee length skirt with a colourful top, or a classy knee length flowery dress, and you would see a line of black dots circling around her knees like a crown, and if she turned her back to you, you would most likely be treated to see the Malu motifs on the back of her knees, on the sensitive area just above her calves. Maria Melei Tagiilima is a Country Specialist for the Pacific Department of ADB. She looks after ADB’s program of assistance to the Marshall Islands and Palau, a similar role she had with Tonga, Cook Islands, Kiribati, and even Samoa at one stage, while working for over 7 years with the ADB office in Suva, Fiji.

I approached her earlier this week to share with me her experience in getting her malu as I became inspired to complete an article which would serve as a resource or guide for other women who are contemplating venturing into the exotic yet highly dangerous (and from what I've heard so far) excruciatingly painful process of getting the malu.

However, before we continue, I just want to highlight some points for our possible non-Samoan audience (or even not so knowledgeable Samoan brothers and sisters trying to understand more) about what a malu is all about.

What is a Malu?
Without going too much into the origins and traditional history of the malu in this article (as more is to follow after this post), today we look at the malu as the traditional tattoo for Samoan women which signifies heritage, independence, strength, courage and identity and so much more, all different and unique to its bearer.
It runs from the start of the woman's thighs reaching all the way down below the knees. It is traditionally used to signify the rank of a Taupou or a Paramount Chief's daughter in the village. A young woman of important rank in the traditional village ranking system, who would do the siva/taualuga or traditional dance for grand village events. Today, centuries later, as with many other constantly changing aspects of the Samoan culture, who and why women are getting the malu done has changed too. Today as I've learned through my researched interviews with over 20 remarkable women who have survived the cutting pain of the au (the traditional instruments from sharks' teeth or boars' teeth in some instances, used to penetrate the skin and drive the ink inside permanently),each woman has her own reasons for getting her malu, and because Samoan population has multiplied significantly, and the matai system has seen a spike in titled men and women, the genealogical pool of eligible women have also therefore increased tremendously, which can explain the argument around the resurgence of the malu in the past decade - which some say have devalued the meaning of the art and what it stands to represent in Samoan culture.

Why do Samoans and Polynesians in general take the associated risks of death from infection or AIDS to venture into the traditional art of Tatauing, where a lot of blood is spilled and a lot of pain is imposed on the body?
I love Albert Wendt's take on this question:
'Tatauing is part of everything else that is the people, the aiga, the village, the community, the environment, the atua, the cosmos. It is a way of life that relates the tufuga ta tatau to the person being tataued and their community and history and beliefs to do with service, courage, masculinity, femininity, gender, identity, sexuality, beauty, symmetry, balance, aptness, and other art forms and the future because a tatau or a malu is for the rest of your life and when you die your children will inherit its reputation and stories, your stories, stories about you and your relationships. The tatau and the malu are not just beautiful decoration, they are scripts/texts/testimonies to do with relationships, order, form and so on. And when they were threatened with extinction by colonialism, Samoa was one of the few places where tatauing refused to die. Tatau became defiant texts/scripts of nationalism and identity. Much of the indigenous was never colonised, tamed or erased. And much that we now consider indigenous and post-colonial are colonial constructs (eg the Church)'. That ladies and gentlemen is the deeper truth below the skin.

Anyhow, leaving our history lesson behind and going back to our spectacular subject matter at hand.

The Seed
Maria is a graduate of the Victoria University of Wellington New Zealand (BCA) and later the University of the South Pacific USP Suva, Fiji (MBA and Gold Medal Award Winner). She shares her home in Manila with her husband of nearly 10 years,Viane Tagiilima and their eight year old son Heni.
Viane(who is also a graduate of USP, (BA & MBA) has a background in Finance and Economics) has done well for himself. He headed the Budget Division of the Ministry of Finance in Samoa prior to becoming Director of Finance of the Pacific Theological College in Fiji, when he moved there to join Maria and their son. He was her pillar of strength for both her malu and in her life. "He has sacrificed his own career for mine and for our son, and for that I am grateful," she said. Viane was the first person she approached when the seed started inkling in her mind. For Maria, it was at first a desire to carry on what had become a family tradition, with an aunt already clothed in the traditional sacred art back in 2008. From then on she was itching for the skin tearing pain, but the time was either never right, or she could never find a soa or partner willing to share the process with her, as part of a traditionally required protocol in order to commence the tattooing ceremony. She asked some friends whom she knew were keen, but they too had time in their way. Some had already completed their malus and so the blaze fuzzed out a little.

Patriotic and proud are words that correctly define this woman's link to her identity and Samoaness (for lack of a better word).

Whenever there's a rugby tournament anywhere around the world with Samoa or any Pacific Island country participating, you can be sure to hear from Maria on her Facebook page. When there's a Samoan or Pacific Islander visiting Manila, you can be sure to see pictures of a kava session, led by prayers and a feast gathering of Samoans and Pacific Islanders in her home. She truly lives and breathes her culture this way. So it almost sounds like fate chose the right timing for her.
In 2012, when Samoa celebrated her 50th Independence, she travelled to Apia, to join a childhood friend Makelita Lealaitafea-Aiono who had also shared with her the same desire to get the malu – this was their way to mark such an auspicious occasion for Samoa. As it happened, Mrs Aiono's husband was related to the Su'a Peter Su'a tufuga. Both ladies were charged a discounted price of $1,000 tala each from the usual $1,500 tala. The day was finally upon them both.

Thee DAY
On the Day, only a few of her friends in Samoa and Fiji knew that she would be getting her malu done. She still went to attend the Independence celebrations at Mulinu'u earlier in the week, with the hopes to take the looming ceremony off her mind.
She had already gained the blessings of her grandmother who had offered to pay for her malu and she was assured she would be praying for her all day. Her husband was with her every second of that day.
"Although I have only been blessed with one child, I had Heni naturally and I always say that I cannot imagine any pain more so than that a woman experiences when giving birth. I also cannot imagine anything more joyous than when you hear his first cry and when this bundle of joy (and responsibility) is placed in your arms for the first time. That was my mindset when I decided to do this (malu),I could overcome the pain for 4 hours (I was in labor for over 12 hours so no sweat) because I knew the great feeling that would come after … and it was that. "For me, the pain kind of numbed after the first half hour or so. The most painful part was the bone of your knee, but since that was the final part as well, it signified you are coming to the end so it was tolerable. I also think that being an accident-prone kid (was always breaking something one way or the other), my level of pain tolerance had built up over the years".

She also found ways to be occupied and distract herself from the pain. What will a girl ever do without facebook?
"I thanked God for inventing FB (facebook) and internet which kept me occupied lol! I had my phone with me the whole time, so I finally had the courage to text La’i (a close friend) in Fiji to let her know. I also needed to be brave and not show sign of being teary at all. We had so many visitors dropping by … Fr Mika … some of my kids from Fiji (Samoan students who attended the University of the South Pacific in Suva, Fiji whilst she lived there, that she and her husband took under their wings whilst they were based in Fiji), it would have been so embarrassing to cry like a baby infront of them".
Their malu ceremony was extra special in the sense that it was part of the Tatau Convention, as part of the 50th Independence celebrations. It was held at a small faleo'o behind the Samoa Tourism Authority Fale in Apia, and the whole process was not only witnessed by visiting friends who dropped in to encourage them on, but also by curious tourists and random members of the public".
Maggie had brought prescribed creams with her recommended by her doctor, to assist with numbing the pain, but both women opted not to use it, nor did they take any panadols or antibiotics - they both wanted to have the process as authentic as possible.

"Su’a and his team were amazing, to sit for 8 hours (for both Maggie and I) and do what they do, its truly a God-given talent. I heard during the course of the day from some of the older members of the Tatau Samoa Association how it was in the old days, the traditional tools used, how it took longer than now, and how it was sometimes not safe hygienically. Su’a and his team made sure all their tools were disinfected before use … soaked in hot water while the smell of detol permeated in the fale. The cloth used to wipe the blood after every tap was also disinfected. Although the process was still traditional, cleanliness was first and foremost so I had no worries of contacting an infection.

Some funny moments were had as well along the way:
'The funniest moment… Maggie and I had decided to have the same design … however, as I was nearing the end of my first leg, Su’a realized that my taro legs were bigger than Maggie’s, hence, they needed to add an extra line of design lol! Awkward moment when Su’a commented … lelei kele le kalo I Fiki fai lava si lapopoa o gai ogavae ia (lol)'.

"Once completed, I went to the tap just outside the fale samoa and my friend Tara showed Viane the process of soaping and massaging to squeeze out the residual ink as much as possible, a process to be repeated at home every 2 hours. It was also traditional to sleep on a mat … I did this the first night but went back to the comfort of my mattress in subsequent nights lol! Viane was great in soaping and massaging my legs to squeeze out the residual ink at home, by the next day, much of it was gone. I rested the whole day and stayed out of the sun. Samoa was so hot so I went to our office in Apia and took advantage of the air con. That night, we joined the final celebration for the Tatau convention at Manumea Hotel. I stayed away from the alcohol but danced the night away in celebration.
We travelled back to Fiji that weekend, by then, the bruising had gone down and was all gone by the following week. There was certainly very minimum pain after and I was able to walk around quite well. I must admit I had it easier than others from stories I hear".

Identity Affirmation:

'I always admire ladies wearing the malu, in my mind, it was the ultimate expression of my identity as a tamaita'i Samoa. I always heard that for the men, it’s a sign of courage and great bravery. I can totally understand that if you have to endure one or two weeks of pain to get it (malofie - the male's tatau or tattoo) it is the ultimate victory. A lot of people have commented to me that I am so brave to have gone through it, but for me, the fact that I was ‘brave’ was only secondary (or maybe not a consideration at all). It was really an affirmation of my identity as a Samoan. Having lived outside Samoa for over 10 years now (plus the 8 years I was in NZ for schooling), I never feared that I would ever lose touch with my culture. I felt that it made me more patriotic actually as I am forever promoting Samoa to all my friends and colleagues, which drives a lot of them crazy sometimes (lol!!!). So getting a malu was part of that patriotism. It is also why I don’t shy away from showing it as it does attract people to ask me about it, and it gives me the opportunity to do my spiel on the most beautiful country in the world' - Maria Melei Tagiilima.

What are your thoughts around the ongoing debate about how a malu should be worn?

'I wear my malu with pride. You asked about the ongoing debate that a malu should be ‘ufiufi’ unless the proper occasion arises -whether it’s right or wrong, people are entitled to their opinions; however, for me, the decision to ‘showcase’ it in my normal life is a personal decision. I did not change the way I dress after I got it (apart from not wearing short shorts anymore which was timely as well as I got older (lol)! I still wear shorts, skirts and dresses up to my knees, as before. I wear puletasis when the occasion calls for it. My old rules about dressing remain, no pants to church and when I am on mission for work to any of the island countries I work in (even though it’s the norm in Cooks and some of the North Pacific countries), I always wear a lavalava when I go to the faifeaus place, or to church for anything, around the house when we have malos, etc, again these are the norms of the life I was brought up in, they did not change when I got my malu. I truly believe though that it is a personal decision on how you ‘wear’ it. Working in such a multicultural organization like ADB, Samoa is literally a dot on the map for a lot of people. People in Manila have no idea where the Pacific is, let alone our small Samoa. My ‘malu’ in a way is my way of telling people to sit up and take note … it also helps distinguish me from the many Asians that I work with here,'.

Final Words:
'I think you will find everyone’s story will be different. I am looking forward to reading your blog. I see a lot of debate about the malu. I stay away from it because I truly believe at the end of the day, it is something personal. I think we are so privileged to have such a tradition that we can opt to partake in. I do agree with some thoughts that it’s become a trend, an accessory for some. I believe in ‘showcasing’ your malu, but do not like the way it’s been done by others but then that’s their personal take. I truly believe the malu and the tatau belongs to the Samoan people and much as I admire non-Samoans wanting to get it, I think that its true meaning is lost if you do not have that affinity with the land, the culture, the people. I have no problem with people getting a sleeve, a taulima, a tauvae, most of which are done by machines anyways. But the tatau and the malu are sacred to Samoa, and dare I say it, should only be worn by its people'.

'I wear my malu proudly, as it says I am a proud Samoan. O au o le tamaita'i Samoa. I wear it in honor of a country I proudly call home, in honor of my strong forefathers, both men and women, in honor of my grandmother who taught me to be me and no matter where I am in the world, to carry myself proudly and never forget where I am from'.

Maria’s story is the first of a series of stories (that I will be featuring on my blog over the next coming days, weeks and months) from different women with different backgrounds and all different personalities sharing their stories of their malu. An experience that is very personal and sacred for many.

This initiative I designed with the idea of putting as much documented resources out there to assist anyone wishing to learn more about the malu, and as a resource or guide, motivation even, for those who are contemplating the malu’s journey. Women – you will no longer be alone!

I thank Maria for her courage in sharing her story with myself and the rest of the world. This blog is about My Journey – which is made up of a lot of different stories and I am privileged to share her story and the stories of all the other equally wonderful and courageous women that you will read about in this Forum.

Fa’afetai.

That Virtuous Whore and Reflections

It seems I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

It's a new year, what's the next challenge at work?, where do I want to be in my life a this point?, who do I want to distance myself from and why?, Who do I need to make more meaningful connections with and why?, how can I make more money? (be honest, you've thought about it), how can I get the children to improve on their weaknesses and capitalise on their strengths more?, how else do I motivate my husband to go to church (other than issuing ultimatums with no consequences), will I be able to take that dream trip this year?...

The list goes on, and on, and on...

A new year is always like the morning dew. Fresh and cool moist tear drops of newfound hope caressing tired dry leaves from the heat of the day before. It's a time when we are once again revived with new hope for better things to come, improvement, development, redemption, success.

It brings the promise of new beginnings. The rare moments in our journey, where we feel we have a second chance at life.

For many years growing up, I heard my elders talk of New Year Resolutions. Then I started to read about it, in newspapers, my mother's magazines, books and heard of it in movies, even in music.
So naturally I adopted the concept to my own life. At the beginning of a New Year I would think up resolutions for myself.

Lose weight - When I was younger, I was very conscious of my weight, but it didn't stop me from loving my food.
Look beautiful - because at your teen years back then, that is quite high up on your list.
Meet the boy of my dreams who lived in a far away exotic country - he would somewhat find the dot of Samoa on the map and discovered me through a crystal online ball (technology that was not yet invented at the time) and he would cross the oceans and the seas to seek me out and ask my father for my hand in marriage. (As you can see, that one was very much the doing of my wild imagination).
Be more obdient to my parents - What can I say, I was an only child and my father was a simple man, who's priorities in life, were ensuring I was happy, beer, family and food.
Less talking back to my mother - again, blame the OCS (Only Child Syndrome)
Improve my grades - boy it seemed like I was going no where back in those days.
Help the needy, poor, sick and old more - I didn't earn an income at the time so I would either snuck (stole) food from my family store and gave it to someone who needed it, or begged my mother to do something about it - so technically that wasn't really helping the moral box.

All this was trully well an made with genuine honest intentions. But did it really add much value to my life at that time?

Sometimes we are too busy with making lists of what we want to do, that we overlook the vital lessons in reflecting on what we didn't do, which led us to fall in the first place.

Last year 2014 was a life changing year for me and it changed my whole family's life as well.
Surgery, weightloss, new roles at work, new place of employment, opportunities, second child off to boarding school and college, relocated our residence, new friends and acquaintances, I started to be a bit more active with blogging,started writing poetry and adding chapters to my book again (it's been over a decade since I last wrote poetry and fiction) distance learning at Un... those are just some of the changes that happened in my life.

What that did to me as person, is beyond me.

My Faith in God and my church was revived, because he saw me through so many challenges that it was impossible to credit that to my own doing alone. Confidence came back to me as sure as the pounds were peeling off my body. Confidence in my own skin, confidence to have conviction over my thoughts, opinions, preferences, beliefs and values, confidence that I was enough, and if people did not appreciate that, then I was/am better off without them. Depression became more manageable and sometimes forgotten completely.
Contentment with my life and my family fulfilled and overflowing. Best of all, I trully stopped caring what others thought of me, or thought of how and what I should be - instead I just listen to ME.

Too often, whether we realise it or not, we live our lives according to the perceptions of others and society.
Perceptions of people whom one - do not contribute one cent to your livelihood, second - only always want to see you fail, third - expect you to be the epitome of virtue whilst they have their own double standards and thirdly - no matter what you do, they will always find faults in every damn thing you do.

Perception. Is really a virtuous whore with varied preferences, expectations, no payment, just a moral indignation!

I like to go out a lot with my girl friends, who are either single, separated or divorced, alone without my husband. Because when you've been married 12 years and have 5 children, and work full time in a stressful job, you need serious wine and girl time - alone! I (being the all fiercely independt minded person that I am) finds this perfectly normal. Until it was pointed out to me that this may not look good for me. A married woman should never go out alone by herself! REALLY? By what book on earth says that this is wrong?

First - whoever thinks this is wrong is not paying for my wine, and has no sympathetic ear to hear my troubles
Second - unless it was Patrick Dempsey or Brad Pitt, there is no way in hell that I would be out at night alone with the sole intention of eyeing up every bloody damned man on the street - unless I was completely demented or too drunk to walk - both of which have yet to happen.
Thirdly - I am absolutely lucky to have a husband who is understanding and tolerant of my girl "ME" times, until someone tries to poison his head with their idiotic presumtions.

What about the misguided notions that if you post on face book images of a luxurious lifestyle of fine dinning and alcoholic drinking,posting about your mortgaged home (which btw still belongs to the bank), your latest car, mixing with the 'in' crowd, travelling everywhere - then you are rich, better than everyone else and fabulous.
And my favourite, saving the world in never ending charity, going to church everyday,doing all sorts of things righteous, virtuous and good; then that makes you the epitome of Mother Theresa incarnated - but behind closed doors are you really any of those tings?

I'm not saying all of that is bad, (except for the drugs bit,I'm quite set on drugs - I do not tolerate it full stop).
Hell no. If you've earned it, by all means share it or not - it's your choice and it's nobody's business. I've done my share of posting similar posts. WE have all been guilty of a bit of gloating and unsolicited bragging. I dare you to have the guts to admit it.

It's the fact that folks then turn around and judge each other for different reasons and agendas and preferences, for things that they too have done, but just in a different context as a result of all our efforts to express ourselves, that's created a lot of trouble for many.

When it comes to perception, you can NEVER do anything right!

What makes us think that we can criticise a married woman for going out alone at night with her friends, without her husband yet we can have sexual affairs with everybody elses' husbands as long as no one knows about it, or we don't even pay attention to our own husbands at home, or we also do the same with our friends (but we do it during the day)?
What makes us think that we have the right to proclaim to be the epitome of righteousness and humility when yet we drink alcohol like a fish, take drugs occassionally, prefer the company of important people and most probably beat up our children?
What makes us feel that we are entitled to be a higher class of citizens from others, just because we have a mortgage, a fancy desk job, own a successful business, drive a fancy car, do not live in South Auckland and have friends in high places?
What makes us believe that because we live in West Auckland we are better off than those living in South Auckland, never mind the fact that most people in South Auckland are working hard in factories and basic jobs to pay off your benefit and your Housing Porperty?
What gives us the right to judge other people's children and to question their legitimacy, when yet, our own were married off pregnant, or we too conceived our children before marriage, or we have childre with other people while we're married, or we have children that other people raise because we couldn't handle the repercussions of having children with MIA biological fathers?
What in the name of Heaven makes us think that because we go to church daily, then we are more holy and righteous compared to the average Christian?

Or lets look at some widely circulated media upsets of the past year.
Teuila Blakely being taped conducting oral sex to a man (consensual) her prime in a car, whilst she was filmed by him, either with her consent or unknowingly.
Oh how quick our Samoan women jumped on the condemning bandwagon. The repercussions for the Samoan actress in mainstream media and New Zealand communities was cutting, but that was nothing compared to what the Samoan communities thought of her sexual preferences.
She was called many things including whore and you know what 'sucking' whore. Just go and die. If that's what you're use to, that's not what we do. The list is endless and more severe.

Yet if were to take notes and complete a proper analysis, a lot of the vocal people/women who were laying the cross and gathering wood for the condemnation fire for Ms Blakely - without a doubt have all sucked something similar or worse (don't forget the wireless coconut communication goes far), in different circumstances and situations but same context - that is to have sex with a man. The only difference is, Ms Blakely's moment was spilled all over social media.

That was her real crime.

It wasn't the sucking incident. It was the fact that it was all over social media and we should dare not admit to the world that Samoan women actually know how to suck such things! No. Samoan women are the epitome of virtue and righteousness! That's more pretentious I say.

Let's have a look into the matai setting.
Recently women have been awarded the priviledge and right to be bestowed with matai chiefly titles in their aiga. Unfortunately, as we have discovered,it's not been always smooth sailing for titled women.
It is often the very people who selected us to take up titles who fail to acknowledge our new status in the aiga.
Women are good enough to contribute money for their matai titles, and contribute to family fa'alavelaves and ensure everyone that comes your way is looked after, but when the family is sitting in a fono, they expect the men to talk and for you to go into the kitchen (which is fine because matai is servitude) or they don't even acknowledge your title at all. Not that you want to be acknowledged, but it's the principle of it. It's the pretentious morals that bother you. We are not stupid to just fork out money for their needs, and yet they refuse to acknowledge the status that they chose to bestow to us in the first place? Even more disappointing is that sometimes, it is mostly the women leaders in our families who do teach the men to do treat women matais this way. Pretenses.


Perception is also...
When someone is rather heavy and eating too much they're overweight.
When someone is too skinny and exercising daily - they're too thin and not eating enough, or being too vain.
When someone is looking well and enjoying being in their own skin - they're too vain.
When someone is taking photos with men/women other than their wife/husband - they're probably having affairs.
When someone speaks their mind and unafraid to stand by their beliefs - they're conceited, overly confident and high minded.
When someone wants to acknowledge their family history, their geaneology and roots - they're being a show off.
When someone is writing too much about their strong opinions - they're fia poko.

You see what I mean, 'perception' is a virtuous whore!

Reflection on the other hand is our reality check.
We all need to sit down and reflect on our values, beliefs, actions and thoughts from time to time.
What is the intention behind our actions, are we doing it for the right reason, or are we just another crowd pleaser?
Do we have the right to judge someone else?
Should we judge too quickly, or should we perhaps look at facts first?

Reflections - looking at the past, separatng pros from cons, and then we get back up and try again.

This year I reflect that I want to be better at:
More attentative to others (we can never do this enough).
Really truly, not give a damn about what people think, especially people who do not contribute to my well being at all
Listening and connecting with others
Being happy about myself and where I am in life
Doing more for my children, I think at present we have a crazy schedule, but one can never do enough where children are concerned
Doing more for anyone who needs my help
Work on my marriage and relationships (we all do - if we were not so proud to admit it)
Eat a bit of chocolate from time to time
Treat my body to wellness and wellbeing all year
More pedicures and massages
Connect and reseach more of my Grandfather's German family
Write more, read more, dance more, less alcohol, lots of music
Work progress
Saving money (I'm bad with spending)
Learning more about my culture
Judge people less

More importantly, I reflect that I need to cut down my social media use not because it's wrong to tell my 150plus active friends on fb (out of 2,000 something)what I'm doing, but because when we're hooked on our phones and computers 80% of the time daily, that means we miss out on a lot of connections and miracles happening all around us.

We miss the morning dew, or the sun flowers spreading herslef open to the sun's rays, the smell of food from your neighbour's home, or that the old lady next door may need someone to talk to, or that your teen age daughter appears a little reserved today, or your mother wants to change churches out of nowhere and you can't make sense of it, or your husband needs more pampering, and your wife just needs you to understand her. Basically, you miss out on the real world!

So this year, if you've made some sort of resolution list - try adding, less judging and more reflections to it!

It may damn well be the best advise you have ever received - free of charge ofcourse!

Prejudices and Crime

Today marks my five year anniversary working within the Department of Corrections, Probation and Psychological Services CPPS, one of the three sister government departments, made up of the Ministry of Justice and the New Zealand Police.

It feels more like 10 years.

And the day that I decided to leave the comfort of my couch to step out into the New Zealand public service workforce seems so long ago.

We had only been living in New Zealand for just under a year. We had a three year old and a four year old in pre-school and three young ones in Primary school.
The temptation to stay home and become a full time mother was very strong. Especially coming from eight years of journalism in Samoa (which also included four years of free lancing to CBS TV in America), a year in Parliament as Sub-Editor for Hansard Records (Parliamentary Debates and Legislation translations), a few months as Executive Media and Public Relations Manager for the Samoa Football Soccer Federation, whilst completing two years into a Law Degree via correspondence. Yes. I had just come from a very full on life. So the urge to stay home, and emerse myself into the life of a full time housewife and mother was a very welcomed delicious treat indeed.

But as much as I wanted to give myself a break and commit all of my time and energy to my children and my family, I knew that it would only take a few more months before I would hit the brakes. And hard too.

When you've had a passion for justice, empowering the helpless, contributing to a peaceful society and world, and giving voice to the voiceless, since you were just an eight year old (or so), it just doesn't go away.

It always manages to find its way back to you, one way or the other.

Whether it was in the form of the 6pm news highlighting a horrific crime, or a visit to the local social wellfare office where you find yourself sitting amongst hundreds of people all struggling to find employment, make ends meet, or even clearly abusing the system, or it was in a simple encounter with your child's school teacher over a case of bullying where your son or daughter was the victim, or reading of the social struggles of society versus government policies and politics. The passion for righting wrong in my daily environment, my immediate communities, and general society, would always find me.

I remember thinking that I could go back to journalism. The only problem was, I no longer found satisfaction there. I had completed four years in a daily newspaper, then a weekly paper, prior to going into television and radio for another four years. In small Samoa, with a vibrant but small media industry, there was very little room for anything else to move towards and that had me anxious. I am/was always seeking a challenge in everything I pursue in life. It can be my strength and enemy at the same time. Enemy in the sense, that the life span of my ability to focus on a specific area or field or project, is limited to a maximum of four years. So five years with Probation is quite an achievement for me.

It was a cold, windy, gloomy night.
The night when I was told to attend an information evening run by the Department as part of its recruitment for Probation Officers.

We had no baby sitters and very few family members who would be crazy enough to look after five bouncing children in a few hours.

So my husband took the night off from work (night shift) to drive me to the Otahuhu Service Centre for the event. We packed all the children into our seven seater and off we went. I went inside, while they drove around the block to keep the children occupied as they waited for me.

It was a packed room. I took a seat in the back, but was careful to make sure it wasn't too far back so the speakers would notice me. I took a moment to observe my surroundings. There were men and women of all ages and of all ethnicities. All dressed smart in their suits, shirts and pants. I felt so dully ordinary sitting next to the women especially. The speakers started to talk about what the role of a Probation Officer was all about. Management of community based sentences, completing pre-sentence reports outlining assessed sentencing recommendations for offenders to the Judges, assessing risks and likelihood of reoffending to ensure the safety of the general community at large, working with people to try and effect positive outcomes and motivation to turn their lives around, succeeding with Maori and Pasefika (who are over represented in the prison populations and crime statistics)means succeeding with the overall crime issues in New Zealand, the list was and still endlessly growing.

I was immediately hooked. They had me at keeping communities safe, and interventions to assist people to turn their lives around, by the time they reached Maori and Pasefika issues, I was sold hook, line and sinker.

They talked about the responsibilities that Probation Officers have to uphold in society, not only must they uphold the law, they must be seen to be doing so and they must role model morals and politically correct values and perceptions to the people that they work with. They also emphasized that the people we would be working with are often finding themselves at their lowest in life, and this can present a lot of challenges and obstacles. I was more than thrilled, me being the challenge thrill seeker that I am.

I was a little disheartened when the speakers advised they were only looking for 10 Probation Officers for the Manukau/Auckland region, and that they'd received well over 400 applications.

When I left the information evening that night, I had had my children (who were trying to get warm in the car's heater) pick me up, although I was a little less brave, their little faces gave me the push I needed to submit my application the next day.

Two weeks later my application had been shortlisted from 400 plus to a pool of 80plus applicants and we were to attend a Psychometric test and report writing round, which would enable the recruiters to short list a pool for the panel interviews.

I attended the tests at the Manurewa office and I remember waiting in the foyer with a well dressed caucasian lady who appeared to be 10 years my senior (I was 27 years old at the time). She showed me her CV, she was an AUT Criminologist graduate, wanting some intensive challenges. She was pleasant enough, but the more she talked of her degree and experience, the more I felt my palms sweating. A few minutes later, two other applicants had joined us, one was a lawyer by profession, another a Psychologist. I started to wonder, what on earth was I doing there?

Cut the long story short, I killed the Psychometric test despite its tight timeframes, and sent a thankful prayer to God for my journalism years which gave me so much writing practise, that helped with the report writing test. Two weeks after that, I found myself sitting in front of a panel of five, made up of three managers, and two prestigious members of the Community - Maori kaumatua. I remember pouring my heart out to them around my passions in life, the values and morals that I wanted for myself and what kind of society I want to contribute to and why.

I remember I was so very passionate about working for 'my people' (no I'm not the Queen of Samoa). I wanted to make a difference in the lives of Samoans who had found themselves at the wrong end of the law, and that I would help them change their lives for the better and get them to see their errors and I would inspire them to change for good. I would contribute to improving the tarnished reputation of our people where crime is concerned in New Zealand. I was hugely determined and confident that I Josephine Nickel was born to make the world a better and safer place.

Your dreams are always bold and great when you're younger right?

After five years, I look back and think 'how very over optimistic and so limited my hopes were then'. Furthermore, my world was so narrow and so small, despite all the worldly experience that I had exposed myself to, through studying, reading and through journalism. My world was still so small, only focussing on helping Samoans. One year into Probation, it went from just Samoans to Maori and Pacific Islanders.

Today, I thank my widescope nature of a role, for teaching me to expand my world more.

Today, I have a new understanding, that by limiting my focus on Pacific Islanders and Samoans only, I was being prejudiced and selective to whom I can help through my role.

New Zealand is a multi-cultural/ethnical contemporary society. It's present day successes is result of the contribution of all the ethnicities that make up her colorful rich history and culture.

In order to succeed in eliminating and reducing crime in New Zealand overall, I have come to learn that we must work for the collective communities.

Yes, the Pacific Islands and Maori communities are more fragile, and predisposed to crime, mental health, financial struggles, and poverty, but so are other less privileged groups or class of people in other ethnicities.

We cannot let our identity limit our outreach to society and cloud our passion for people.

That is the bottom line of my passion.

People.

It took me five years to learn this through my work within the general community.

My passion is to make a difference in the lives of ALL human beings, ALL people, regardless of race, ethnicity, age, sex, sexualities, religion, class, ALL people make up our modern societies.

People are people. We all feel pain, disappointment, and sorrow. We all feel joy, happiness, and love. We all have a common desire in life, that is, simply to live life.

Five years later, experience is a hard teacher.

I have learned that I can have all the passion, motivation and inspiration to change the world and change people, all I want, but if people reject that help, there is only so much you can do.

I have learned that crime is a part of life.

Just as there is right from wrong, peace and destruction, violence and harmony, black and white, there will always be crime.

Without it, life as we know it will be non-existent.

We can only do our very best within the eight hours a day that we are given to do what we can do, to contribute to our government's policies and vision for our whole country and ALL New Zealanders.

Our best is all we can give and it should be enough. So today, I celebrate five years of serving New Zealand and ALL its communities by contributing to upholding her citizens' wishes to be safe, and to keep people's faith in her justice systems.

I have come from my years of being a new kid on the block, to expanding my knowledge of our core business and operations, and branching into facilitation roles training practitioners to be more confident in working with PI (still got to do something that's focussing on PI people), and other required skills, to netowrking and liaison with community agencies and other Government departments that we work alongside with, which all contribute to the wider vision of reducing crime in New Zealand.

Sometimes you find yourself winning and sometimes it feels like a continuous losing battle. But like I said, you learn to appreciate all your victories, no matter how little or great. Because in the business of crime management, you quickly learn that over expectations, is a barrier to success at times.

It's a wonderful role/job career path that can branch into many different areas, such as facilitation, programme delivery (counselling/treatment programmes), management, practise leadership roles, and so much more. I highly recommend it to anyone who's keen on making a difference with people who are often at their lowest in life and society. You will often find more disappointments than joys (where people's apprehension to change is concerned), which is why you have to have the right passions and mind sets to find satisfaction in the role. It's not your ordinary nine to five desk job. There is never a single day that will ever be the same. There is never a dull moment, nor is there a quiet stroll in the park one, but the opportunities to really literally create 'hands on' change and differences in someone's life?

PRICELESS.

Everytime someone thanks me for helping them turn their lives around, or make the right choices for themselves and their families, the pure joy I get from their success, assures me that I am exactly where God wants me to be at this point and time in my journey.

Of dark shameful secrets and 2015

I have a dark shameful secret that I need to part with...it is too heavy to carry alone.
It is literally eating me inside out. I cannot bear it any longer. It makes me feel awful about myself, and when I look at my husband, I feel goosepumps forming all over my body.
How will I tell him?
I have a shameful secret, it is disgusting and it is heavy.

As I write, I am hoping to wrap this piece in thirty minutes, so I can prepare for church.
Perhaps there, I will find my cleansing. Perhaps God will forgive me and perform a miraculous intervention, whereby my husband will forgive my sinful indulgence.
Perhaps....oh but I know this husband of mine very well...it would take Jesus in the flesh himself, to forgive me of such an evil sin.
I do not blame him.

In an effort to start self cleansing and conscience clearing,before I blog this piece (and it has been a while - thanks to the festive season...come on, I have a life afterall), I started this day by throwing out everything that I do not need and should not even be possessing in my fridge.
All the frozen jelly that I've kept on hand in case I needed to whip up a five minutes 'trifle', all of the ready made custard boxes, christmas pies, cream, buddings, pies and more pies. Left over ham on bone, some turkey, (all frozen), cup cake mixes, scone mixes, muffin mixes (my eldest daughter is going to throw a tantrum at this, she's the baking freak not me - I just like to test it all for her). I started to take out the wine too, but thought 'better not', in case this may further aggravate my husband's perceived bad mood, when come the time I must part with my ugly secret...it may be the only comfort that he can turn to, given that I've thrown out all the comfort food we have had in storage from Christmas week.

You see my dear followers and readers - I cannot stall this any longer...I have gained 2.5kgs over the last three weeks. Since February 10 2014, I have not gained an anounce until now.

And it is killing me. When I jumped on the scale on the 6th of January 2015 - it screamed out the extra 2.5kgs in bold RED at me! I only told two of my closest mates at work...and judging by the amount of animosity and disappointment I received from them, I cannot imagine my husband's reaction.

He is one of those former athletes, who live in their former glory days most of the time and prides himself on not gaining anything over 2kgs in the past decade. He is my toughest critic since my weightloss journey started.

And ... for every single day...and I mean each, single, 24 hours of the day of every day of 2014, he would say to me "you are going to put it back on, if you do not watch what you're eating". Or if I failed to make my minimum 3 days a week walk/run or gym, he would say "You are not doing enough and mark my words you will put it back on".

Now do you understand why I am dreading the time for revelations so much???

He is too practical to be the kind of guy who will think first before they point out - "I told you so!" No matter how much that small statement is going to crush my world, he will not think twice about saying it!

So I am hoping to show him my latest blog update to read, as my revelation, and perhaps that would make not make the blow so hard. While I'm at it, I think I better drag him to church first, and then give it to him to read, when I've cooked all his favourite (extremely healthy) dishes for lunch today and I'll tell him that I've thrown out all of the children's chocolates as well. Damn the bloody chocolates - this is ALL their darn fault. Oh and the alcohol as well, (what is a festive season without your merry joy joy drinks right?)I'm going to dump all the left over bourbons and vodka in the sink. I shall do it in front of him, and I'm sure this will make him a little happy...a little.

IT'S ABOUT BEING BETTER TODAY THAN YOU WERE YESTERDAY

OKAY enough of the feeling sorry for myself and I'm so scared revelations. I'm sooo over it already. Unapologetic much?

OKAY lets face facts. In February 2014 I weighed at 142kgs prior - my bariatric surgery operation. Prior to that I had weighed a whopping 165.3kgs (the heaviest I had ever been).
Which means I had managed to lose 23.3kgs all on my own.

Since post op, I have lost all up over 54.3kgs. That is from strictly eating right, following the recommended 'strict' meal plans, and exercise.

Yes I've gained 2kgs, but I am still much BETTER today, than I was last year.

I indulge in the knowledge and freedom of living life this way. I should be and I am, my ONLY toughest judge (you know this is true husband - so harsh my darling).
I am happy and I will demolish the gained unwanted kgs in no time. I SWEAR - BY THIS BLOG.

The fact that I've gained a couple of kgs over the holiday period, shows that bariatric surgery, only works, if I commit myself to the eating plan and exercise. So there, for you all KNOW IT ALL FOLKS - who keep discrediting my weightloss - with the mentality that I am not doing it myself, rather it is assisted by an operated procedure, there, I've just gone and PROVEN to you that you are very WRONG!

So my dear husband and followers, yes I have failed, (JUST A LITTLE BITTLE) but I will not focus on that, I will continue to focus on THE huge achievements that I have made so far, since DAY 1, and move forward to better days under 99kgs. I don't have far to go, but the struggle is now getting harder and harder!

The good news is, I tested out my fitness levels for walk/running distance over the weekend gone, and I assure you, I AM MARATHON/WALKATHON READY. I won't come in numer 1 or let alone be in the top 20s, but I am going to cross that finish line.

So 2015 is going to be about changing up my levels of exercise and the types of activities that I participate in, (I am going to join all the walkathons and marathons that I can fit myself into), it's going to be about throwing out all of the negative eating habits I acquired over the festive season, as well as some negative associates with negative habits that do not necessarily help with my goals, and changing my thinking from "I can only do this much' to "I CAN DO ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO".

I can no longer say that exercising 3 days a week is enough to shake off my unwanted excess weight. I am no longer 50plus kgs heavy and therefore, a new body, needs more challenges and definitely needs to stick with my clean eating plan.

Challenge yourself, there is no limit to what you can do, except for the mental boundaries in your mind!

You conquer your mind, you WIN life.

Bring on 2015 - the year that I will attempt my first EVER Walkathon. xxx